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" La pJdlosophie, dont on a quelquefois passe" les bornes, les recherches de 
Vantiquiti, Vesprit de discussion et de critique, ont 6t6pousse"s si loin, qu y enfin 
plusieurs savans ont douU," etc, — Voltaire. 



G. W. Caf^leton, Publisher 



Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1SGS, by 


In the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Southern District of New York. 


CHAPTER I. Tho Inauguration at Harmony Hall, with an Account 

of the New Utopians 7 

II. In which Matters and Things at Harmony Hall aro 

arranged to the Satisfaction of Everybody . 26 

III. Symptoms of Discord appear at Harmony Hall . 34 

IV. Some curious and interesting Papers never beforo pre- 

sented to the Public 59 

V. A Discussion between Dr. Goodenough and Mr. Long- 
shanks 89 

VI. A Convention of the Femalo Rights Association . 11G 

VII. Some Adventures of Mr. Peewit .... 153 

VIII. The Doctor invests in the Fine Arts . . .172 

IX. Lively Times at Harmony Hall .... 196 

X. The Rev. Hieronymus Knox takes the Bull by the 

Horns 229 

XI. Some original Letters now first published, together 

with a few Extracts from our Newspaper Files . 240 
XII. In which the Virtuous are rewarded and the Wicked 

punished . . ...... 254 

XIII. An Account of the Philosopher Fou-fou . . . 274 

XIV. Conclusion 292 




Tlie Inauguration at Harmony Sail, with an Account 
of the New Utopians. 

The building now used for the celebrated Water-cure 
Establishment at Foufouvillc, New Jersey, was built 
for a very different purpose. It was erected by the 
late learned Dr. Goodenough, in the latter years of his 
life, in order to give a practical demonstration of those 
theories of social reform that he had long inculcated in 
his writings, and to which he now resolved to devote, not 
only his time, but his fortune. 

The doctor, with his habitually liberal views, in- 
structed his architect, Palladio Styles, Esq., n. a. a., 
to design the building in such a manner that, by 
simply extending the wings, it could be made to con- 
tain accommodation for one thousand inmates, — this 
being as many as he thought it advisable to collect in 
one institution at the beginning of his enterprise ; but 
he contemplated making ample preparations for the 
great increase that he anticipated in the numbers of 
the Harmonians (or New Utopians, as they were called 
by the public) ; and on the square mile of land he had 


8 tiie rniLOsornERS of foufouville. 

purchased, selected the eleven most eligible sites, for 
the erection of the first eleven additional phalansteries 
that should follow the success of the one with which 
he initiated his grand scheme. Of course, more hmd 
would be required for agricultural purposes when the 
community should become so greatly increased ; but 
he trusted, that in the meantime, the six hundred and forty 
acres already purchased would afford sufficient food 
for the members of the society during the first few 

It was in the spring of the year 185- that the doctor 
removed to the new building at Foufouville, accom- 
panied by his first five proselytes, or " disciples," as 
he was accustomed to call them. 

Assembling them, on the day of their arrival, in the 
great music-hall (now used as the refectory of the Water- 
cure Establishment), he thus addressed them, — 

" Beloved brothers and sisters : St. Augustin tells us 
that ' we are all seekers after happiness ; but that how to ob- 
tain it, is a question that has excited numerous and lively 
disputations among the learned.' We are about to solve 
this great problem. A new light has dawned upon man- 
kind, — a light which, rising over Foufouville, is destined 
to shed its refulgence throughout the whole world. Fou- 
fouville is to be the Mecca of untold generations of Har- 
monians. We have this day inaugurated a new era, and 
henceforth, in our written communications to each other, 
will date from this memorable epoch, the first day of the 
Inst month of the first year of the Harmonian era. 

" I regret that there are some among you who do not 
as yet fully concur in all my doctrines, but do not doubt 
that those who are still more or less affected by long con- 


tact with the gentiles, will in time be brought to recognize 
the value of the Harmonian philosophy, by the cogency 
of my arguments, and the triumphant demonstration that 
is about to be made of its practical utility ; and it is a 
matter of congratulation that all are so far agreed as to 
have cheerfully subscribed to the rules of the establishment. 

" I will enumerate the following, as being among the 
most important ones : 

" Our food shall consist of fruits and vegetables, with 
such animal products as are not obtained by a sacrifice 
of life. 

"The flesh of creatures into whom the Almighty has 
breathed the breath of life is strictly prohibited. 

" My mind is not yet clear on the subject of eggs. It 
is known that some of them contain the vital principle, 
while some do not. We will reserve the determination 
of this delicate question for future discussion. 

" Of the advantages of a vegetable diet, I am a living 
example, for, although not above the average height, I 
weigh nearly three hundred pounds. 

" The deleterious juice of the grape is tabooed. 

" Likewise that vile weed, tobacco. 

" Also those highly injurious drugs, tea and coffee. 

" Perfect equality shall exist between us. 

" All property shall be in common ; and we shall depend 
for our subsistence on the labor of our hands. 

"In regard to the marriage state, while I am not 
absolutely opposed to it, I believe that it should not be 
entered into without long deliberation, and then solely 
for the purpose of carrying out that sublime, that holy 
instinct of our nature, to increase and multiply ; and not, 
as I fear is too often the case, merely from a desire to 


gratify the whims of the flesh. For this reason, husbands 
and wives will be kept rigidly separated from each other, 
excepting at such times as the laws of physiology teach 
us may be favorable to the attainment of the great end 
in view. 

" St. Augustin informs us that ' philosophers hold two 
different opinions in regard to those movements of the 
soul which the Greeks call, ndOt), the Latins, with Cicero, 
perturbationes, others, affections, or, as more in accordance 
with the Greek expression, passions. Some maintain 
that they exist even in the soul of the sage, but moder- 
ated, and under the control of reason, which imposes its 
laws upon them, and restrains them within proper bounds. 
Such was the opinion of the Platonicians and Peripatetics. 
Others, like the Stoics, held that the soul of the sage is 
unmoved by them.' 

" This, beloved brothers and sisters, is the whole secret. 
You have merely to let your passions be subordinate to 
your reason. And here in Harmony Hall Ave will demon- 
strate to an admiring world how easily this desirable con- 
summation is to be attained. 

" In this calm retreat — like St. Simon Stygites on top 
of his pillar — we shall be secure from the raging passions 
and numberless temptations that beset less fortunate 
mortals. Separated from the outer world, from its lusts, 
its hatreds, its avarice, its contentions, we will tranquilly 
glide down the vale of years in perpetual harmony, peace, 
and good-will." 

The doctor's peculiar views on the institution of mar- 
riage may be partially accounted for from the fact that 
his union with the late Mrs. Goodenough (Xantippe, 
daughter of Timothy Bangs, Esq., President of Salem 


College) had been extremely infelicitous ; owing, it was 
said, to the lady's hasty temper, and her entire want of 
sympathy with the benevolent projects of her husband to 
ameliorate the condition of mankind. The only living 
issue of this union, a daughter named after her father's 
favorite virtue, Charity, was sixteen years of age when 
the doctor disposed of his property, much of it at a sacri- 
fice, in order to give effect to his theories by the founda- 
tion of Harmony Hall, — for such was the name of the new 
institution at Foufouville. 

Miss Charity Goodenough, who, of course, accompanied 
her father, gave a passive assent to his teachings, though 
it may be doubted whether or not she fully comprehended 
the purport of all of them. 

But the doctor's most enthusiastic disciple, and his 
right-hand man in the realization of his scheme, was Pro- 
fessor Nicholas Malpest. This gentleman was supposed 
to be of foreign birth, but the fact was not certain, as he 
was extremely reticent in regard to his origin. Little 
was known of him, excepting that previous to his acquaint- 
ance with Dr. Goodenough, he had eked out a precarious 
livelihood by delivering lectures on social reform in dif- 
ferent parts of the country. 

He was soon taken into the doctor's intimacy, on ac- 
count of the singular accordance of their philanthropical 
views, and had been of great assistance to the old gen- 
tleman — at least, so he said — in the management of his 
affairs, particularly in the investment of his money ; for 
the good doctor was totally unacquainted with business 
(except as it was conducted among the Greeks and Eo- 
mans) , and it was Professor Malpest who had counselled, 


and finally negotiated the purchase of the property at 

He was at this time about forty-five years of age, tall 
and thin in person, with long, dark hair, dyed and arti- 
ficially frizzled like that of a mulatto, and piercing black 
eyes, which squinted in a manner that would have given 
him an exceedingly sinister expression, had he not always 
worn spectacles to conceal the defect. It was also known 
that he had false teeth. 

Miss Serena Minerva Griffin — a lady of an uncertain 
age, but which was certainly more than thirty — was 
another member of the society. She was an earnest and 
sincere admirer of the doctor, although she did not give 
an entire assent to all his doctrines. On the subject of 
marriage, in particular, she quite differed from him. Not- 
withstanding his own disagreeable experience, he ever 
maintained that that union should be permanent. " "Whom 
God hath joined," he would say, " let no man put asunder." 

" Dear, good man ! " Miss Minerva would rejoin. " He 
is so inexperienced. He does not know the fundamental 
difference between the sexes. Why should woman be 
bound for life to one whom she loathes ? Freedom, indeed ! 
Talk not to me of freedom while such slavery exists. 
Look at Nature ; behold the birds of the air and the beasts 
of the field ! Let us take Nature for our guide. She will 
not lead us astray." 

The name of Miss Griffin had been long before the 
public, as an eloquent expounder of the rights and wrongs 
of her sex. 

But the most prominent female member of the society 
was Mrs. Elizabeth Strongitharm. This lady was about 
forty-four years of age, hard in features and in disposition, 


and always dressed in what is known as the Bloomer cos- 
tume. She was, in short, what might be denominated a 
strong-minded woman, and had been a leading oracle at 
the meetings of the Female Rights Association, over 
which she had occasionally presided. 

She did not concur with the doctor in all his views, nor 
with Miss Griffin in anything, except in regard to the 
superiority of woman over man, and the long catalogue 
of wrongs to which he had subjected her. " Man," she 
would say, " by the false laws of a debased state of soci- 
ety is enabled to impose upon feeble woman ; but no man 
ever took advantage of me, nor ever shall." 

The last of the doctor's five proselytes, whom it remains 
for us to describe, was Joseph Peewit, Esq. This gentle- 
man had been taken in marriage by Mrs. Strongitharm 
some years before, notwithstanding he was much younger 
than she. They had not been united according to the 
forms of any religious denomination, but by the insertion 
of the following announcement in the newspapers : — 

" Know all men and women by these presents, that I, 
Elizabeth Strongitharm, and Joseph Peewit, being free 
from the grovelling superstitions of this degenerate age, 
untrammelled by the impositions of hireling priests, 
and unterrified by the oppressive, unequal, and tyranni- 
cal laws of a sycophantic society, do hereby take each 
other for husband and wife, until death do us part, or 
until this copartnership shall be dissolved by mutual 


"J. Peewit." 

She had not taken Mr. Peewit's name ; for, " Why," 



said she, " should woman sacrifice her name, rather than 
man his ? Peewit may assume my name if he choose, but 
I take that of no man — not I." 

Their union was unblessed with issue. 

As absolute equality was one of the cardinal principles 
of the organization ; there could be no such personage as 
a president, or presiding elder. " Nevertheless," said the 
doctor, who w r as still on the rostrum, " as I have lived 
longer in the world, and am more experienced in its ways 
than any of j r ou, I trust, dear brethren, that you will be 
guided in a great measure by my advice in the settlement 
of the importaut questions that will arise in relation to 
the moral, intellectual, and social welfare of mankind in 
general, and of the society of Ilarmonians in particular." 

Mrs. Strongitharm objected decidedly to be guided by 
the advice of any one, and especially of a man. She had 
always followed her own judgment, and always intended 
to do so. " It might, however, be well," she observed, 
" to form a sort of Council for the transaction of the daily 
business of the society. It should consist of about half 
a dozen members." 

" A sort of committee of the whole," suggested Mr. 

" Sir?" said Mrs. Strongitharm, with a frown. 

"Nothing," answered her — we were about to write 
" lord and master," but that would be a misnomer, as the 
pantaloons were both figuratively and literally worn by 
the lady. 

"The suggestion of a Council meets my approbation," 
said Miss Griffin ; " although it does emanate from Mrs. 
Strongitharm ; and as there will doubtless be a greater 
number of females than males in the community, — women 


in the present state of society being so much more pro- 
gressive than men, — it is just that the voice of the former 
should preponderate ; I would therefore recommend for 
the rapid despatch of business, a Grand Council consisting 
of twenty women and four men." 

Professor Malpest rose and stated that he agreed with 
the doctor, and he also agreed with the ladies. The doc- 
tor was the Nestor, the Mentor, the Moses of the society, 
and he for one would ever listen to his counsels with the 
most profound respect and veneration, as to the voice of 
wisdom and virtue. Who (with the exception of him- 
self) had sacrificed more for the furtherance of the great 
work of human regeneration? Both were co-laborers in 
the same humane field. The doctor had very properly 
contributed the lucre he would no longer need ; while he 
(carried away by his feelings of benevolence, and the ad- 
mirable logic of the doctor) had not hesitated to sacrifice 
the brilliant, though worldly career that was opening be- 
fore him, in order to devote his time, his wealth (what 
little he had), and he might add, his life itself, should it 
become necessary, to this noble cause. The advice of the 
ladies was also good, he would even say, most excellent, 
and was a convincing proof of that penetration, that deep 
insight, that intuitive reason, peculiar to the sex. He 
would venture to observe, however, that just at present, 
while their numbers were somewhat limited, the selection 
of the persons to compose the Grand Council might per- 
haps be deferred for a few clays without serious disadvan- 
tage, as there were questions of more pressing necessity 
that awaited decision. He therefore took the liberty of 
reminding his assembled brothers and sisters that it was 
growing late, and they had not yet chosen a cook. 

16 the rniLOSornERS of foufouville. 

This proposition of the professor seemed to dampen 
the spirits of the whole party, and was followed by a si- 
lence of several minutes. 

The gentleman himself was the first to break it by stat- 
ing that, as to himself, he had assumed (much against his 
will) the arduous duties connected with the financial de- 
partment, and must therefore decline being a candidate for 
culinary honors ; but he did not doubt that an adept would 
be found among some of the accomplished ladies present. 

" Of course," said Mrs. Strongitharm, " since we have 
resolved that all the work shall be done by members of the 
society, in order to protect ourselves from contaminating 
contact with those who do not conform to our peculiar 
views, it is not only advisable, but necessary, to distribute 
amongst us impartially the various duties of the estab- 
lishment. As I am unfortunately ignorant of the culinary 
art, I have decided to take the responsible office of house- 
keeper, and therefore propose that Miss Griffin undertake 
the more easy work of the kitchen." 

"I shall do- no such thing," answered Miss Griffin. 
" It may, perhaps, be proper that the oldest female in the 
community should act as duenna to us younger ones. I 
do not object ; and, as I feel myself peculiarly fitted for 
the position of secretary, it seems to me eminently just 
that the youngest lady should do the cooking." 

" I will gladly do nry part in the household labors," 
said Miss Goodenough ; " but am really quite ignorant 
of kitchen work ; still I will cheerfully try to cook, if some 
one will be so kind as to direct me." 

After a protracted discussion, Miss Griffin consented to 
instruct Miss Goodenough until such time as she should 
be able to perform her work unaided. 


The two ladies then descended to the kitchen, where 
Avith the assistance of Mr. Peewit a fire was started in 
the immense range. This was a complicated structure, 
built on the model of that in the hotel of the Metropolis, 
and contained all the appurtenances requisite for provid- 
ing meals for upwards of five hundred persons. 

Raw materials for the supper had already been pro- 
vided by the forethought of Professor Malpest, who, in addi- 
tion to the duties of treasurer, had hitherto performed those 
of general manager of the society. It had been observed 
that although everything he did was done by the advice 
of Dr. Goodenough, yet that this advice was invariably 
given in accordance with suggestions that had emanated 
from the professor himself. Flesh of course there was 
none ; but there were flour, corn-meal, rice, macaroni, 
sugar, potatoes, beans of many kinds, — in short, a small 
grocery store complete. The ingredients were there but 
the question was how to put them together. Miss Griffin, 
who had undertaken to direct, was as ignorant as Miss 
Goodenough, who was the executive. Some information 
vouchsafed by the doctor in regard to the Grecian method 
of making a bread called /xddda was of no assistance to 
them whatever. The result was that they concocted a 
number of pasty messes which were deposited, some in 
the oven, and some in a frying-pan ; the former it being 
hoped would turn into bread, while the latter was an at- 
tempt at flapjacks. While the messes were baking and fry- 
ing, Miss Goodenough thought it would be an excellent 
opportunity to put her room in order, — Miss Griffin having 
kindly offered to keep watch over the cooking, and see 
that all went right during her absence ; but hardly had 
Miss Goodenough left the kitchen, when Miss Griffin was 

18 r/iE rniLOSopnEns of foufovville. 

seized with an idea for her hitherto unpublished lecture 
on the " Co-relation of the Sexes," and, in the inspiration 
of the moment, bread and flapjacks were forgotten, as, 
with paper and pencil in hand, the mental faculties of the 
young lady became completely absorbed in making notes. 
The consequence was, that when Mr. Peewit, who had 
been dubbed waiter t came in with his tray, the flapjacks, 
which had been frying for nearly an hour, presented an 
appearance similar to that of the ancient parchments that 
are dug up at Herculaneum, being burnt to cinders, while 
the bread had a black crust an inch thick. The milk now 
boiled over, and Mr. Peewit, Miss Griffin, and Miss 
Goodenough in making a simultaneous effort to seize the 
skillet, upset it, spilling its contents to the last drop. As 
the butter, cheese, preserves, and other small delicacies 
had not yet been received, the Harmonians were obliged 
to content themselves with a frugal repast of burnt un- 
leavened bread and water. 

""We must expect trials and tribulations, my dear 
friends, at the beginning of our enterprise," said Dr. 
Goodenough. " "What great work was ever achieved with- 
out privations and sacrifices? Let us be thankful to 
Divine Providence that he has given us these crusts, with 
this pure water, the wine of Nature." 

Professor Malpest said " Amen ; " but the expression of 
bis face did not indicate a feeling of thankfulness. 

" When I undertake to do a thing, I do it," said Mrs. 

" It was the fault of the milk," said Miss Griffin. " If 
that had not boiled over, I should not have overlooked the 
bread ; but since my incapacity for such low work is 
manifest, I hereby decline any further responsibility." 


As Miss Goodenough had burned her fingers in extricat- 
ing the bread from the oven, and would consequently be 
unable to resume the work, there was but one resource, 
Mr. Peewit was installed cook for the following day. He 
ventured upon a few words of remonstrance, but was ea- 
sily silenced by a look from Mrs. Strongitharm, and the 
words, " Sir, would you have me do it? " 

After the simple, and — to all save Dr. Goodenough — 
unsatisfactory supper, the company assembled in the 
large reception room (now the packing apartment of the 
Water-cure Establishment) . 

" Papa," said Miss Goodenough, " this great unfurnished 
room is dismal." 

" My child," answered the doctor, " nothing should ap- 
pear dismal to us, now that we have entered on our glori- 
ous work. As to me, I am joyous, I am hilarious in antic- 
ipation of the future. It is true that at present, in 
consequence of the paucity of our numbers, the rooms 
have a deserted appearance ; but soon you will see pil- 
grims arriving from every land, and these vast halls will 
be filled with a peaceful, contented, and loving multitude, 
who will fly to this haven of refuge from the storms of 
the outer world." \ 

"This is the new ark," said Professor Malpest n and 
Dr. Goodenough is its Noah." 

" And are we the beasts ? " inquired Mr. Peewit. 

The professor muttered something about " asses," but 
it was not distinctly heard. 

" My friends," said the doctor, " since music, as Aris- 
totle tells us in the eighth book of his treatise on Gov- 
ernment, acts upon the soul as gymnastics do upon the 
body, and tends to lull the evil passions of our nature, 


let us pass the remaining hours of the evening with vocal 
and instrumental harmony. "We will adjourn to the 
music hall where brother Nicholas has already placed 
the instruments. Charity will play on the harp, while 
Miss Griffin, — Sister Minerva, — like a new Cecilia, 
transports our souls to heaven on the melodeon." 

" I will play the jews-harp," said Mr. Peewit. 

" No, sir," answered Mrs. Strongitharm, sharply ; " you 
will take your flageolet, on which you have alread}- had 
same practice, and accompany me on the trombone." 

" "We will all bear our part," said the doctor. " Brother 
Nicholas we know is accomplished with his fiddle, and as, 
in my wild and thoughtless youth, while still dazzled by 
the tinsel and glitter of mundane shows, I acted as drum- 
mer-boy to the 777th Reg. N. Y. S. M., — being perhaps 
an inspiration of Providence to prepare me for present 
usefulness, — I will play the kettle-drum." 

The amateur musicians placed themselves before their 
respective instruments ; but we will not attempt to de- 
scribe the performance. Miss Charity, indeed, played well 
on the harp, while the professor and Miss Minerva were 
not unskilled on the violin and melodeon ; but there was 
no one to mark the time, it being considered contrary to the 
principles of the society for any one to be a leader in an}-- 
thing. Hence discord dire and unexampled was the result. 
In the midst of the softest strains of the harp and melodeon, 
the flageolet would give a squeak, or the trombone resound 
through the vacant halls with a boom like the last trump, 
while the doctor without cessation pounded vigorously on 
his kettle-drum. The good old gentleman was insensible 
to the dreadful discord. He saw in his mind's eye the 
hall thronged with a happy band of rejoicing and regener- 


ated Harmonians, and, in fancy, heard their thousand 
voices raised in a chorus of praise and thanksgiving. 

Jack, the pet poodle of Mrs. Strongitharm, and, accord- 
ing to the "whispers of the malicious, the chief object of 
her affections (for women, even the strong-minded, must 
have somebody or something to love) , was frightened al- 
most into fits by the direful clamor and cowered for 
safety beside his mistress ; but a blast of the trombone 
drove him thence, and he fled with his tail between his 
legs, and trembling with terror, into the farthest corner 
of the room. 

A ring was heard at the door-bell, and the dog set up a 
loud barking. 

"Peewit," said Mrs. Strongitharm, pointing to the 
door, which her obedient husband proceeded to open, hit- 
ting the dog a rap over the head with his flageolet as he 
passed. The beast howled. 

" Wretch ! " screamed Mrs. Strongitharm, springing for- 
ward and snatching up the poodle in her arms. 

The howl and the scream so startled the musicians that, 
with the exception of the doctor, they all stopped play- 
ing ; the professor giving a sigh of relief as he laid down 
his bow. As to the doctor he kept on beating his drum, 
heedless of the interruption, and in fact quite unconscious 
that he was playing solo. He perceived his error just 
as Mr. Peewit re-entered the room accompanied by a 
well-dressed young gentleman about twenty-four years 
of age, with a carpet-bag in one hand and a flute in 
the other. 

" Leander Lovell ! " exclaimed the doctor, jumping up, 
knocking over the kettle-drum, which rolled in a great 
circle around the room, and giving the visitor a vigorous 


shake of the hand. " So you, too, have become converted. 
This is really encouraging." 

" I have come, sir," answered Mr. Lovell, " in the hope 
of being received into the Society of New Utopians, — I 
beg pardon, — I mean Harmonians." 

All eyes were directed towards the new-comer ; those 
of Professor Malpest with an indescribable expression, 
but which certainly was not one of pleasure. Miss Good- 
enough colored visibly. 

" This is truly a triumph for the cause," said the doc- 
tor, turning towards the company, and holding Lovell by 
the hand. " Only a week ago my young friend was still 
devoted to worldly pursuits, and my most convincing 
arguments seemed lost upon him. He and brother Nich- 
olas had a dispute in my presence, — I may even say, an 
acrimonious dispute, — about the utility and practicability 
of our enterprise. But, behold ! he is here. Such is the 
power of reason. Did I not tell you it would be so? 
Soon you will see them come streaming in by hun- 
dreds and by thousands. "We must set about building a 
new phalanstery at once. Brethren, welcome our new 

The initiatory ceremonies of Mr. Lovell's reception into 
the society consisted of a bow from Professor Malpest, 
a nod and a grin from Mr. Peewit, a stiff courtesy from 
Mrs. Strongitharm, a courtesy and a simper from Miss Grif- 
fin, a furtive glance and a slight pressure of the hand 
from Miss Goodenough. 

" Brother Joseph," said the doctor to Mr. Peewit, 
" Leander would doubtless like to partake of some refresh- 
ment after his journey." 


" Let me give no trouble," answered Lovell ; " a bit of 
cold meat will suffice, with a cigar afterwards." 

" Meat ! Tobacco ! " exclaimed the doctor. 

"Ah ! excuse me, I forgot," answered Lovell. 

Mr. Peewit went out to cut some bread, there being 
nothing else, accompanied by Mrs. Strongitharm, as if 
to show him how to do it. 

Miss Griffin left the apartment to prepare Mr. Lovell's 
room for him. 

" This is a glorious beginning," said the doctor, catch- 
ing Professor Malpest by the button-hole ; "I feel posi- 
tively hilarious." 

" It is the happiest day of my life," answered the pro- 
fessor, with a scowl as he observed Lovell conversing in 
an undertone with Miss Goodenough, who was still seated 
by her harp. 

" Leander, this is a delightful surprise," said she ; 
" are you in earnest in joining us ? " 

" I shall remain as long as you do, Cherry," said he. 
" When I called on your father a week ago, intending to 
ask his consent to our marriage, Professor Malpest unfor- 
tunately happened to be with him." 

" The odious man ! " said Miss Charity. 

" And as if the fellow divined the object of my com- 
ing," continued Lovell, " he immediately drew me into a 
discussion about this Quixotic scheme of your father's, 
and, as I abhor dissimulation, I expressed my opinion in 
rather stronger language than was becoming or prudent. 
Fool that I was, not to perceive that in ridiculing the 
New Utopians I was injuring my own prospects. Your 
father became exceedingly indignant, and almost ordered 
me out of the house. Malpest smiled, and I saw, when 


too late, that he had outwitted me ; but when I heard that 
you had actually removed to Harmony Hall, I determined 
on a coup de guerre, and have come here with the deliber- 
ate intention of acting the hypocrite." 

" How good of you, Lenny ! " said Miss Charity. 

" I fancy our new brother's supper must be ready," said 
Professor Malpest, taking advantage of a pause in the 
doctor's self-congratulations. "He will not find it quite 
equal to those to which he has been accustomed in the 
metropolis ; but then, of course, he has not come amongst 
us in search of pleasure." 

" Of course," retorted Lovell, in a tone that was in- 
tended to be significantly sarcastic ; " no one could be 
base enough to join in Dr. Goodenough's philanthropical 
projects from interested motives." 

Mr. Peewit now looked in and nodded his head. 

" Your bread and water await you, sir, in the banquet 
hall," said the professor. 

" A crust of bread, sir," answered Lovell, with a lofty 
air, " will taste better to me here than fried oysters else- 

" Ha ! " cried the doctor, slapping him on the back, 
" j^ou are a true Harmonian. Does not Marcus Aurelius 
tell us that to be happy we have only to regard with 
indifference that which is of itself indifferent ? And do 
we not all know that the pleasures of this world are of 
little account?" 

The evening concluded with a simple prayer by Dr. 
Goodenough. He thanked his Creator for his numberless 
blessings, and invoked his aid in the prosecution of the 
great work so auspiciously commenced that day. 

Professor Malpest responded with a loud " Amen." 


When the parties separated for the night, Peewit, from 
sheer force of habit, was about to follow his wife, but she 
almost petrified him with an indignant look and the words, 
" Sir, you forget where you are. Your apartment is at 
the other end of the house." 



In which Matters and Things at Harmony Hall are ar- 
ranged to the Satisfaction of Everybody. 

It was Dr. Goodenougk's intention to so regulate the 
internal economy of his household that the community 
should be entirely self-supporting, and the phalanstery 
contain within its bounds all that could be needed for the 
corporeal or spiritual wants of its inhabitants, so that 
they might dwell perpetually in a world of their own, free 
from the contaminating influence of those whose ways 
were not their ways. In pursuance of this plan it was 
intended that all the work should be done by the II ar- 
monians themselves, and a division of labor was agreed 
upon, by which the gentlemen were to attend to the out- 
of-doors work, while the ladies took charge of the house- 
hold duties. This arrangement was not only assented to, 
but was actually recommended, by the ladies themselves, 
notwithstanding it was the method that prevailed outside 
of the precincts of Harmony Hall, and notwithstanding 
Mrs. Strongitharm's oft-repeated assertion, that " woman 
was capable of doing whatever man could do/' But the 
first day's experience of this system demonstrated the 
impossibility of carrying it out to the letter until some 
more useful proselytes should arrive. 

The brothers and sisters had assembled in the banquet 
hall for breakfast, the set hour for which had long passed, 
when a loud cry for aid was heard from the kitchen. Mr. 


Peewit, the cook, had rashly undertaken to provide boiled 
rice for the morning meal, and had accordingly filled a 
large pot with the cereal, and then poured in water up to 
the brim. As the mixture became warm the rice began 
to swell, and Peewit to skim it off. But, as the mess grew 
hotter and hotter, the rice swelled faster and faster ; and 
by the time the water boiled, the bewildered Peewit, who 
had filled every plate, dish, and other utensil at hand with 
rice, and beheld it still rising over the pot, and dropping 
and hissing on the hot stove, as lava pours from Vesuvius, 
became apprehensive that the stuff was bewitched, and 
yelled for assistance. The ludicrous sight that met the 
eyes of the company, when they rushed into the kitchen, 
convinced them that Peewit had not yet found his Voca- 

The attempt of the Harmonians to carry on the agri- 
cultural operations of the phalanstery, by their own un- 
aided labor, began as unsuccessfully as their abortive 
experiments in cooking. As it was quite time to com- 
mence ploughing, the implement was got ready (for the 
foresight of Professor Malpest had provided for every- 
thing) , and the doctor marshalled his forces for the work. 
As none of the gentlemen had any practical knowledge 
of the use of the plough, Mr. Lovell proposed that Mrs. 
Strongitharm should turn a few furrows, as women were 
so much superior to men ; but the lady indignantly rejected 
the proposition, and, giving Lovell a withering glance, 
delegated the duty to Peewit, saying, " We are both one." 

Mr. Peewit accordingly grasped the reins in one hand, 
and the handle of the plough in the other, and rather hesi- 
tatingly ordered the horse to " get up." The docile ani- 
mal obeyed the figurative order, but, in starting, jerked 


the reins out of Peewit's hands. The gentleman ran for 
ward to catch them, and, in doing so, inadvertently pin 
his foot in front of the plough, the consequence being that 
a furrow was made in his flesh instead of in the ground, 
which made him feelingly aware that though flesh and 
dust may be chemically and theologically similar, there: 
is, nevertheless, some occult difference between them. A 
stone that fortunately stood in the way of the share partly 
protected the foot, so that the injury was slight, but it 
obliged Peewit (not much against his will) to give up 
work for the rest of the day. 

Lovell now took the reins, but, never having ploughed 
through anything harder or deeper than the mud in the 
streets of New York, his efforts to turn the sod were 
quite unsuccessful. 

Peewit and Lovell having failed, the doctor tried his 
hand. He made a pretty good start, and looked around 
with a somewhat triumphant expression at his crestfallen 
competitors, but the plough catching in a root, the old gen- 
tleman was thrown violently on the ground, where he sat 
gazing in bewildered amazement as the horse trotted off 
by himself. 

Professor Malpest now undertook the work ; but he 
made a furrow only about two and a half inches deep, 
which was pronounced by all present, and by none more 
loudly than himself, to be a lamentable failure. 

The necessity of extraneous aid was now apparent, 
even the doctor acknowledging the fact, though with a 
heavy heart; so the professor posted to the city, where 
he engaged the seiwices of a red-haired Irish woman, 
named Bridget O'Brien, as cook, and of Mary Short, a 
neat, tidy girl, as chambermaid and waitress, while a 


Welchman, one John Long, was hired as gardener, or 
rather rnan-of-all-work. 

Oar limited time and space will not permit us to give a 
detailed account of the daily doings at Harmony Hall, 
nor perhaps are the events themselves of sufficient inter- 
est to the public to warrant our doing so, nor is it neces- 
sary to our purpose that we should state more than a few 
of the most important occurrences that took place, leav- 
ing in oblivion those trivial incidents on which an inferior 
writer would expatiate ; our object in this narrative being 
simply to present to the reader a succinct and impartial 
account of the causes of the decline and fall of the Society 
of Harmonians (popularly known as the New Utopians), 
and the consequent unfortunate failure of Dr. Goode- 
nough's philanthropical projects for the amelioration of 
the condition of mankind, — projects that have been much 
misrepresented by a prejudiced and conservative press, 
which, not content with occasional abuse, has actually 
been known to ridicule them, and even to speak of the 
doctor himself with levity; but such was ever the fate 
of those who were in advance of their age, and have 
sought to benefit their ungrateful species. Socrates and 
Joe Smith are familiar examples. 

John Long, fortunately for the community, proved to 
be a faithful and efficient man, and at once began ploughing 
and planting in earnest. He grumbled a good deal at 
first at the necessity of a vegetable diet, declaring that he 
could not work without meat, and would have to leave 
unless it was provided for him. It was in vain that the 
doctor argued with him for more than an hour, quoting 
freely from Galen and Hippocrates, and holding up the 
example of the Pythagoreans ; the Welshman was obdu- 


rate. But where the doctor had not succeeded the pro- 
fessor prevailed, and, after a five minutes' discussion, so 
completely satisfied Long with his lot, that he cheerfully 
consented to remain. 

The professor could not be induced to reveal the argu- 
ments by which he had wrought so sudden a conversion. 

"The modesty of Brother Nicholas is equal to his 
merit," said the doctor. 

It was not until the final breaking up at Harmony Hall 
that Bridget, the cook, divulged the secret, that the pro- 
fessor, in consideration of the fact that Long was not an 
actual member of the society, allowed him a weekly 
ration of one rump of beef, and stewed kidneys ad libitum, 
all of which was cooked surreptitiously at night. 

The domestics being installed, everybody appeared to 
be contented. The doctor withdrew into his study, where, 
surrounded by a pile of huge volumes, he busied himself 
in preparing (against the advice of his publisher) a new 
edition of his three immortal works, " The New Utopia," 
"The Regeneration of Man," and " Physiological Studies 
on the Development of Healthy Offspring." He kept up a 
voluminous correspondence with reformers and enthusi- 
asts, male and female, in different parts of the world, and 
also devoted much time to the consideration of various 
plans, projects, and designs connected with the carrying 
out of his benevolent scheme (none of which, unhappily, 
were realized). From time to time he would emerge 
from his seclusion, in order to see what was going on, 
and to give advice to everybody. 

" Should the sexes be evenly divided," he said, one day, 
" there will be five hundred brothers and as many sisters 
in each phalanstery. Four hundred and twenty-five of 


the men will be obliged to devote themselves to agricul- 
ture, so as to provide subsistence for themselves and the 
rest of the community ; fifty of them will be engaged in 
manufacturing the clothing and numberless miscellaneous 
articles needed, while the bakers, carpenters, blacksmiths, 
etc., will comprise the rest ; but what to do with all the 
women I cannot determine. This is a problem that has 
caused me much anxious thought and serious disquietude." 

Miss Griffin suggested that they be married to the five 
hundred men. 

Mr. Peewit said they would have enough to do as 
nurses to all the children ; whereupon Mrs. Strongitharm 
requested him to be so good as to keep his advice to 
himself until it was asked. She could keep the women at 

Miss Goodenough and Mr. Lovell declined to express 
an opinion, as they had not thought of the matter at all. 

Professor Malpest said that he had considered this em- 
barrassing subject profoundly ; and, after long meditation 
upon it, had come to the conclusion that it would perhaps 
be advisable to wait until the parties had actually arrived, 
before endeavoring to decide it. 

The professor, as financier and general manager, was 
the most busy man in the establishment, with the excep- 
tion of the doctor. Mr. Lovell offered his services as 
book-keeper, but with singular self-abnegation the profes- 
sor declined them, saying, " he could find time, between 
the intervals of his other labors, to keep the accounts 

The doctor, however, occasionally had work for Lovell 
in the office. 

32 tiie rniLOSOPHEits of foufouville. 

Mrs. Strongitharm was an exacting, if not tyrannical 
and overbearing house-keeper. 

Miss Griffin continued making notes on " the co-rela- 
tion of the sexes." 

Miss Goodenougk passed her time in worsted work and 

As to Messrs. Lovell and Peewit, they undertook to 
assist John Long on the farm, — he to do the ploughing, the 
harrowing, the digging, the heavy work in short ; while 
they did the hoeing, planting, trimming, etc. ; but, al- 
though he kept a sharp eye on them, they made so many 
mistakes, planting the peas in hills, sowing the melon- 
seed and corn broadcast, pulling up his early spring rad- 
ishes, which they mistook for weeds, and committing such 
other enormities, that he finally begged them, as a favor, to 
bestow their services on some one else. 

" Vegetables," said Miss Griffin, " are merely coarse 
food for the body ; but flowers, beautiful flowers, speak 
the voice of nature to the mind, and feed the soul with 

" Oh, how I doat on flowers ! " said Miss Charity. 

So the two gentlemen — to the relief of Long — set 
themselves to work to lay out a garden in rear of the 
building. The ground plan was not unlike that of a 
church ; for there was a broad walk down the middle, and 
one on each side, like the three aisles, while at the lower 
end, a grove of trees, between which they constructed 
some rustic seats, would do for the chancel. 

Mr. Peewit proposed to put a fountain in the centre ; 
but the water supply proved an insuperable difficult}'-. 
Lovell thought it might be accomplished by the aid of a 
ram ; but as Peewit did not think a ram could be equal to 


a single horse-power, and the horse was needed in the 
field operations, the project was abandoned. 

Thus, for a week or two, everything went on serenely 
at Harmony Hall. Compared with the New Utopians, 
the Happy Family at the museum was merely a collection 
of discontented prisoners. But this felicity was apparent 
rather than real. Clouds were gathering, as will be nar- 
rated in the next chapter. 



Symptoms of Discord appear in Harmony Hall. 

One afternoon Miss Griffin, pencil and tablets in hand 
as usual, seated herself under the trees at the end of the 
garden, as if with literary intentions. Miss Goodenough 
was planting some rosebushes, while Messrs. Lovell and 
Peewit were exceedingly busy sowing seeds along the 
borders near the side walls. And we will mention here 
that when the young plants came up a week or so after- 
wards, the two ladies were quite surprised to find that 
they formed the words, " Charity," and " Minerva," ap- 
parently written on the earth in the softest green. Mr. 
Peewit said that the latter was a token of gratitude for 
the bread poultice with which Miss Griffin had dressed 
his injured foot ; for this young lady, having attended 
some lectures at the Female Medical College, had consti- 
tuted herself the physician and surgeon of Harmony Hall. 
The secretaryship had been appropriated by Professor 

She was soon joined by Miss Goodenough, who sat 
down by her side to rest a while, as she said, although the 
true reason was that she had been annoyed by the pro- 
fessor staring at her from his office window. 

" My dear," said Miss Griffin, — for such was the affec- 
tionate epithet with which she usually addressed Miss 
Goodenough, — " my dear, have you not observed some- 


thing peculiar of late in the manner of Professor Malpest 
towards a certain lady in this establishment ? " 

Now here it may be well to observe that the professor 
was always obsequiously polite to the sex in general with- 
out regard to age or beauty ; and this extreme courtesy 
being something to which Miss Griffin was not accus- 
tomed, she had taken it in the vanity of her heart, as a 
tribute of admiration to herself. We will furthermore 
state that Miss Goodenough had noticed that while the 
gentleman was polite to all, he was particularly deferen- 
tial and attentive to her. In the music hall the violin 
•and harp were placed side by side, while the flute was 
posted on the opposite side of the orchestra. Whenever 
she and Mr. Lovell commenced working in the garden 
together, the professor was almost certain to make his 
appearance, and bore them with a dissertation on horti- 
culture, or some other subject, apparently forgetful of the 
old adage that three spoil company. If they persisted 
in continuing their work together, he would leave them 
after a while, but his exit was invariably followed by a 
message from her father asking her to come and recite 
her Greek .lesson, or to practise some new piece on the 
harp, which not unfrequently was a duet with the violin. 

All this Miss Charity had remarked, and she therefore 
naturally supposed that Miss Griffin's question had refer- 
ence to herself. And were we writing a romance, and 
were she our heroine, it would be our duty to make her 
answer in the affirmative ; but, as we are merely giving a 
faithful and impartial account of some of the events that 
took place at Harmony Hall, we feel constrained to ac- 
knowledge that, with a most reprehensible disregard for 
strict veracity, she replied that she had not observed any- 

36 the pnnosornEns of foufoufizle. 

thing peculiar in the professor's manner towards anybody. 
"Why she answered thus, we do not know. Being of the 
male sex, we cannot pretend to fathom the motives of 
woman. Could it have been an affectation of modesty, 
or that love of dissimulation which is said to be inborn 
in the sex? Truly, as Miss Griffin asserted, there is a 
fundamental difference between the sexes. Were one 
man to insinuate to another that he had made a favorable 
impression on a lady's heart, how few would deny the 
soft impeachment ! 

Miss Griffin seemed somewhat taken aback at Miss, 
Goodenough's answer, and replied, — 

"Then all I have to say is, that some folks can't see 
with their eyes open." 

"Listen to me, Minerva Griffin," said Miss Charity; 
" that odious man may, or may not be serious in his at- 
tentions to me, but of this you can rest assured, I never, 
never will have him." 

" Why, my dear, foolish child," cried the elder lady, 
"do you -suppose he is thinking of you! A man of his 
years and attainments wants a woman of corresponding 

" Then all I have to say is, that I hope he may get 
what he deserves," answered Miss Charity, with perhaps 
a slight touch of malice. 

"And what does he not deserve," replied Miss Griffin, 
enthusiastically ; " a man of such elevated sentiments, so 
accomplished, so delicate, is worthy of any woman's es- 
teem. But how true is ihe old sa3'ing, that only mind 
can appreciate mind ! You are as yet too young and 
thoughtless, my dear, to comprehend that sweet inter- 


communion of soul with soul, thatje ne sais quoi, that — 
Why, look ! here he comes through the garden." 

" Then I shall escape this way," said Miss Charity ; 
and, suiting the action to the word, she hastily passed out 
of the grove, and directed her steps to the melon-patch 
where Mr. Lovell was trying to remedy his error of hav- 
ing sown the seeds broadcast. 

The elder lady took up her pencil and tablets and be- 
gan writing. She at once became so absorbed in her 
occupation that she seemed quite startled and looked up 
with an air of surprise when Professor Malpest stood be- 
fore her a moment afterwards. He appeared somewhat 
flustered at finding himself in the presence of Miss 
Griffin, who observed the change in his countenance, and 
assumed a responsive appearance of embarrassment. 

" Pardon me, madam," stammered the gentleman, " I 
was not aware that you were here — that is to say — 
alone. I will not interrupt your meditations ; I will 

"It is no interruption I assure you," cried the lady, 
as the professor was backing out. " I was merely jotting 
down a few ideas according to the inspiration of the 
moment. Woman's equality with man will one day be 

" She is superior, madam, superior," answered the 
professor, with a bow. 

" That is too much to claim for all women," said Miss 

"But some are," replied the gentleman, looking sig- 
nificantly at the lady, who modestly cast down Irer eyes, 
not knowing that he would have said and done the same 
thing had any other of the sex been in her place. 


" Woman was not created to exist alone," said the 
lady, after a pause. 

" Nor man either," answered" the professor. 

" I believe," said Miss Minerva, " it was a Greek 
philosopher who gave utterance to that beautiful idea of 
the duality of the soul, — that each man and woman pos- 
sesses but the half of one, and hence each is constantly 
seeking its mate." 

"I am afraid," said the professor, "that the right 
halves don't often come together." 

" Alas ! it is too true," replied the lady ; " and the 
reason is because, in obedience to the requirements of 
puritanical laws, — 

" ' Woman still must veil tho shrino 
Where feeling hides Love's fire divine.' 

But I scorn to be shackled by public opinion ; I am 
above the petty prejudices of the age. Nature is my 
guide. Do you not agree with me that society requires 
a radical change? " 

" Oh, yes, madam, — certainly," answered the professor, 
somewhat abstractedly, as he caught sight of two figures 
in the distant melon-patch. 

" I knew that your sentiments accorded with mine," 
said Miss Minerva ; " such is the power of sympathy. 
And may I ask if you have never experienced that yearn- 
ing of the soul, that longing of the heart for one congenial 
spirit to minister to your happiness ? " 

" "Well, madam," answered the gentleman, " since you 
put the»question to me directly, I will confess that I have 
sometimes thought it might be advisable for me to get a 


" One," said Miss Minerva, " of an affectionate, con- 
fiding, artless disposition, whose intellectual and physical 
powers are in full bloom." 

" All that is desirable, of course," said Professor Mal- 

" I have already divined your thoughts," said the lady, 
laying her hand on the professor's arm. He started 
slightly as he fixed his keen black eyes upon her. " You 
have been seen watching' her as she moved about ; and I 
have noticed the almost imperceptible confusion in your 
manner when addressing her ; your apparent endeavor to 
avoid her at times when she has sought to converse with 
you, as if you feared the effect of the interview. And 
now, sir, know that the lady has not been insensible to 
your attentions ; know that your feelings are recipro- 

"Are you sure of what you say?" said the professor, 
with unfeigned surprise. 

" I ought to be sure of it," answered Miss Griffin, " for 
no one knows her heart better than I do." 

" True," muttered the professor to himself, "they have 
been much together of late ; and then these women can't 
keep anything to themselves." 

" And has not the passional attraction of Nature 
already whispered it to you ? " continued Miss Minerva, 
casting down her eyes. 

"Can't say it has," replied the gentleman; "in fact, 
she has always acted as if her preference — was rather — 
given to another ; and I was induced to think that such 
was the case." 

" How easily you men are deceived ! " said Miss Griffin. 


" You have not that intuitive perception of motives pos- 
sessed by us." 

" I must confess," answered Professor Malpest, " I did 
not suppose that any one had penetrated my design." 

" Now that you are discovered,", said the lad} T , archly, 
" I presume you will not hesitate to speak openly." 

"I do not think it best to be precipitate," answered 
the gentleman, "because I fear Dr. Goodenough might 
not be willing to consent as yet on account of her age." 

Miss Griffin was completely thunderstruck (metaphori- 
cally) by this observation of the professor's, and not 
knowing exactly how to take it, but feeling considerably 
nettled, she replied, in a somewhat indignant tone, as 
follows, — 

" I know not, sir, why Dr. Goodenough need be con- 
sulted. Were the lady as old as yourself, it might be 
inferred that you coincided in his peculiar views, as to the 
object of matrimony." 

" I should not trouble myself about his cranks, if I once 
possessed her," said Malpest ; " but before marrying her 
there are certain preliminary financial arrangements that 
I wish to make." 

" Men are ever calculating and worldly," replied Miss 
Griffin ; " even love cannot make them lose sight of their 
dollars and cents. How different is woman ! — the creature 
of impulse. But I shall say no more, sir. Perhaps I 
have erred in saying so much ; but woman was ever 
artless and open. Speak to the doctor, if you think it 
necessary." And with a half angry, half reproachful 
glance at the professor, the still irate maiden stalked 
majestically out of the grove, and passed through the 
garden into the house. 


" What the devil can be the matter with the woman? " 
said Professor Malpest to himself. " Because she fancies 
Charity has a penchant for me (it is not impossible that 
the girl has been imposing upon her for some ulterior 
object), she gets into a huff because I propose asking the 
consent of the child's father. Queer creatures — women ! 
I did not think the fruit was ripe ; but there may possibly 
be some truth in what she says, after all ; and, if not, why 
what the girl fancies, or don't fancy, is of little conse- 
quence. Delays are dangerous. I will hesitate no 
longer." And so soliloquizing, the professor directed his 
steps towards the little room that the doctor called his 

Now it so happened that there was a stove-pipe hole 
through the ceiling of the doctor's study into the room 
above it, on the second story, which was used by Miss 
Griffin as a dressing-room. The lady was walking up 
and down the floor, really somewhat agitated after her 
interview with the professor, but in her own mind greatly 
exaggerating what in her journal she calls " those suffer- 
ings caused by conflicting emotions in a sensitive bosom, 
which almost overpowered me," when she distinctly heard 
the voice of the professor, in conversation with the doctor, 
in the room below. The conflicting emotions would seem 
about this time to have been too much for Miss Griffin, 
for she sank down upon the floor directly alongside of the 
stove-pipe hole, thus unavoidably overhearing the conver- 
sation between the two gentlemen. It is said that listen- 
ers never hear any good of themselves, and Miss Griffin 
was destined to be no exception to the rule. 

" The propagation of our species," said Professor Mal- 
pest, " is one of the primal laws of our being, and mar- 


riage is the means whereby we are enabled to carry out 
that law. My conscience tells me that I have been dere- 
lict to my duty, in having so long delayed the fulfilment 
of that sacred obligation." 

"My dear brother," answered the doctor, "to those 
who, like myself, have once complied with the divine 
injunction, and been released from their bonds by the 
severance of these mortal ties, I should not advise a repe- 
tition ; but with those who, like yourself, have never 
entered into the connubial state, I regard the intention 
of doing so as eminently wise and meritorious. May I 
ask if you have selected any one for the purpose of joining 
you in the accomplishment of your desires ? " 

" I have thought of no one as yet," answered the pro- 
fessor. (" "What dissimulation ! " said Miss Minerva to 
herself; " but such is man.") " My strong sense of duty, 
however, will not allow me to dela} r longer, and I have 
come to you to ask counsel of your wisdom and experi- 
ence in the choice of a suitable partner for the work." 

"It appears to me," said the doctor, after meditating 
for some time, " that sister Minerva possesses the requi- 
site qualifications." 

The professor made an exceedingly wry face, which, 
however, was not perceived by the lady who sat smiling 
and blushing by the stove-pipe hole. 

" Miss Griffin is doubtless an estimable person," an- 
swered the professor ; " but surely, sir, you would not 
have this solemn engagement entered into where no afiec- 
tion existed between the parties ? " 

("No affection!" murmured Miss Minerva. "What 
can the man mean ? ") 

"Aifection," replied the doctor, "is not absolutely 


essential to the successful fulfilment of the divine com- 
mand, to increase* and multiply. Mutual respect, of 
course, there should be ; but more than this, my dear 
brother, leads to the seeking of mere carnal gratification, 
in which the great end to be obtained is lost sight of." 

"It is certain," said the professor, "that there would 
be no danger of any gratification of the senses with Miss 
Griffin." ("Oh, the slanderous wretch ! " muttered the 
incensed young woman.) "But I fear it would be diffi- 
cult to have the requisite respect for a lady who wears 
false hair." 

("The monster!" exclaimed Miss Griffin, "to speak 
thus of my water-fall ! To traduce a virtuous woman 
behind her back ! But I'll be revenged for this.") 

" I respect your scruples," said the doctor, " but know 
of no other to recommend until our numbers are increased 
by the thousands now doubtless on the way to join us." 

There was a long pause, and then Professor Malpest 
tried a change of base. 

" We must be careful that no black sheep find their 
way into the fold," said he ; " in truth, I am fearful that 
there are some such here now ; persons who have joined 
our society from worldly motives." 

"I am astonished," said the doctor. "Can such a* 
thing be possible ? Whom do you suspect ? " 

" Youth is the age of frivolity and unruly passions," 
answered the professor. "It is only with the calmness 
of mature years that a man can properly comprehend, and 
truly live up to, the sublime doctrines of the New Utopia. 
The entry of a young man amongst us looks suspicious. 
We should be on our guard against all such." 

" There are none with us at present," replied the doc- 

44 the rniLOsornEiiS of foufouville. 

tor, " excepting the son of my deceased friend, Lovell. 
He long seemed insensible to the irrefutable logic of my 
arguments ; but reason finally prevailed, and I regard his 
conversion as one of the most remarkable triumphs of my 

" Such sudden conversions are not to be relied on." 

"Brother," said the doctor, "I fear that your long 
intercourse "with the world has rendered 3'ou too mistrust- 
ful. What possible inducement of a worldly nature could 
that youth have for joining us?" 

" Perhaps, sir, sister Charity could give you some in- 
formation on that point." 

" Charity is a mere child. "What do you mean? " 

" Parents," answered the professor, " are very apt to 
regard children as children, until they are such no longer. 
Miss Charity is young, it is true, but still she is verging 
on that age — that age — when the feelings of the girl are 
deepened into the passions of the woman." 

" Really, brother Nicholas, you alarm me," said the 
doctor. " If this is unfortunately true, what is best to 
be done ? " 

" I would advise," said the professor, " that she be 
united to one who, through the holy ceremony of mar- 
riage, can enable her chastely to fulfil her woman's mis- 
sion, — to one whose stormy youth is over, and who adds 
to the. calmness of middle age a profound veneration for 
yourself and the noble precepts you have inculcated." 

(No more of this conversation, we regret to say, has 
come down to us.) 

" A light breaks in^upon me," exclaimed Miss Minerva. 
" Oh, how that villain has deceived me ! " 

" Who has been deceiving you ? " said Mrs. Strongitharm, 


entering the room. " You ought to be ashamed of your- 
self, to let a man take advantage of you. I've no patience 
with people who can't protect themselves. No man ever 
yet got the upper hand of me." 

" Nor ever tried to, I presume," answered Miss Griffin, 
who had no love for the house-keeper, notwithstanding she 
was a masculine personage. 

" You are an ungrateful, weak-spirited hussy," replied 
Mrs. Strongitharm, " and I shall have no more to say to 


" I can survive the loss, madam," answered Miss 

" A pretty scandal you are bringing on the community," 
said Mrs. Strongitharm. " And who is your paramour, 
pray? Is it the young man, Lovell? If so, I shall have 
you both discharged." 

"Leave my apartment, madam," cried Miss Griffin, 

"I am the superior of this establishment," replied the 
house-keeper, haughtily, " and go when and where I will." 

"I recognize no superior, here or elsewhere." 

" Minx ! " 

"Minx! Do you presume to call me 'minx,' — vile 

" Saucy jade ! you shall suffer for this impertinence," 
said Mrs. Strongitharm, leaving the room and slamming 
the door as a parting shot. 

The tiff with the other lady had kept up Miss Griffin's 
spirits, but now that she found herself alone, the discom- 
fited young woman felt the full force of the shock which 
both her pride and her feelings had received through the 


stove-pipe hole, and, throwing herself on the sofa, she 
■wept with rage and mortification. 

She heard a slight tap on the door, and in response to 
her summons to enter, Peewit, who was still lame, 
hopped in hesitatingly, and looking furtively behind him. 
In one hand he had a hot bread poultice, and in the other 
a bouquet, consisting of a great red dahlia surrounded by 
buttercups, dandelions, johnny-jumpers, and piny flowers. 

"You don't look well, miss," said the gentleman. 
"Has Mrs. Strongitharm made you sick? Is there an} r - 
thing I can do for you ? " 

"You are a good kind soul, Peewit," answered the 
lachy, " and I am grateful for the sympathy expressed in 
your face ; but a woman's deep nature is beyond your ken. 
Accept my thanks for these beautiful children of the wild- 
wood. Such delicate attentions speak to the heart. 
How's your foot ? " 

" Ah ! Miss Minerva; how I wish Mrs. Strongitharm 
was like 3 r ou. She don't make tender inquiries about my 
hurt. She only calls me an awkward booby, and says I 
got just what I deserved. It is getting well ; thanks to 

Peewit putting his foot on a chair, Miss Griffin skilfully 
undid the bandages, and dressed it with the poultice. 

In the mean while, Lovell, getting tired of unearthing 
the scattered melon-seeds, — a work that seemed inter- 
minable, for every morning he would find a dozen young 
sprouts where he had pulled up one the day before, — left 
the patch, and walked hand in hand with Charity to the 
grove, in order to rest a while after his labor. 

" I will go to your father this very day," said he, " and 
ask his consent to our immediate marriasre." 


" Oh, how happy we will be ! " said she. 

" In our own cottage," said he. 

" I am afraid, Lenny, that my father will not consent 
to my going away from him, and I should really regret to 
leave him." 

" I hope," answered Lovell, "that he will in time see 
the impracticability of his present scheme, and the folly 
of sacrificing his own interests and yours for the sake of 
those who have no claim upon him, and some of whom 
are perhaps taking advantage of his kindness of heart 
for their own selfish ends ; but do you suppose that, when 
you are my wife, I could abide by the absurd rules of this 
establishment ? You know that husbands and wives are 
not allowed to — are kept apart, except" — 

Cherry put her hand over her lover's mouth . He pressed 
it to his lips, and, holding it in his, they held a long and 
earnest conversation, the purport of which we have been 
unable to discover. 

Their tender colloquy was interrupted by the approach 
of Professor Malpest, whom they saw coming through the 
garden. When that gentleman reached the grove, he 
found Miss Charity quietly engaged in embroidering the 
initials L. L. in the corner of a cambric handkerchief, 
while Mr. Lovell was exceedingly busy trimming the 

" Miss Goodenough," said the professor, " I regret to 
disturb you when engaged in such agreeable occupation ; 
but your father has desired me to bid you go to him imme- 
diately as he wishes to speak to you." 

Charity rose and went towards the house. The profes- 
sor started to accompany her, when Lovell called him 
back to ask his opinion as to the best way of trimming 


the trees. Malpest, who understood the object of this 
questioning, advised him to lop them off an inch above 
the ground ; adding that it would indirectly benefit the 

" Brother Nicholas is facetious," said Lovell. 

"It is better to be merry than sad," said Malpest, 
" and I feel happy to see brother Leander exerting his 
talents to such good purpose." 

" I am glad you appreciate my efforts, sir," answered 
Lovell, " and doubt not that you will congratulate me 
when you hear that they have met with their reward." 

"I presume nryj-oung friend has heard of the individ- 
ual who counted his chickens before the eggs were 

" Yes, sir ; and also of the fox that was caught in his 
own trap." 

The two gentlemen continued to bandy words together 
for some time ; the dialogue being politely sarcastic on 
the pai't of the professor, and cuttingly ironical (or at 
least he thought so), on the part of Lovell. Both were 
becoming animated, if not heated, by the verbal skirmish, 
when it was interrupted by the arrival of Mrs. Strongi- 
tharm, who came into the garden, and beckoned to the 
professor in a mysterious manner to come to her, casting 
at the same time sinister glances at Lovell. 

This gentleman went on with his work of spoiling the 
trees, while the others held a whispered conference. The 
lady soon seemed to become somewhat excited and he dis- 
tinctly heard Malpest say, — 

" It is too good to be true." 

" Good, sir ! " exclaimed Mrs. Strongitharm, aloud. 
" Do you call it good? It is a scandal, — an abomination." 


Oh, yes! certainly, of course," answered the other. 
" It is a crime, a sin." 

A stain on Harmonianism," continued Mrs. Strong- 
itharm ; and they must be turned out of the establishment 
before they corrupt the whole community." 

"By Jove! the suggestion is good," replied Malpest; 
" an example should be made of them. Let us go at 
once and consult the doctor." 

The parties then] entered the house, while Lovell sat 
down on a bench and amused himself by cutting thereon 
the following cabalistic figure. 



When Charity entered her father's presence, in obedi- 
ence to his summons, the old gentleman took her by the 
hand, and led her to a chair. The young girl knew, by 
his solemn deportment, that something important was 

"My daughter," said he, seating himself before her, 
" you are now verging on womanhood, — on that time when 
the pleasures and pains of the girl give place to others 
of a more serious nature. The age of youthful frivolity 
is passing away, and it will soon be time for you to 
begin your woman's mission on earth. There-are objec- 
tions to deferring this momentous epoch too long. Have 
you ever thought upon the subject of marriage ? " 

" 7, papa ! " 

" Of course you have not. Pardon me for asking the 
question ; but I have thought of it for you." 

50 tjif rniLosornER3 of foufouville. 

Miss Charity blushed (or tried to do so), and looked 
very hard at an ink spot on the floor. 

" I have selected as your partner for life, a man emi- 
nently worthy of your esteem, and my most trusty dis- 
ciple, — brother Nicholas Malpest. I presume my choice 
is satisfactory to you." 

There was a pause. 

""Why do you not speak, my child? " said the doctor. 
" You seem strangely agitated ; but this is natural." 

" Papa," said Charity, hesitatingly, "I do not love 
Professor Malpest." 

"Love!" exclaimed the doctor; "what can you ex- 
pect to know about love ? I do not ask you to love him." 

" O father, would you have me united to a man for 
whom I had no attachment ? " 

" Who can have put such mischievous ideas into your 
head? The passion you speak of is the cause of much 
sin and misery. I do not intend that it shall exist in 
Harmony Hall. A general affection for our fellow-creat- 
ures is all that I wish. This carnal love is a different 
feeling. The first, ' intellectus amor,' is proper in the 
eyes of God and man ; but as to the second, ' ut castis 
auribus vox amoris suspecta est.' But I will not enlarge 
on the subject, for it is better that you should remain in 
ignorance of it." 

" I do not wish to take this important step," said Char- 
ity, " without due meditation and preparation. If you 
intend to force me to marry that man, give me at least a 
month for reflection." 

" I intend to use no other force than the voice of rea- 
son," answered the doctor. " Your request is eminently 
proper. It is granted, and in a month I shall expect to 


receive your assent. Now, my child, go to your room and 
ponder over the coming change in your condition." 

Miss Charity withdrew from the study, but did not go 
directly to her own room. She went first to that of Miss 
Griffin, in order to seek counsel and consolation from her 
older friend, not knowing that the latter was by far the 
most in need of relief to her wounded feelings. 

The two damsels unbosomed their sorrows to each 
other; Miss Charity telling hers in extenso; but Miss 
Minerva only making a partial revelation ; for hers, she 
said, was a silent grief. When told of the doctor's de- 
sign, she expressed the most unbounded astonishment 
and indignation that he should think of throwing his 
daughter away on " such an unprincipled, deceitful vil- 

"But nothing shall ever induce me to have him," said 

' " You are a sensible girl," answered Miss Griffin. " I 
cannot conceive how any woman could look at such a 

" It grieves me to disobey my father, or to thwart him 
in any way," said Charity ; " but I cannot believe that 
filial duty makes it obligatory on me to sacrifice the hap- 
piness of my life to his peculiar views, and I regret that I 
did not acknowledge to him that my heart was given to 
Mr. Lovell ; but you know, Minerva, how a woman shrinks 
from confessing such things, even to a parent." 

"Why should woman conceal her feelings, and pine in 
solitude? " replied Miss Griffin ; " man does not. My ad- 
vice to you, as a sincere friend, and one who has a 
thorough knowledge of human nature, is, that you tell Mr. 
Malpest frankly that you detest him, and that your young 

52 THE rniLOSOPUEIiS OF foufouville. 

affections are centred on Leander. That will of course, 
allay the passion with which he pretends you have in- 
spired him, and he will immediately cease his importuni- 

" But I cannot truly say that I actually detest him," an- 
swered Charity. " I acknowledge that in his presence I 
feel a sort of instinctive aversion ; but I do not detest 

" That is a distinction without a difference, my dear," 
replied Miss Griffin. "You have an aversion to him. 
I sympathize with you. Tell him you loathe him, you ab- 
hor him." 

" I will be guided partially by your counsel," said Miss 
Charity, " and will go to him and tell him candidly that 
I am indifferent to him." 

" I will accompany you when you do so, dear. My 
presence will enable you better to undergo the trying 

" I don't think it will be very trying." 

"Then Charity, you know not your weakness," said 
Miss Griffin, judging her friend by herself. 

Miss Goodenough now went to her own room, while 
Miss Griffin relieved her overburdened mind by writing a 
philippic against the male sex in general, and Professor 
Malpest in particular, although she did not mention him 
by name. 

In the mean while, Lovell, having satisfactorily finished 
his wood-cut of the two hearts united by a true lover's 
knot, went up to his room, polished his boots, put about 
a quarter of a pound of pomatum on his hair, dressed 
himself with unusual spruceness, and then proceeded in 
search of the doctor. Mr. Lovell was in an exceedingly 


happy frame of mind, for be did not doubt tbat tbe pro- 
bation be bad undergone, at Harmony Hall, had thrown 
the veil of oblivion over his unfortunate fiasco in the 
doctor's office in town, and he was consequently sanguine 
that the old gentleman would at once consent to the con- 
summation of his happiness. 

He had prepared (a month before) a speech for the oc- 
casion, in which he set forth his social standing, his pros- 
pects in life, and his unalterable devotion to Charity, all 
of which, excepting the last, was already known to the 
doctor. But now, when he entered the actual presence of 
his prospective father-in-law, the unwontedly severe as- 
pect of the old gentleman, and the grave manner with 
which he received him, took him so completely by surprise 
that he quite forgot his oration and could not open his lips. 
" Be seated, sir," said the doctor. 
Loveil dumped himself down on the nearest chair. 
" My friends, you may retire," said the doctor to Pro- 
fessor Malpest and Mrs. Strongitharm, who were with him, 
and who looked significantly at Loveil as they left the 

" I was about to send for you, sir, when you oppor- 
tunely came in," said the doctor. " I have been grieved 
— deeply grieved — at the reports that have reached me 
concerning your conduct towards one of the sisters. 
There is some doubt (in my mind at least) as to the ex- 
tent to which your criminality has gone, and, in fact I am 
loth, extremely loth, to believe that the tempter can act- 
ually have found his way amongst us, and was desirous of 
personally inquiring into this lamentable affair before 
taking any action in the matter." 
" I know not what you have heard, sir," answered Lov- 


54 tiie rniLOsopnEhs of foufowille. 

ell ; " but I can assure j'ou that my intentions are strict- 
ly honorable ; and I have come to you to-day for the pur- 
pose of asking your consent to our marriage." 

A benevolent smile passed over the doctor's face. 

"Ah! my dear young friend," he said, "I knew that 
my informants must be mistaken. Their rigid sense of 
propriety has doubtless led them to take an unfavorable 
view of actions, not only innocent, but meritorious, when 
prompted by proper motives. But have you duly weighed 
all the momentous responsibilities of the step you think 
of taking? Have you taken into consideration your 
own youth and the lady's age?" 

" Since she is old enough to love, she is old enough to 
many," replied Leander, somewhat joyously, for he felt 
encouraged by the favorable turn the doctor's remarks 
seemed to be taking. 

"Undoubtedly," said the doctor, "sister Minerva is 
old enough to marry." 

" Miss Griffin, sir?" cried Lovell, jumping up ; "I have 
never thought of Miss Griffin. I have hardly ever spok- 
en a word to her. I don't care a tinker's d — for her." 

Miss Minerva, who was scribbling in the room over- 
head, was attracted by the mention of her name, and, with 
the curiosity which is said to have been inherent in her 
sex since the days of Eve, promptly placed herself beside 
the stove-pipe hole. It is from her journal that we ex- 
tract the rest of the conversation. 

" It is Charity, sir," continued Leander, " my own dear- 
est Charity, whose hand I ask." 

" My daughter ! " said the doctor, with surprise. " Real- 
ly I do not comprehend the matter. Why, my dear boy, 
you are too young as yet, to think of becoming a father." 


"I am quite indifferent to children, sir," answered 
Lovell, " and as Charity seems rather delicate, I would 
really prefer not to have any." 

"Then, pray, for what reason do you wish to many 

" Because I love her." 

" You love ! Why, that is against the rules of the estab- 

The doctor slowly turned round in his chair, raised his 
spectacles from his nose to his forehead, stuck his quill 
behind his ear, crossed his legs, and rubbed his hands to- 
gether, which actions poor Leander knew too well were 
the promonitory symptoms that foreboded an eruption of 
the Greeks and Romans ; so he folded his arms, and stood 
resigned to a patient and passive resistance. 

" I perceive with regret," said Dr. Goodenough, " that 
you have not yet dwelt long enough amongst us to overcome 
the desires of the flesh. It is the evil spirit of man thajfc 
has been aroused within you. My daughter unfortunately 
is comely, and I see with sorrow that you are far from 
being a true Harmonian. You are not yet imbued with 
the spirit of the New Utopia. Had you pondered over 
my studies on the Development of Healthy Offspring, you 
would be aware of the folly, if not wickedness, of seeking 
the premature gratification of a mere appetite at the ex- 
pense of generations yet to be. The Lacedaemonians did 
not permit young men to marry until they were twenty-five 
years old. Plato informs us that the proper age is thirty ; 
but Aristotle fixes it at thirty-seven. I waited until I 
was forty. As to this ' love,' as you call it, Avicenna 
tells us it is 'a mere disease, a melancholy vexation, or 
anguish of mind.' According to Villanovanus, it is 'a 


continual cogitation of that which is desired, with a con- 
fidence or hope of compassing it.' ' Est orcus illc,' says 
Plutarch, ' vis est immedicabilis, est rabies insana.' The 
part affected, according to Arnold as, is the fore part of 
the head, but Longius is of opinion that it is seated in the 
liver. Others hold that the disease is in the spleen, while 
some think that the trouble arises from an inflammation 
in the heart. 

" To overcome this malady, which is extremely danger- 
ous in youth, eight rules have been prescribed, all of 
which are more or less efficacious. 

"1. Abstinence and diet, and, in extreme cases, fast- 

"2. Hard work. 'Vacuo pectore regnat amor.' Love 
tyrannizeth over an idle person. 

" 3. Light clothing in cold weather. (St. Origen car- 
ried this precept to the extreme.) 

• " 4. Hair-cloth worn next to the skin. (Doubtless on 
the principle of a counter-inflammation.) 

"5. Camphor internally administered, with syrup off 
hellebore, and an occasional clyster of ice-water. 

" 6. Absence from the cause of the mischief; as per- 
sons fly from districts in which they are subject to fever. 

" 7. Avoidance of amorous thoughts. 

"8. Phlebotomy. The ancient Tartars were accus- 
tomed to draw the blood from behind the ears, others 
took it from the legs, while some preferred leeches on the 

" You now, my dear boy, clearly perceive the folly into 
which youth and its unbridled impulses were leading you, 
and how easy it is to cure your complaint. You have 
merely to follow one or more of the prescriptions I have 


given you. If you are much affected I would advise you 
to try them all. Look at me. You see me at nearly 
seventy years of age, calm and tranquil, because I am 
able to keep under the control of reason those passions 
that cause so much trouble to mankind." 

" Nothing, sir," answered Leander, " can ever weaken 
my love for Charity ; I adore her." 

" Do not make use of unseemly language, sir, in Har- 
mony Hall," replied the doctor ; " I find nothing peculiar 
in the diagnosis of your case. You are affected as thou- 
sands have been before you, and the remedies that cured 
them will cure you. 

" Retire now to your apartment, with this copy of the 
* Regeneration of Man.' Its perusal will strengthen your 
mind ; and, if you take a strong dose of the sweet spirits 
of nitre with a little rhubarb and magnesia, the medicine 
will cool your hot blood, and excite in you quite different 
feelings from those that now agitate you." 

" Then, sir, you refuse me the hand of Charity," said 

"Most decidedly, sir," answered the doctor. "Even 
if I thought it prudent to select you for her husband, I 
would not be at liberty to do so, since she is already 
promised to another, — to one, who, to unbounded benevo- 
lence, and the most perfect acquiescence in all my views, 
has learned to suppress the promptings of the flesh, and 
regards marriage merely as a means to an end. She is to 
be united to brother Nicholas Malpest." 

Poor Lenny's heart was too full for words, and he 
silently stole out of the study, a sadder if not a wiser 
man. He was seen soon afterwards walking up and clown 
the garden in a highly excited manner, gesticulating 


wildly, clenching his fists, and anon striking at va- 

" D n the fellpw," he exclaimed. " To think of 

my being refused for a beggarly upstart adventurer, — a 
scoundrel, who I believe has deliberately led Dr. Good- 
enough into this Foufouville business, solely for selfish 
purposes of his own. But I'll unmask the villain ; I'll un- 
mask him, or have his heart's blood. He shall find that 
Leander Ijovell is not a man to be trifled with. Ugh ! " 



Some curious and interesting Papers never before presented 
to the Public. 

"We now propose to lay before the reader a few of the 
original documents from which this narrative is compiled. 
It is true that on glancing over the pages already written, 
and seeing the somewhat dramatic form that the work has 
unavoidably taken, we feel a strong inclination to con- 
tinue in the same style. We have the lovesick maiden, 
the despairing lover, the partially successful rival, who is 
also the villain of the piece, the tyrannical father, and two 
or three makeweights, whose characteristics being comic, 
form an admirable contrast to the pathetic portions of the 
story. In the first chapter we have described the locality, 
and brought the dramatis personal on the scene ; in the 
second, the introduction of the domestics would seem a 
master-stroke of policy, like clearing the decks for action, 
and leaving the company entire freedom of movement ; 
by the end of the third, we have got our ingredients pretty 
well mixed up, that is to say, the plot has begun to de- 
velop itself, all sorts of passions have been brought into 
play, and almost everybody has got at loggerheads with 
somebody else. "We repeat, that when we consider all 
this, we feel strongly tempted to give way to our fertile 
imagination and, taking the few actual facts for a basis, 
to spin a plain, unvarnished tale into a three-volume 
novel ; but our respect for the memory of the late Dr. 


Goodenough, our desire to defend bis reputation against 
the criticisms and sarcasms of the witless journalists of 
an unscrupulous press, and our sense of duty to an intel- 
ligent public sball restrain us from thus seeking after liter- 
ary fame under false pretences, and we shall rigidly ad- 
here to our first intention, and simply give a matter-of-fact 
record of the most important events connected with the 
experiment at Foufouville. Moreover, since the years 
of man's life are but threescore and ten, and we do not 
possess the lucrative faculty of saying something when we 
have nothing to say, we shall study concision in every 
way possible ; a study, we regret to say, that is too much 
neglected by modern writers, whose chief aim seems to 
be to make a whole volume out of incidents and thoughts 
enough for a single chapter only ; a fault that has led 
readers into the reprehensible (though, under the circum- 
stances, excusable) habit of skipping. In pursuance of 
this plan we shall give the original documents whenever 
they are of sufficient interest, or whenever the}' exhibit 
the causes of the decline of Ilarmonianism as clearly and 
concisely as a synopsis would do ; and whenever we deem 
it preferable we shall digest our authorities. 

These may be divided into eight classes, as follows : — 

1st. Letters from members of the society, or parties 
connected with them. 

2d. The books of the phalanstery, comprising one blot- 
ter, one day-book, and one ledger. These are all in the 
handwriting of Prof. Nicholas Malpcst. 

3d. Vouchers for the expenses of the phalanstery. 
Most of these show indubitable evidence of having been 
tampered with (as will be explained hereafter), and are 
consequently of little value. 


4th. Plans, specifications, etc., in the possession of 
Palladio Styles, Esq., N. A. A., architect and builder. 

5th. Records of the proceedings of kindred societies. 

6th. The " Journal of an Ennuyee," by Miss Serena 
Minerva Griffin (not intended for publication). 

7th. The press of the time, particularly the Comic 
Weekly and Monthly Squib. 

8th. Oral testimony. We have collected this at no 
little personal trouble (and regardless of expense), hav- 
ing visited Foufouville for the sole purpose of interrogat- 
ing those who lived there during the brief existence of 
the New Utopians, as such ; for it should be borne in 
mind that the transactions, now for the first time narrated 
to the public in an authentic form, all took place within 
the memory of men still living. That well-known indi- 
vidual, the oldest inhabitant, remembered the Har'monian 
era perfectly, and had, on one occasion, even seen Dr. 
Goodenough himself. Two highly respectable retired 
oystermen, who lived at Communipaw at the time of the 
events of which we are writing, but who were accustomed 
to pay frequent visits to Foufouville (where they married 
a fishmonger's daughters), gave us much valuable infor- 
mation. We are also indebted to John Smith, Esq., now 
cashier of the National Bank of Foufouville, who recol- 
lected being frequently engaged, when a boy, in nocturnal 
expeditions with youths of his own age, for the purpose 
of robbing the hen-roosts, or of committing depredations 
on the apple-trees at the Hall. We have also conversed 
with all the surviving Harmonians, except Professor Mal- 
pest, whom we have been unable to find, and who, it is 
therefore highly probable, is now defunct. 

Of our MS. authorities, some have been for a long time 


in our possession ; others have been kindly lent to us 
by Leander Lovell, Esq., president of the Oil Ocean 
Petroleum Co., and a few, belonging to the Jersey City 
Historical Society, have been politely placed at our dis- 
posal for perusal by the urbane and gentlemanly librarian. 
The reader will observe that the following papers are 
not given in strict chronological order. We have pre- 
ferred to follow the method adopted by other superior 
writers, as Gibbon, Prescott, Tacitus, etc., and have 
grouped them with reference to the events of which they 




" To all Mankind and future Generations, Greeting : 
The Society of Harmonious, for the regeneration of man, 
has a practical existence. Foufouville is the new Eden 
where the tree of knowledge has been planted. Its fruit 
is free to all. O ye who are still wandering in the wil- 
derness of Ignorance, who are tossed on the stormy waves 
of Passion, who are lost in the desert of Doubt, in dan- 
ger of being swept away by the simoon of Sin, come to 
this earthly Paradise, this haven of refuge, this oasis 
where all is verdant. 

"Without, ye have endless strifes, contentions, heart- 
burnings, lusts, envy, hatred, and all uncharitableness ; 
within, only brotherly love, harmony, peace, and good- 

" Hasten, then, to the new fold ; the door is open ; 
come one, come all. 

"J. Goodenougii. 

" Given at Foufouville, this 1st day of the 1st month of the 1st year 
of the Ilaruionian Era." 



"FotTFOUTILLE, 4th 1st Mo., A. H. 1. 

" Respected Friend and Brother, — The fame of your 
translation of the New Utopia has reached America. I 
thank you, in the. name of humanity, for the boon you 
have conferred upon your fellow-man, and the special 
honor paid to my unworthy self. I am proud to think 
that henceforth my name will be indissolubly associated 
with that of Gurump. I knew that the German mind 
would not fail to appreciate the mighty truths I have 
humbly endeavored to inculcate. 

" You are doubtless aware that the Society of Harmo- 
nians has at last a local habitation as well as a name. 
The dream of my life is being realized. We are now 
dwelling in the first phalanstery, and others are to be 
erected as soon as the number of proselytes who have 
joined us reaches one thousand. 

" Here we are gathered together, a chosen few, and in 
this tranquil retreat, entirely dissevered from mundane 
thoughts and pursuits, we find that peace which the world 
cannot give, with its snares, its temptations, its bicker- 
ings, its unholy passions ; that perfect serenity of mind 
for which mortals have hitherto sighed in vain. 

" I send with this, copies of my last two works, the 
" Regeneration of Man," and " Studies on the Develop- 
ment of Healthy Offspring." 

" Farewell, respected friend and brother. 


" P. S. I enclose a pamphlet containing our circular, 
together with our rules and regulations, and would ad- 
vise that it be translated into German, and from fifty 


thousand to one hundred thousand copies printed for gen- 
eral distribution." 


" "We, the undersigned, constituting the Woman's Un- 
ion Association of Lebanon, have received, with un- 
bounded satisfaction, tidings of the glorious enterprise 
inaugurated under the auspices of the far-seeing and pro- 
gressive Dr. Goodenough. 

" The Age of Reason is indeed at hand. Woman Mill 
no longer be exposed to the neglect of the other sex. 

" Profoundly impressed by the delightful prospect of 
happiness held out in the circular of Dr. G., we pro- 
pose at once uniting our fortunes "with yours, and write 
to inquire the cheapest route to Harmony Hall. 

"We deem it proper to state (however unimportant the 
fact may be) that we shall not be able to contribute 
pecuniarily to the resources of the society ; but do not 
doubt that the noble example we shall set to the world, 
and the moral influence gained by our presence will more 
than counterbalance the want of mere lucre. 
"Your sisters in love, 

"Miss Mary Ann Ketchum. 
"Miss Cleopatra Grosbeck. 
" Miss Evergreen Waite. 
"Miss Sophonisba Hope. 
" Miss Martha Valentine. 
"Miss Patience Staahl." 

(No dato.) 



"Harmony Hall, April 25th, 1850. 
" To Miss Mary Ann Ketclium and Others : 

" Ladies, — It is with inexpressible regret, — owing to 
the great moral influence that would accrue to our com- 
munity could we have the benefit of your presence amongst 
us, to say nothing of personal gratification, — it is, I re- 
peat, with the deepest regret that I am constrained to 
inform you, that, in consequence of the heavy outlay to 
which we have been put in preparing for the thousands 
of New Utopians whose arrival is daily expected (by Dr. 
Goodenough), we must for the present deprive ourselves 
of the advantages and pleasures of your society. 

" Accept, ladies, the assurance of my distinguished 

"Nich. Malpest, 
"Cor. Sec. of the S. of &." 


" Foufouvillk, April 19th, 1850. 

"Sir, — I shall endeavor to be present at the coming 
convention of the Female Rights Association. 

" Your bill for extending the franchise to woman meets 
my approval. It is encouraging, in these degenerate days, 
to find one man of enlarged ideas. 

" How differently legislation would be conducted if 
women had the making of the laws ! Instead of the pres- 
ent contentions that disgrace our assemblies, all would be 



" The abominable tariff now imposed on silks, satins, 
laces, feathers, and other articles of female necessity, 
would be at once repealed. 

" The amassing of excessive wealth would be prohib- 
ited. Those who possessed more than a competency 
would be compelled to bestow the surplus on portionless 
young women. 

" Every man who attained the age of thirty years with- 
out having taken a wife, would be obliged to support at 
least one foundling or orphan, and an additional one for 
every year thereafter that he persisted in celibacy. 

"Whiskers being a symbol of- manhood, no bachelor 
would be permitted to wear them ; nor would any such 
be eligible to any public office whatever. 

" A suitable and becoming costume (such as is worn 
by me) would be made obligatory on the female sex. 

" Theatrical exhibitions would be put down, as having 
an injurious influence on public morals ; or at least they 
would be held under severe restrictions. Males alone 
would be allowed to perform in ballets. 

" Those abominable institutions called clubs would be 
broken up (unless women were admitted to them), and 
they would be closed at nine o'clock, p. m. No card- 
playing or billiards would be tolerated in them. 

" Those houses — likened by Miss Martineau to harems 
— would be torn down, and the sites sown with salt. 

" An army would be despatched against the Mormons 
to exterminate those American Turks. 

" No religion would be tolerated save one founded on 
common sense. 

" The shameful license of the press would be curtailed. 


Editors who took a wrong view of the woman question 
would be put in the pillory, and their papers suppressed. 

"The distillation of spirituous liquor, under any pre- 
tense whatever, would be prohibited. 

"No vile tobacco would be imported or grown. 

" Such, sir, are a few of the reforms that will follow 
the bestowing of the ballot on my sex. Think how much 
more happy mankind will be. 

" Woman, instead of spending her life in beau-catching, 

or the pursuit of frivolities, as at present, will stand on 

her rights by the polls, armed with that palladium of 

liberty, the ballot, and, hurling it in the face of masculine 

injustice, will appear with a new charm in the domestic 


" I am, sir, yours, in progress, 

" Elizabeth Strongitharii. 

" To the Hon. A. J. Jones, Albany." 


" Foufouville, March 29th, 1850. 

" Dear Dick, — I have not joined the Macedonian Pha- 
lanx, as you insinuate, nor is it Mars, but rather Venus, who 
has brought me here. The truth is, I am engaged to the 
most beautiful, lovely, and fascinating of her sex, daugh- 
ter of the celebrated Dr. Goodenough, author of several 
well-known works on social philosophy. I have not j r et 
been converted to the doctor's peculiar views, and must 
confess that I am guilty of some little dissimulation in 
foisting myself into his society ; but ' all is fair in love,' 
you know. O Dick, she is adorable ! When or where 
the ceremony will take place I cannot tell, for untoward 
circumstances have prevented me thus far from asking 


the old gentleman's consent ; but I shall obtain it in a 
clay or two. She is perfection. To know her is to love 
her ; she — but I won't expatiate on this charming theme 
to such a matter-of-fact individual as you are. You might 
call it a bore, and I should never forgive you. How 
lucky I am to be in existence at the same time as Charity, 
— for her equal never lived before ! Her eyes are of that 
deep azure only seen in the sky of Italy at noon-day ; 
her hair is auburn, and falls in natural ringlets over her 
alabaster shoulders ; her delicately chiselled nose — " [we 
will omit the rest of this descriptive passage, as not being 
of sufficient public importance to warrant an insertion.] 
" I am the most happy and most fortunate man on the 
face of the earth. 

" I have a sort of rival (but he has no chance), one 
Malpest, who calls himself ' professor ' — of what, I know 
not. He is the chief-cook-and-bottle-washer of the con- 
cern, and his actions, in some respects, appear suspicious ; 
still, for all I know to the contrary, he may be a good 
enough fellow at heart. (Charity, dear girl, hates the 
sight of him.) 

" A strong-minded harridan of a bloomer, with the man 
she protects, and an affected spinster, complete the in- 
mates. The Strongitharm is abusing everybody from 
morning to night, and perpetually pecking at poor Pee- 
wit, whom she calls her co-partner. He has lately shown 
symptoms of insubordination. The forlorn Griffin goes 
about expressing the loftiest disdain for mankind (how 
different she would be if she had a good stout husband, 
and half-a-dozen yellow-haired brats around her!), and 
contrasting her own contented condition with the bicker- 
ing existence of Stongitharm & Co. 


" The two women, of course, are at sword's points. 

" Why do you bore me about business, and say you 

can't get along without me ? What the mischief do I care 

about business when I am going to be married to the girl 

of my heart? 

" Yours ever, L. L." 


"New York, April 1st, 1850. 
"Sir, — On presenting your check on the National 
Bank for $325 T 9 8 , given in payment of our bill for cloth- 
ing, we were advised that your balance there amounted 
to but $l T {hj, and the check was consequently dis- 

" Respectfully, your obedient servant, 

" Westcott & Co." 


" Harmony Hall, April 4th, 1850. 
" Gents, — I trust that my inadvertence in overlooking 
the state of my bank account when I gave you my check, 
may not have subjected you to any inconvenience. It is 
a matter of astonishment to me that the officials should 
have hesitated to allow my account to be temporarily over- 
drawn, as it is customary to do with heavy depositors, and 
I shall have no further dealings with a moneyed institu- 
tion so blind to its own interests. 

" My funds at the present moment are all locked up in 
one of the most promising speculations of the age ; but I 
am making arrangements by which I hope in a few weeks 
to render them available. 

" Your obedient servant, 

" Nicholas Malpest." 



" New Yokk, April 5. 

"Dear Len, — Our business really requires the undi- 
vided attention of both of us, so that one may always be 
present at the office. We have lost some good chances 
lately in consequence of my temporary but unavoidable ab- 
sences ; so hurry up and get married if it is necessary for 
you to commit that act, in order to recover your wonted 
serenity and go to work. 

"Meanwhile congratulations, — felicity, etc. 

" Yours, R. L. 

'P. S. — I've hung up our shingle 'Longshanks & 
Lovell, Brokers.' " 


" Foufoutille, April 21. 

" Dear Dick, — I am the most miserable man in ex- 
istence. A malignant fate seems to pursue me. Old 
Goodenough has actually resolved to throw away his 
Charity on that double-distilled villain, Malpest. But the 
deed shall never be consummated, never, Richard, never. 
Charity has obtained a delay of one month, and in that 
month something shall be done, for I must have her ; cost 
what it may, I must have her. She won't consent to a 
clandestine marriage, because she clings to her father in 
the most childish manner, and says she could never for- 
give herself should any act of hers cause him pain. Un- 
der these unprecedentedly embarrassing circumstances, I 
feel the need of a friend to lean upon. Let me hear from 
you without delay. 


" As to that despicable miscreant who pretends to her 
hand, should he give me the shadow of an excuse, may 
my right arm be withered if I don't thrash the black- 
hearted scoundrel within an inch of his life ! 

" Had I not better call him out at once? "Will you be 
my friend on the occasion ? If so, come down as soon as 
you can with the hair-triggers. 

"Yours, L. L." 


" Wall Street, April 23d. 

" Dear Len, — On the 5th inst. I wrote you a congrat- 
ulatory letter under the impression that the affair was 
settled, but I perceive, by yours of the 21st, that this was 
an error. 

" The truth is, you have fallen in love, which is the 
most silly thing a man can do, particularly when the girl 
on her part preserves her senses ; and it is clear to my 
mind that Miss What's-her-name don't care a pin for you 
since she won't run away with you. In fact, I think it most 
likely she is smitten with that other fellow. He has pater- 
familias on his side, which is a great advantage. 

" The best thing you can do is to take the matter phil- 
osophically, as I should do under the circumstances, 
and forget the young woman entirely. To accomplish 
this nothing more is necessary than not to think of her at 
all. So come back to town like a sensible man and go to 
work again. 

"Yours, R. L." 

72 the philosophers of foufouville. 

leander lovell, esq., to richard longsnanks, esq. 

"Foufouville, April 25th, 1850. 

" Sir, — I expected to find in you a sj^mpathetic friend, 
instead of an indifferent man-of-the-world. Having never 
seen the young lady, of course you cannot enter into my 
feelings ; but that was no reason for casting a slur on her 
character, — for such I regard j-our insinuation that she 
has become attached to another. 

" Sir, your philosophy I despise. I could not, and 
would not if I could, forget her until my latest breath. 
It is my intention to demand satisfaction from the scoun- 
drel, and had hoped that you would second me ; but now I 
shall look elsewhere for that act of friendship. 

" Sir, our acquaintance is at an end and our partner- 
ship dissolved. Be pleased to remove my name from the 

" Your obedient servant, 

" Leander Lovell." 

richard longshanks, esq., to leander lovell, esq. 

" Wall Street, April 27th. 

" My dear Leander, — What is the matter with you? 
I didn't know how unreasonably savage love made a man. 
I must get into that condition myself in order to find out 
the sensation. But, seriously speaking, I had no inten- 
tion of wounding your feelings, and if my note has done 
so (I certainly expected it would have a soothing effect) , I 
must ask you to excuse it. 

"As to challenging Mr. Malpest, I really do not think 
you have justifiable grounds for doing so. You wrote to 
me yourself that it was impossible to see Miss Good- 


enough without loving her ; and such being the case can 
you blame the professor ? If you fight him what will you 
gain? If you wound him, you excite pity for him, and 
pity is akin to love ; while, if you kill him, you find 
yourself in serious trouble. If he wounds you, I don't 
distinctly see where the satisfaction comes in ; while, if he 
kill you, you certainly will not be able to marry the lady, 
but on the contrary he may do so. 

" I shall go down to Foufouville as soon as business 
will allow, in the hope of being of service to you in some 
way. If Malpest should appear to me half as bad a man 
as you imagine him to be, I'll gladly help you tar and 
feather him. 

"Believe me, yours ever truly, 

" Richard Longshanks." 

extracts from the " journal of an ennutee," by miss 
serena minerva griffin. 
"April 20th. — The heart of woman is a soundless sea. 
Man, coarse man, cannot fathom its depths. She was 
born for duality. Like the clinging vine she yearns for a 
protector ; she is ever searching for sympathy ; yet, ac- 
cording to the false customs of society, she must ever 
conceal in her bosom those emotions that fain would find 
utterance in — [illegible]. ' The heart, like a tendril accus- 
tomed to cling,' etc. Man must be the one to propose. How 
absurd ! The sturdy oak must seek the frail vine, not the 
vine the oak. Is this right? Is it proper? The un- 
trammelled promptings of gifted souls answer indignantly, 


"21st. — This has been a trying day. To think I 
could have been so mistaken in that man. But dearly 


have I paid for my error. It is far better for woman to ■ 
exist alone. ' Few are tbe bearts whence one same toucb,' 
etc. Her nature is profoundly analytical. She perceives 
tbose invisible shades of character, that are lost to man's 
less delicate vision, and thus discriminates "with unerring 
judgment the hidden motives of human action. [The 
villain, to have deceived me so grossly ! Why was I so 
blind ? I was indifferent to him before ; now I bate him. 
I despise him]. 

" 22d. — Oh, this aching head ! My temples throb. I 
must apply ice to the region of tbe cerebellum. The 
events of yesterday will never fade from my mind while 
memory retains her seat. It is the warm bearts that suf- 
fer most in this cold world, yet are they ever ready to 
forgive and kiss the hand that wounds. Such is woman. 
[May I live a hundred years to torment him !] I am 
much concerned for poor little innocent Charity. She 
seems inclined to yield so implicitly to the will of her fa- 
ther. She lacks strength of mind. Of course he can- 
not have any real feeling for such a mere chit. His views 
are mercenary. I must warn the simple-minded doctor, 
and put Mr. Lovell on bis guard. The poor young man 
seems to be madly in love. What a pity be has so little 
knowledge of the world ! [The wretch ! I shall be 
avenged on him. He shall know that Minerva Griffin is 
not to be treated lightly]. 

" 23d. — Confined to my bed. That hateful Strongitharm 
came in with her affected condolence. How foolish I was to 
become reconciled to her ! But woman was ever forgiving. 

" ' No strong-minded woman,' said she, ' would allow 
herself to be made sick by a man.' 

" ' What do you mean, madam? ' I asked. 


" ' A true woman would conceal such weakness in her 
own bosom,' she continued ; ' /never would give in.' 

"When I asked her if she called physical suffering a 
'weakness,' she had the impertinence to insinuate that 
my headache was not owing to a disordered stomach, but 
to a disturbance of the heart. I requested her to leave 
me to myself ; on which she called me an ' ungrateful 
thing' to make such a return for her sympathy. Sym- 
pathy indeed ! She rejoices in my sufferings. They en- 
able her to assume airs of superiority. Alas ! it is not 
from her own sex that woman in misfortune must look 
for sympathy. 

" 23cL — Still confined. Mr. Peewit looked really sorrow- 
ful when he came limping in with the gruel. He said he 
had made it himself with the assistance of the cook. He 
is a kind soul is Peewit. 

" The good doctor also came to see me, and prescribed 
ipecac. He does not comprehend the delicacy of the fe- 
male organization. It might work well with a man. Ilia 
pains are merely physical. Only a woman understands 
the organic difference between the sexes. Yet is the doc- 
tor a well-meaning person. [The monster ! I see him in 
the kitchen window talking to the cook. I cannot think 
of eating at this time. Pity is the only feeling I have 
for him.] 

" 2tth. — Still reclining on my sofa. Oh, how wearily 
drag the long hours ! Heigh-ho ! This day I am [erased] 
years of age. He had the effrontery to send to inquire 
how I was, and the maliciousness to choose Strongitharm 
as his messenger. She happened to come in just as I was 
trying on my new green dress. Green is very becom- 
ing to my style of — that is to say, to delicate blondes. 


The yellow dahlia Mr. Peewit sent me, and which was 
placed on my bosom, heightened the color considerably, 
and contrasted well with the light-blue trimmings and the 
red coiffure. I looked — no matter how. So I told her 
I was perfectly well as she saw. She went out with a 
disappointed air. "Was it envy? Mr. Peewit said he 
wished his ogre (though that is not the exact word he 
used) dressed like me. He is a man of taste. 

" 25th. — I see from my window Mr. Lovell and Charity 
in the grove. He is very demonstrative. It is a pleas- 
ure to watch them, — love is so rare. What a passionate 
attachment his seems to be ! How strange that a mere 
chit of sixteen should inspire such ardent devotion, when 
those in whom maturer years have developed all the full 
yearnings of woman's nature are comparatively neglected ! 
Where are man's boasted powers of reason ? Alas ! he has 
none where woman is concerned. [The only sentiment 
he excites is repulsion. I will follow him to the end of 
the earth for the sake of vengeance. He is talking to the 
cook again.] 

" Afternoon. — I have spoken to Mr. Lovell about him. 
He said he believed he was a mere adventurer ; ' after her 
inoney,' was the expression he used ; that Charity posi- 
tively abhors him. The dear child ! Lovell has more 
discernment than I gave him credit for. 

" I also spoke to the doctor on the same subject. He 
told me I was nervous and excited, and had better go to 
bed. He also wanted me to take a teaspoonful of sooth- 
ing syrup, and prepared a powerful close of salts, which 
he insisted on my drinking. Mr. Peewit, who was pres- 
ent, and observed the repugnance expressed on my coun- 
tenance, took advantage of the doctor's back being turned 


for a moment, and swallowed the nauseating mixture 
himself. Few men would be capable of such self-sacri- 
ficing devotion. My looks expressed my gratitude, and 
Joseph looked happy. Tears of contentment stood in his 
eyes. To reward him, I asked him to stroll with me in the 
garden, for he is able to walk, although still somewhat 
lame. I leaned upon his arm, being weak from my recent 
illness. He seemed delighted at first, but in about half 
an hour became embarrassed in his manner, and appeared 
ill at ease. We sat down under the trees ; but he contin- 
ued restless, as if .anxious to go away in spite of my 
cheering conversation, and, after a while, suddenly jumped 
up and left me abruptly. Did he fear to be overcome by 
his feelings ? Men are such singular beings ! I really 
begin to believe that Joseph appreciates me. 

li 26t7i. — Feel almost well to-day, but think it prudent 
to remain in my room. Bridget brought me my breakfast, 
with a bunch of wild flowers, from Mr. Peewit. She said 
Mr. Malpest was such a 'nice gentleman.' Ignorant 
creature ! She judges only by externals. Behold Peewit ! 
He is not exactly handsome, yet is his a nature simple, 
perhaps, but generous, and even possessed of a certain 
amount of penetration. He has discovered my superi- 
ority to that odious she-dragon who has appropriated him. 
He would not attempt to deceive a trusting heart. 



" How beautiful are the home affections ! They move 
in perpetual harmony, like the heavenly orbs (and are 
they not heavenly in their nature ?) ; and when the fatal 

78 THE pnizosornEiiS OF foufouville. 

shaft takes one away, it leaves a void that, like the place 
of the lost Pleiad, can never he refilled. 

" What the sword of Alexander was to the Gordian 
knot, so is a harsh word to that of true love. [A pretty 

" Chemistry tells us that sometimes, when we mingle 
two elements together, a portion of one will comhine with 
the other, while a portion still remains free. If this latter 
come in contact with its affinities, it will all be absorbed 
in chemical unions. 

" Thus, few or none of us find all our sympathies re- 
sponded to by another ; some affections remain unsatis- 
fied, or go to waste. Hence we sometimes see a husband 
and wife, who are in many respects congenial, seeking in 
others the satisfaction of those sensibilities that meet with 
repulsion at home. 

"In an all-absorbing love (if such there could be), the 
loss of the beloved would be a total shipwreck of the 
heart. Usually, only a portion of the cargo is lost, and 
even that is sometimes recovered, though in a damaged 

" The negative pole of the magnet repels the negative, 
while there is a mutual attraction between it and the posi- 
tive. How like the apparently singular plrysiological fact, 
that the strongest attachments are between those of dis- 
similar or opposite temperaments ! Didst ever see a 
child's block-map ? 'Tis thus that the affections of the 
happily mated become interlocked. [There is deep 
thought in this.] 


" Behold the hands of a timepiece ! The one pursues 
the other, only to leave it when overtaken. Alas ! how- 
like is the conduct of man to woman ! 

"As the ignorant, seeing not the hidden springs, think 
that the pendulum makes the clock go, so do the superfi- 
cial judge of our motives by — [erased]. [To be worked 

" Woman cannot enter into the feelings of woman to 
the same extent as man. [Profound.] J The male and 
female were formed to be united. Separate, like blue and 
yellow, they may be complementary to each other, but 
joined together, they make one homogeneous whole, their 
natures blended in verdant harmony. 

" Some men look upon women as mere nothings. Well, 
conceited being, granting this were true, nothing (0) 
united to one (1) increases its value tenfold (10). [Hap- 
pily put.] 

" Like the Arabic numerals, the language of love is 
understood by all nations. To use an algebraic expres- 
sion, the eyes are the exponent of this first power of 

" Marriage is a sort of Binomial Theorem, in which, if 
the man is negative, the woman is certain to be positive. 
They increase by unity, until the leading power (femi- 
nine) reaches 45. 

" A vulgar man, like a vulgar fraction, is not a perfect 


entity. His faults may be called his denominators, — the 
greater they are, the less he is worth. 

" As we go up in a balloon, we find that all is frigid 
and serene in the upper atmosphere. Thus, when man 
soars into the lofty regions of philosophy, he looks down 
with disdain, from his intellectual elevation, on the petty 
miseries of earth ; but those cold, calm regions are not 
suited to the tender nature of woman. Her affections 
freeze [rather strong, say wither] when she seeks a 
higher sphere than the domestic hearth. 

"The poet admires the uncultivated charms of Na- 
ture, while the practical man has an eye [I don't like this 
expression] for the well-tilled field. Thus the trifler 
looks only at youth and beauty, while the philosopher 
prefers those in whom the furrows of time indicate the 
fruitfulness of reason. 

" As light ploughing suits a thin soil, so shallow people 
require but little love. A deep affection would be wasted 
upon them ; it would meet with no adequate return. 
The feelings of such may be easily harrowed, but a few 
raindrops of tears efface the impressions of the past. 

"The most saccharine vegetables ripen underground, 
and, alas ! how much sweetness do we often find in some 
humble home, buried, as it were, from the eyes of the 

" Methinks that the heart, like the earth, hath its hills 
and its vales ; but the poorest soil is on the hill-tops, yet 


they are most often caressed by the wandering zephyr, 
■while the rich soil in the glen below rests undisturbed in 
its calm seclusion. [Zephyr is a pretty word ; bring it in 

" A deep lake, — sylvan, volatile zephyr, — only passes 
lightly over the surface, — profound depths, — unmoved, 
oysters hidden there, with pearls in 'em, — gold-fish too, 
no,* not gold-fish, — might seem an allusion to filthy lu- 
cre, and perhaps even make the audience think of eels. 
[Work this up.] 

" In winter you behold only a landscape of snow ; yet 
what rich meadows, what germs of fruitfulness lie dor- 
mant aud concealed beneath it ! Thus does a cold and 
formal manner oft mark a loving nature, in which the warm 
affections, the marital and maternal yearnings of women 
rest undeveloped by the rays of love. 

" If cold hearts sought cold climates, and warm ones 
the tropics, the women would all be congregated at the 

" In the starry heavens there are distant worlds which 
to the eye of ignorance seem as one, but which the learned 
know to be binary ; and how many couples are there who 
appear to be happily united, but whose hearts in reality 
move in widely separate orbits ! 

" Our present laws make the connubial tie, a hard knot, 
easy to do, difficult to undo. How much better were it 
merely a beau-knot, to be tied or untied at pleasure ! 

82 TUB PHILOSOPHERS OF foufouville. 

" The passions of man act upon his heart like acids on 
a metal, while the ennui of prolonged maidenhood is like 
the rust of time, slower in its operation, but none the less 

" Yet it is better for a superior woman to exist alone, 
than to be united to an inferior man. In the one case 
she preserves her purity undimmed ; in the other, like an 
alloy of silver with a baser metal, she becomes lost in the 
union and her beauty is tarnished. [Belle — bell-metal, — 
something can be made out of this.] 

" Potassium brought in contact with ice, unites in com- 
bustion with the oxj-gen which it separates from the hy- 
drogen ; thus those who are coldly united in the bond of 
matrimony may become inflamed with love when a 
stronger aflinity appears. [Very fine — scientific] 

" Man yearns for a congenial mind ; woman for a con- 
genial heart. Is not this a metaphysical subtlety? Is 
not the heart (in a poetical, not an anatomical sense) a 
figurative expression for certain qualities of the mind ? 
Let us then say : man looks for kindred intellectual pow- 
ers ; woman for kindred sympathies. Yet how can we 
reconcile this with the old adage that people like their 
opposites ? Does not this apply only to opposite sexes ? 

" Man (when successful) is happy in the love that he 
feels ; woman in that which she inspires. [Only par- 
tially true.] 

" A red-hot poker is painful to the touch ; toss it in 
water, and the heat, being diffused among the particles of 


the liquid, will not burn. Thus, if our affections are di- 
vided among many, we may pass through life without sor- 
row ; it is only when they are concentrated on one object 
that love becomes a consuming flame. [Good ; but the 
poker is objectionable. Substitute something else for the 

( ' As a little match will kindle a great fire, so doth 
some trifling act of kindness, on the part of the opposite 
sex, start the flame of love. 

"Mr. Peewit says that a married couple should be 
called three, instead of one ; because the woman is won, 
and the man too. But this is a vile pun. I thought 
Joseph was above such nonsense. 

" "What respiration is to the body, so is love to the 
soul ; an involuntary function, yet woman cannot exist 
without it. 

" Platonic love is an ignis fatuus. People may think 
to grasp it, but no one ever felt it. 

" Jealousy and love may exist together, like an amal- 
gam of mercury and gold ; but the warmth of true 
affection drives away all . trace of the ignoble portion of 
the compound, and leaves the other pure. 

" A mirror may diminish our vanity ; but love is only 
increased by reflection. 

" The imagination is the pilot-fish of love. 


" There may be •women who care nothing for men ; but 
none are indifferent to Hymen. Marriage is said to be a 
lottery ; but to enter into it without love, — to marry for 
the sake of a husband, instead of the individual, — is like 
throwing your money into the sea. Yea, more, — it is 
like throwing yourself into a sea where all is bitterness. 

" "Woman would rather be adored than adorable. 

" The yoke of love, like a yoke of oxen, is a good thing 
for the husbandman. 

" To her who is indifferent, all men are men ; to her 
who loves, there is but one man in the world ; all the rest 
are merely human beings. 

" If men knew all that women thought, and women all 
that men thought, how very differently — [Erased]. 
[This idea leads to such frightful conclusions, that I 
shrink from pursuing it.] 

" A woman with only beauty to recommend her is like 
gilded copper. 

" More women are lost by curiosity than by passion. 
[How few men are aware of this !] 

" ' The altar of Hymen,' says Mile. Sophie Arnauld, 
' is the extinguisher of Love.' 

" Is it not rather his dark lantern, where the flame 
may still burn brightly, although not displayed to the 
world ? 


" 27th. — Observed Charity sitting under the trees, 
watching the proceedings of Messrs. Lovell and Peewit 
in the melon-patch beyond. Saw him leave his office, 
cross the garden, and enter into conversation with her. 
Wishing to speak to Mr. P., I was necessarily obliged to 
pass through the grove. As I did so, Charity caught me 
by the hand, saying, — 

" ' I want a witness. Listen ! 

" ' You can give me your answer at another time,' said 

" ' No, sir,' she replied, ' I shall give it now ; and it is 
the only one you will ever get. I declare to j^ou, in the 
presence of Miss Griffin, that I am utterly indifferent to 
you, and that, come what may, I will never consent to be 
your wife.' 

" He bowed and left. But as he turned to go I caught 
his eye. Oh, the triumph of that moment ! "What morti- 
fication and rage were shown in his face ! Truly I may 
say that for once I have experienced happiness. Charity 
is really a superior girl. No wonder Lovell is so infatu- 

" Partook of a hearty meal at noon in my room. 

"Evening. Went down to dinner for the first time 
since my illness. The good doctor took me by the hand, 
and kindly expressed his joy at seeing me about again. 
My indisposition, he said, was owing to my not having 
become accustomed to the perfect harmony and entire 
absence of all mental agitation of our new life. Heigh- 
ho ! How little man knows of the secret workings of a 
woman's heart ! I could not eat ; and Joseph seemed 
much concerned on my account. 

" 28*7*. Sabbath. — Mr. Malpest at the breakfast-table 



looked ill at ease, yet, with characteristic dissimulation, 
he ate heartily. What an effort it must have been ! I 
have quite recovered my health and spirits. Wore my 
green dress, and Joseph could not take his eyes off me. 
He was about to pay me some handsome compliment, 
when Mrs. S. asked him to pass her the beans. She said 
she once had a parrot whose colors matched mine exactly. 
The malicious bloomer ! I told her I once saw an organ- 
grinder with a dressed-up monkey, from whose costume 
I presumed she had copied hers. 

" Charity remained in her room, and Mr. Lovell had no 
appetite. The doctor was in high spirits. Everything, 
he said, was working so harmoniously. 

" At ten o'clock he assembled us in the oratory, and 
gave us a learned discourse on the prophets. He told us 
that after forty years' hard study of Revelations, and of 
Daniel's prophecy in relation to the four prophetic secular 
monarchies of the Gentiles, the Babylonian, Medo-Pcrsian, 
Grecian, and Roman, he had at last found the key by which 
the portals of these mysteries were to be unlocked ; that 
the explanation of the whole system was now clear to 
him, both in its application to the past, the present, and 
the future. From the incipient disintegration of the Ro- 
man Empire, the 1260 days foretold (which mean years) 
point clearly to the year 1866 as the beginning of the end 
of the Pope. The Napoleonic dynasty, being the seventh 
symbolical and the eighth apocabyptic head of the Ro- 
man Empire, will achieve universal dominion preparatory 
to its final overthrow. Louis Napoleon, being the true 
666, is the last Anti-Christ, and the final depository of 
Papal authority (for the Euphrates evidently means the 
Seine, — Paris, as we know, being the modern Babylon). 


He and Monsieur Eotlischild (who is typified, as the 
dullest understanding can see, by the golden candlestick 
with seven branches) are to lead the Jews back to Pales- 
tine, and annihilate the Turks, Mormons, Quakers, and 
all other heretics, on the field of Armageddon. 

" The crucial point of the scheme is the year 1866, 
when there will be a general cataclysm of nations, after 
which the Millenium will begin. From Eevelations, third 
chapter, he proves conclusively that the glorious period will 
be inaugurated at Foufouville ; for Laoclicea, being rich 
with gold, evidently stands for New York ; Philadelphia is 
mentioned by name, and Foufouville, being midway be- 
tween them, is clearly indicated under the symbolical 
name of Sarclis.* 

" Professor Malpest, who has doubtless passed a rest- 
less night, fell asleep during the discourse. 

" Mr. Lovell, strange to say, did the same. 

" Joseph, who dislikes sermons, because, as he says, 
they weary him, slipped away before the doctor began. 
While taking a walk, he found a kitten, to whose tail some 
mischievous youths had tied a tin cup, and who were 
amusing themselves by stoning it and otherwise maltreat- 
ing it. (Such is human nature !) Joseph took the unfor- 
tunate waif a^pay from them and presented it to me. What 
a kind heart he has ! Being a torn I named it Joe. 

" Afternoon. — One Mr. Longshanks, a friend of Mi'. 
Lovell's, arrived at noon. He is a fine-looking person 
and I should think a man of sensibility. I wonder if he 
is married. He and Lovell have been walking up and 

*This discourse was published some year3 afterwards in a New York 
newspaper, but, with the characteristic unscrupulousness of a piratical press, 
was not credited to t)r. Goodenough. — Note by the Author. 

88 the rniLOsornEiis of foufotjville. 

clown the garden for more than an hour, the latter appar- 
ently somewhat excited. What can be the matter? It is 
so close in my room that I will go and rest awhile in the 

"Evening. — As I was passing through the garden, 
I caught the following words. 

Lovell. — ' — Right arm be withered — have her — fair 
means or foul.' 

" Longshanks. — ' Keep cool, my boy ; keep cool. Look 
at me and see how cool I am. I'll have an interview with 
the old man, and perhaps may affect a change in his 
views. "What works did you say he had published? 
Studies on the generation of Utopians, and what else? 

•"Lovell. — 'No, no. You've got them mixed up. The 
New Uto — * 

"At this moment they entered the house so that I 
unfortunately heard no more." 



A Discussion between Dr. Goodenough and Mr. Longshanks. 

For the report of most of the following conversation 
we are indebted to Miss GritBn, and, as we know from 
other sources that it took place immediately after the inci- 
dents related at the conclusion of the last chapter, the 
inference is unavoidable, that, led by her inquiring mind 
and ardent desire to seek for the truth under all circum- 
stances, that young lady must have hastened from the 
garden up to her room, where, as we know, there were 
peculiar facilities for finding out what was going on in 
the doctor's study below. 

In order not to take up valuable space, we omit the 
preliminary words of mere politeness with which the dia- 
logue began, and which ended in Dr. Goodenough and 
Mr. Longshanks being seated opposite to each other. 

Longshanks. — "I have made this pilgrimage to Har- 
mony Hall, sir,- in the hope of being permitted before I die 
to enjoy for once the society of the author of those philan- 
thropical, those sublime, those immortal works, the de- 
light and solace of my life, the ' Generation of Offspring ' 
— I mean the — the — " 

Dr. Goodenough. — " The Regeneration of Man? " 

Long. — Yes, sir. That's it, 'The Regeneration of 
Man, ' and ' Studies on the Development of Healthy Uto- 
pians.' " 



Doctor. — " Offspring." 

Long. — "I mean ' Offspring,' sir. You sec I am some- 
what confused at finding myself in your presence for the 
first time. Man cannot gaze on the sun, and preserve an 
unruffled countenance. The great luminary is too much 
for him." 

Doctor. — "Stop, my good friend. Such language 
should not be used to a mortal. I am but an humble 
individual striving to benefit my fellow-man. If any 
thanks are due for the success of my efforts, give them 
not to me, but to the source of the inspiration that penned 
those works. I am gratified to hear that they have had 
so great an influence upon you. Thousands, na} T , millions 
are destined to be affected in the same way. I presume 
you contemplate joining our society at once ? " 

Long. — "I regret to acknowledge, sir, that just at 
present it is impossible for me to break the ties that bind 
me to the world, however great may be my desire to do 
so. It is to my friend Mr. Lovell (whose admiration of 
your works is equal to my own) that I am indebted for 
this happiness, the privilege of being here to-day. He is 
a superior young man." 

Doctor. — " Brother Leander is a worthy youth. His 
instincts are good, though I fear he is yet somewhat 
under the sway of his passions ; but I have given him 
some sage advice, and do not doubt that he will yet over- 
come them with the aid of reason." 

Long. — "He is honorably connected, has excellent 
principles, and is well educated." 

Doctor. — "I cannot agree with you on the latter point. 
Why, sir, he actually does not understand Greek ! " 

Long. — "Of what use is Greek, sir, to a man in busi- 


ness, — that is, — I mean, who expected to go into busi- 

Doctor. — " Sir, Latin and Greek are the foundation of 
all knowledge." 

Long. — " But are they worth the time and trouble it 
takes to acquire them ? What do you gain that is an ade- 
quate compensation for years spent in the study of dead 
languages ? " 

Doctor. — " The discipline of the mind." 

Long. — "'To discipline,' according to Dr. Johnson, 
means ' to educate, to regulate, to keep in order, to 
reform, to chastise.' Now, whichever of these words may 
be substituted for ' discipline ' in the above expression, it 
is evident that the effect — whatever it may be — is to be 
produced either by the application and labor necessary in 
learning these difficult languages, or else by reading the 
books that are written in them. As to the applica- 
tion and labor, as much, if not more, are required to mas- 
ter mathematics, and the natural sciences ; but if it is the 
study of a language, — of mere words without ideas, — 
that is wanted to produce this peculiar effect of ' disciplin- 
ing the mind,' we have modern languages, two of which, 
French and German, are considered nearly if not quite 
as difficult as Greek and Latin. 

"If this 'disciplining the mind,' — whatever it may 
mean, — is to be effected by reading the writings of antiq- 
uity, it may be done by means of the very excellent trans- 
lations that have appeared. It is true that a foreign 
phrase cannot always be given in English, word for word, 
and that certain idiomatic expressions may occasionally 
lose something of their force ; but in a good translation 
the spirit and ideas must remain essentially the same 


as in the original, and as the benefit to be gained is 
derived, not from the mere words, but from the ideas, it 
must remain the same, no matter in what tongue they are 

Doctor. — "You forget how much our pleasure is en- 
hanced by reading the thoughts of the great minds of for- 
mer times in their own language." 

Long. — "It would be a pleasure dearly purchased by 
years of preparatory study ; besides, if every one could 
read these works in the original, how few would have 
either the time or the inclination to do so ! or, if they had 
is it certain that their perusal would repay them ? " 

Doctor. — " Not repay them ? Herodotus, Plato, Pliny ! " 

Long. " All the historical works of the Greeks and 
Romans are filled with misrepresentation and supersti- 
tion. They frequently give long and tiresome harangues 
of ambassadors to ambassadors, or generals to their 
troops, which were never really spoken. Suppose Mr. 
Bancroft should write interminable disquisitions, and rep- 
resent them in his ' History of the United States ' as ora- 
tions delivered by General "Washington ; would his work 
be considered trustworthy? On the contrary, the very 
men who defend this fault in the ancient, would condemn 
it in the modern writer. 

" These old histories have other and more important 
defects ; and he who reads them for the sake of informa- 
tion becomes confused by the conflicting accounts of the 
same events, the exaggerations and the prodigies related as 
facts. He knows not what to believe, nor what to disbe- 
lieve, and finishes them with a feeling of dissatisfac- 
tion, if not of disgust. To become acquainted with 
ancient history, we must turn to the pages of Gibbon, Nie- 


buhr, Milnor, and others, men of research and discrimi- 
nation, who have studied and sifted the writings of antiq- 
uity, and, rejecting what is evidently false, reconciling the 
contradictions where it is possible to do so, and where it 
is not, adopting the most probable version, have given us 
works on which we can rely." 

The doctor's face assumed as strong an expression of 
contempt as was possible to appear on his benevolent 

Doctor. — " Perhaps, sir, you do not regard the philoso- 
phers of ancient times as sages ? " 

Long. — "The philosophers of antiquity have a high 
reputation among the admirers of the classics ; and those 
who have not read their writings doubtless imagine they 
were the prototypes of the philosophers of modern times. 
Excepting in regard to their mathematicians, there can 
be no greater error. They were sometimes men of virtuous 
lives, — according to the ideas of the age in which they 
lived, — and their discourses undoubtedly contain some 
words of true wisdom, — some beautiful and sublime 
thoughts ; but, for each grain of these, the reader must wade 
through an immense amount of chaff in the shape of long 
and wearisome disquisitions, usually in the form of dia- 
logues, full of hair-splitting differences of opinion on mat- 
ters sometimes utterly unfathomable by human wisdom, and 
sometimes easily solved, in this nineteenth century, with 
but a school-boy's knowledge. Macaulay says that ' all 
the metaphysical discoveries of all the philosophers, from 
the time of Socrates to the Northern invasion, are not to 
be compared in importance with those which have been 
made in England every fifty years since the time of Eliz- 
abeth.' John Adams says that after reading all these 

94 the rniLOsornERS of fovfovyille. 

metaphysical subtleties of the ancients we have ' learned 
nothing ; and economy of time requires that we should 
waste no more in so idle an amusement.' Says Jefferson, 
' When Plato puts into the mouth of Socrates such quib- 
bles on words and sophisms as a school-boy would be 
ashamed of, we may conclude they were the whimsies of 
his own foggy brain.' How puerile and nonsensical their 
rigmaroles appear, compared with the works of a Bacon, 
a Locke, or a Humboldt ! " 

Mr. Longshanks had evidently become excited with his 
subject. He rose to his feet, inadvertently kicking over 
his chair as he did so ; and, with one foot planted in his 
hat, whicb he had crushed on the floor, one arm akimbo, 
and gesticulating rapidly with the other, he continued his 
diatribe. As to the doctor, he was perfectly aghast, and 
sat with open mouth, and spectacles on top of his head, 
without proffering a word ; Uke the Aztecs, who, when the 
Spaniards were pulling down their favorite idols, were so 
taken by surprise at the audacious profanation, that they 
seemed as if transfixed with horror and astonishment, 
and could not move to their assistance. 
Mr. Longshanks continued, as follows, — 
" The best of the ethics of these long-winded old 
heathens can be found in fewer words and clearer lan- 
guage in the ten commandments. But if it is a waste of 
time to read their moral philosophy, even though it be 
correct, the same can hardly be said of their natural 
philosophy, for if one-half the information they give us 
in physical science is founded on fact, then the philoso- 
phers of modern times hold some very erroneous 
opinions, and the sooner they go through a course of 
Plato, Socrates, etc., the better. The wonders revealed 


by the telescope and microscope, and by chemical analy- 
sis, are insignificant when compared to some of the dis- 
coveries claimed by the sages of Greece. 

" The ' Timeus ' of Plato is looked upon by pedants as 
one of the most profound works ever written. Such is 
its profundity, that persons whose mental vision is limited 
by common sense are unable to see anything whatever in 
its muddy depths. In this learned effusion we are in- 
formed that there are just four elementary bodies, of 
which all other substances are formed, namely : air, earth, 
fire, and water ; and, moreover, that three of these ele- 
ments are composed of scalene triangles, and the fourth 
of isosceles triangles. 

" One Anaximenes taught that the heavens were a vault 
of solid crystal, in which the stars were inserted like 
nails. The sun, he said, was about the same size as the 
earth. But Anaxagoras looked upon Anaximenes with 
contempt, because he could prove that its diameter was 
no greater than that of the Peloponnesus ; while Herac- 
litus considered them both ignoramuses ; for, in his eyes, 
it was only as large as a house. Anaximander believed 
the moon to be on fire ; Empedocles, that it was as far 
from the earth as from the sun. One of these old wise- 
acres telis us that the earth is square and flat ; another, 
that it is shaped like a soup-plate ; and another that it has 
the exact form of a kettle-drum. Zeno says that it is the 
centre of the universe, and that the firmament revolves 
around it ; and this was the general opinion of the ancients. 

" Now, there once lived an English gentleman, named 
Newton, — Sir Isaac Newton, — who is considered pretty 
good authority on matters of natural science. And it was 
the belief of this Sir Isaac Newton that these ancient 

96 TIIE rniLOSOPUERS OF foufouvjlle. 

hypotheses were utterly false and absurd. The fact is 
that in those days people had but little correct informa- 
tion on physical matters. While they excelled in sculp- 
ture and architecture, and had made considerable progress 
in mathematics, and even in astronomy, notwithstanding 
some erroneous notions, their geographical knowledge was 
limited almost to the shores of the Mediterranean ; medi- 
cine was in its infancy (and perhaps is still) ; surgery was 
but a branch of butchery ; while chemistry, geology, and 
other kindred sciences were utterly unknown. Lord Bacon 
had not yet inculcated the principles of inductive science ; 
and the so-called philosophers of the time, instead of seeking 
to discover facts on which to found theories, began by 
fancying some whimsical hypothesis, which they pretended 
to prove by reasoning, more or less logical or illogical, or 
by a statement of facts which they found, not in Nature, 
but in their imaginations ; and it would seem that just in 
proportion as their imaginations were vivid, did their 
equally ignorant, but less imaginative followers look. up 
to them as sages, and regard them with veneration. 

" In the idle and ignorant population of Athens, these 
old rhapsodists easily found a few followers, as Jane 
Southcote, Mother Lee, Joe Smith, and other worthies 
have done in more recent times ; but they and their doc- 
trines were contemned by the more sensible of the people, 
at least we may infer that such was the case, from the 
writings of contemporary dramatists. 

" Aristophanes, in his farce of the ' Clouds,' treats some 
of the principal among them, and their teachings, with 
the most unmeasured ridicule and contempt, not only 
lavishing upon them such epithets as ' imbeciles,' and 
'charlatan vagabonds,' but directly accusing them of 


crimes against the morals of the people, and the religion 
and laws of the State. The admirable dialogue between 
impersonifications of justice and injustice is a biting crit- 
icism on the ethics of the philosophers. Now, if these 
gentlemen had been held in any estimation by the Athe- 
nian public, it is hardly credible that Aristophanes would 
have deliberately ventured to revile and ridicule them in 
so merciless a manner. We may, therefore, conclude that 
by all their contemporaries, excepting their immediate 
followers, they were looked upon in very much the same 
light as the crack-brained individual who, some years ago, 
was accustomed to hold forth from the steps of the city 
hall in New York, calling himself the Angel Gabriel. 

" It was not discovered that they were sages until they 
had become ancients. 

" One somewhat unorthodox modern writer, named 
Anthon, calls their notions ' a train of fanciful concep- 
tions, numbers, ideas, proportions, qualities, and element- 
ary forms, in which philosophers took refuge as the 
asylum of ignorance.' 

" In reading their absurdities, one is tempted to fancy 
that if the individual who asserted that the moon was 
made of green cheese, or old Mother Goose, who declared 
that the cow jumped over it, had been so fortunate as to 
have lived a few thousand years ago, they also might 
have set up for philosophers. 

"These old fellows appear. to have written their lucu- 
brations rather for the sake of displaying their rhetorical 
or argumentative powers, than for any useful purpose ; in 
fact, they constantly assert, in their works, that it is be- 
neath the dignity of philosophy to endeavor to alleviate 
the physical sufferings, or to add to the material comforts 


of life. The learned men — that is to say, the men of 
science — of modern times, write, and not only write, but 
study and labor in order to discover facts that may ben- 
efit their fellow-men ; and the classical scholar, who 
studies by gas-light, who travels by steam, who sends an 
important message by the electric telegraph, who under- 
goes a surgical operation, which, owing to the influence 
of chloroform, seems like a pleasing dream, or who has 
been saved from the small-pox by vaccination, is certainly 
unappreciative and ungrateful, if he does not acknowl- 
edge that the men to whom he owes these blessings have 
done more for his happiness, and are more deserving of 
admiration than all the stoic, epicurean, platonic, peri- 
patetic, laughing and crying philosophers that ever lived." 

Longshanks now paused to take breath. The doctor, 
who was still in a bewildered state of mind, could, only 
say, in an indignant tone, " Go on, sir, go on." 

So Mr. Longshanks went on. 

"Those who have not read the celebrated 'Natural 
History' of Pliny sometimes labor under the delusion 
that it is a standard work on this subject. Such is not 
the opinion of Monsieur Cuvier. 

" Some of the statements of Pliny are undoubtedly cor- 
rect, such as that a cow has horns, an ass ears, etc. ; but 
his work is chiefly filled with monstrous accounts of 
dragons, winged horses, the phoenix, basilisks, salaman- 
ders, mermaids, and fish that are connoisseurs of music. 
Cuvier, one of the most profound and exact naturalists 
that ever lived, and who gave the animal kingdom its 
present classification, treats the work of Pliny with the 
utmost contempt, calling its author ' a compiler devoid 
of genius, research, or discrimination, or any personal 


knowledge of the subject on which he wrote, who collected 
in a confused mass, mingling what was false with what 
was true, all the vulgar errors and superstitions of his 

" Should some future biographer draw a Plutarchian 
parallel between Pliny and Professor Agassiz, it would, 
doubtless, be like this : ' If these great men resembled 
each other in their lives, inasmuch as they both interested 
themselves in natural history, they differed in their man- 
ner of acquiring information. While the American sought 
for facts by direct observation and experiment, the Ko- 
man contented himself with noting down the silly super- 
stitions of an ignorant people. If the modern is correct 
as to his facts, and his theories are logical deductions 
from them, those of the ancient are unworthy of belief, 
and his speculations on them ridiculous. Lastly, if the 
writings of Agassiz are invaluable to the student, those 
of Pliny are as worthless and as incredible as the stories 
of Baron Munchausen.' " 

The doctor's indignation now became stronger than his 
astonishment. However, he choked down his rising 
wrath and with an effort at calmness, said, — 

"I am astonished ; such paradoxical sentiments I 
never heard expressed before. What is the world coming 
to ? Now, granting for the sake of argument that the 
ancient chroniclers are untrustworthy, the natural histori- 
ans given to the supernatural, the philosophers unphilo- 
sophical, what say you to the poets, dramatists, orators, 
etc., — are not their works worth reading ? 

Long. — "Many of them are, for some of them are 
among the finest ever written ; but most of them contain 
passages, or sentiments, so licentious and gross, that if 


found iii a modern book, they would cause it to be ban- 
ished from a respectable library. 

" The indiscriroinating admirers of the classics are 
generally pedants who have been educated in the idea 
that these works arc the perfection of human genius, and 
judging everything by its comparison with the ancient, 
every modern performance appears to them defective .just 
inasmuch as it differs from their false standard ; as the 
Hottentot, comparing the missionary's white wife with 
his own sable mistress, objects to her fair complexion, 
and clear blue eyes, and deems no article of her dress so 
becoming as the ring in his lad}''s nose. 

" These pedants sometimes have sufficient discernment 
to detect the real faults in a contemporary work, but 
their perverted judgment can see none in one written two 
thousand years ago. In every silly platitude or ridicu- 
lous error they fancy some occult meaning. As Thack- 
eray sarcastically observes, ' They would mention Pythag- 
oras' precept to abstain from beans, and say that he 
probably meant to insinuate thereby that wise men should 
abstain from public affairs ; ' or Dean Swift, — 

" ' As learned commontators view 
In Homer more than Homor knew.' 

" This propensity to admire the old, apparently only 
because old, at the expense of the new, has always pre- 
vailed. Even some of those whom we now regard as 
ancients complained of this as an injustice to themselves. 
Thus Horace, in his first epistle to Augustus, speaking 
of some poem written several centuries before his time, 
asks, ' Are verses like wine which time renders better ? ' 
And again, in the same letter, ' Is it reasonable that peo- 


pie should go into ecstasies over a long poem for a bril- 
liant word here and there, or a few verses that run 
smoothly ? ' 

" If what I have urged against ancient literature be 
false, and all the classics, unreliable historians, ignorant 
philosophers, immoral poets, and all deserved to be read, 
and it were worth while to learn Latin and Greek in 
order to read them, there would still remain an argument 
against the enforced study of these languages, which is 
wholly disconnected with the value, or worthlessness, of 
works written in them ; this is, that of all those who are 
obliged to spend so much time in poring over Latin 
• Grammars and Greek lexicons not one in a thousand 
acquires sufficient proficiency to read Latin and Greek 
with any fluency, or consequently any pleasure ; and of 
those, but a very small portion ever go through a course 
of classical reading, or, in fact, ever read one quarter of 
the standard works in their own language ; while, as to 
the great majority of students, they who cannot or will 
not become proficients in the dead languages, school and 
college days over, the classics are thrown aside forever, 
and the mass of words forced into unwilling minds, at the 
expense of so much time and trouble, are soon forgotten 
in the turmoil of business and society. Hence, whatever 
advantages there may be in knowing Latin and Greek, 
they are lost to them, and the years they were obliged to 
waste in endeavoring to learn them, and which might 
have been profitably employed, have been spent in vain." 

Longshanks' flood of words was apparently too much 
for the doctor. He appeared to be almost overcome, and 
made but feeble efforts to stem the torrent. 

Doctor. — "We sometimes meet learned foreigners 


who do not speak English, but understand the dead lan- 

Long. — " Sir, you might as well learn Hebrew in the 
hope of some day having a chat with the Wandering 

Doctor. — "Think how much a classical education 
adds to our appreciation of the beautiful, architectural, 
and sculptural remains of antiquity." 

Long. — "Think how much a kuowledge of French 
adds to our appreciation of Paris fashions, and how much 
speaking Chinese would improve the flavor of tea ! " 

Doctor. — "The study of Latin and Greek facilitates 
the acquisition of modern languages." 

Long. — " This is true ; but it is absurd to offer it as 
an argument for learning them. You might as well say 
that a man should learn to ride on an elephant that he 
might the more easily learn to ride on horseback." 

Doctor. — (With an air of triumph,) "The deriva- 
tion of words." 

Long. — "Many of our words are derived from Latin 
and Greek, and many more from French, German, etc. ; 
but none of these are original languages, and suppose 
they were, what of it? Of what advantage would it be 
to know the derivation of words ? " 

Doctor — " It would give us a clearer comprehension 
of our own tongue." 

Long. — "I think not, sir. While many words have 
the same meaning as their foreign or ancient derivatives, 
others have changed or modified their signification, and 
are still doing so, as any person who has read works 
written in English a few centuries, or even a century 
ago, must be aware. Now if a word conveys precisely 


the same idea in English as its derivative, it is impossible 
that a knowledge of the language of the latter can make 
its meaning any clearer to us ; while, if the derivative has 
a different sense, it is plain that an acquaintance with 
that fact must cause the English word to carry less pre- 
cision of signification to the mind, by confusing us with 
two ideas at once. We do not experience a double en- 
joyment by listening at the same time to two different 
pieces of music. 

" But supposing this was not so, and that understanding 
the dead languages was an advantage to us in English, 
would not this be a very trifling return to urge as a reason 
for giving up years to their study ? 

" To a lexicographer a knowledge of the derivation of 
words is essential, and the more he knows of Greek, 
Latin, Hebrew, Sanscrit, French, German, High Dutch, 
Low Dutch, Saxon, Norse, Danish, Persian, Chaldee, etc., 
etc., etc., the better. But we do not all intend to compile 
dictionaries ; and it may well be doubted, if, to those who 
do not, it would be of any more practical utility to have 
at their tongues' end the derivation of every word in the 
language, than when eating an apple-pie to know where 
the apples came from." 

The doctor sank back in his chair and actually gasped 
for breath. It was some minutes before he recovered 
from the shock his feelings had received. 

Doctor. — "The dead languages are a good basis to 
the various pursuits of life." 

Long. — " There are few pursuits to which such a basis 
is worth its expense. A four-story house may require a 
foundation fifteen or twenty feet in depth ; but a man 


would be a fool who built oue equally deep for his hen« 

" Among the professions in the study of which Latin 
and Greek arc supposed to be of the greatest service, are 
medicine and law; yet many physicians and lawyers 
have risen to eminence without them. It may, indeed, be 
asserted that classical learning would have been of some 
assistance to them ; but it can be said, on the other hand, 
that the time which, under other circumstances, they 
would have spent in acquiring it, was doubtless passed in 
gaining knowledge more directly useful. It is true there 
are some Latin and Greek words and phrases, that a 
physician or lawyer is obliged to understand ; but these 
are so few that they can easily be learned in studying the 
rudiments of his profession. To learn a whole language 
for the sake of a dozen words is no more reasonable than 
it would be to gather a whole orchard of apples to make 
the apple-pie just spoken of. 

" There will doubtless alwa}^s be found some persons to 
maintain that a knowledge of Latin and Greek is neces- 
sary in their particular avocations. Whether they be 
right or wrong, let them study these languages if they 
will ; let them become perfect Porsons if they can ; but 
because they think this learning useful to them, — a few, 
— is it right that its attempted acquisition should be 
made obligatory on everybody else ? It is no more just 
than it would be for the whole world of M. D.s, D.D.s, 
LL.D.s, and all to be forced to waste a portion of their 
lives in learning to turn back somersets or to walk on 
their heads, because they are accomplishments required 
in the calling of a clown. In fact, considering the little 
attention given to physical development in the United 


States, I think that these gymnastic performances might 
be substituted for the dead languages with great advan- 
tage, not only to the bodily but to the intellectual pro- 
gress of the rising generation. 

" Yet this supposition that Latin and Greek are of use 
in a few professions is one of the principal pretexts for 
making everybody study them. Would it not be wiser to 
confine the efforts of young scholars to the gaining of 
information useful to all, leaving it to those who think 
they will need these languages, the time, trouble, and ex- 
pense of learning them ? " 

A smile of complacent scorn passed over the doctor's 

"Happily, sir," said he, "your absurd notions are not 
shared in by others." 

Long. — " You are mistaken, sir. I have in my pocket 
a paper on education, by the Rev. Sidney Smith, and as 
his profession, his reputation, and his known moderation, 
learning, and ability add weight to his words, I will take 
the liberty of reading a few passages. He says, ' There 
never was a more complete instance in any country of 
such extravagant and overacted attachment to any branch 
of knowledge than that which obtains in England with 
regard to classical knowledge. . . . Now, this long career 
of classical study you may, if you please, denominate a 
foundation ; but it is a foundation so far above ground, 
that there is absolutely no room to put anything upon it. 
If you occupy a man with one thing till he is twenty-four 
years of age, you have exhausted all his leisure time. 
He is called into the world and compelled to act, or is 
surrounded with pleasures, and thinks and reads no more. 
If you have neglected to put other things into him, they 


will never get in afterwards. If you have fed him only 
with words, he will remain a narrow and limited being 
to the end of his existence. . . . When a young man 
has finished his education, the great system of facts 
with which he is most perfectly acquainted are the in- 
trigues of the heathen gods, . . . talents for speculation 
[speculation, so useful to an American], and original in- 
quiry he has none, nor has he formed the invaluable habit 
of tracing things up to their first principles, or of collect- 
ing dry and unamusing facts as the materials of reason- 
ing. ... A classical scholar is a man principally ac- 
quainted with the works of the imagination ; ... all the 
solid and masculine parts of his. understanding are left 
wholly without cultivation.' Speaking of classical ped- 
ants, he says, ' Their minds have been so completely pos- 
sessed by exaggerated notions of classical learning, that 
they have not been able, in the great school of the world, 
to form any other notion of real greatness ; . . . their ob- 
ject in life is not to reason, imagine, or invent, but to 
conjugate, decline, and derive. . . . The English clergy, 
in whose hands education chiefly rests, bring up the first 
young men in the country as if they were all to keep 
grammar schools. . . . An infinite quantity of talent is 
thus annually destroyed in the universities. ... In those 
who were destined for the church, we would undoubtedly 
encourage classical learning more than in any other body 
of men ; but if we had to do with a young man going out 
into public life, we would exhort him to contemn, or at 
least not to affect, the reputation of a great scholar. He 
should learn what the constitution of his country was, 
how it had grown into its present state, the perils that 
had threatened it, the malignity that had attacked it, the 


courage that had fought for it, the wisdom that had made 
it great.' Sidney Smith wrote only for England ; but if 
this excessive devotion to classical studies is uncalled for 
there, where so large a portion of those who go through 
it are born to hereditary fortunes, and are consequently 
at leisure to pass their lives in the cultivation of liter- 
ary tastes, or in doing nothing, how much more useless 
must it be in America, where so few can afford to be 

" The majority of men in the United States are engaged 
in mercantile or agricultural pursuits. Now, granting 
that a knowledge of the dead languages may be of some 
assistance in two or three professions, will any one assert 
that they can be of as much use to a merchant or farmer 
as the modern languages to the former or the natural 
sciences to the latter ? 

" Thomas Jefferson, — a man of wealth, of classical learn- 
ing, and an admirer of the best writings of antiquity, 
who lived while the paramount utility of classical studies 
was still unquestioned, before science had perfected the 
steam-engine, the electric telegraph been thought of, or 
Liebig published his researches in agricultural chemistry, 
— when asked his opinion as to the study of Latin and 
Greek, spoke doubtingly in its favor, adding, ' For the 
merchant, I should not say those languages are a necessity ; 
ethics, mathematics, geography, political economy, his- 
tory, seem to constitute the immediate foundations of 
his calling ; the agriculturist needs ethics, mathematics, 
chemistry, and natural philosophy.' But there is no hesi- 
tation in his mind when speaking of French. ' The French 
language,' he says, ' become that of the general inter- 
course of nations, and, from their extraordinary advances, 


now the depository of all science, is an indispensable part 
of the education of both sexes.' 

" He gave a practical illustration of the comparative 
value he placed on different branches of study by the 
course he proposed should be pursued at the University 
of Virginia. The students being supposed to have re- 
ceived an elementary education, only a part of the first 
year was to be given to languages ; the rest of that year, 
and the whole of the two following ones were to be devoted 
to mathematics and scientific studies, particularly chemis- 
try, gcolog}^, botany, and mineralogy ; ' but the students 
were not to be all held to one prescribed course of study. 
Elementary qualification only was required in general 
knowledge, while they were at liberty to apply themselves 
more exclusively to those branches which were to qualify 
them for the particular vocations to which they were des- 

" Now, if these studies were worthy of the high compara- 
tive position thus assigned them fifty or sixty years ago, 
of how much greater importance must they be -at the 
present time, when such advances have been made in all 
of them? 

" It is not to the men of classical learning, but to the 
men of science that we are indebted for nearly all the 
comforts of civilized life. The mere classical scholar may 
possibly be an ornamental, but he certainly is not a useful, 
member of society. A Davy, a Watts, a Fulton, a 
Franklin, the inventor of a reaping or sewing machine, 
a steam plough, or a method of lessening the cost of 
cotton, iron, or any other commodity, contributes more to 
the happiness of mankind than all the Porsons, Bentleys, 
Ileynes, or Mczzofantis that ever lived. 


" Few discoverers or inventors have been men of classical 
attainments. If they had been, it is possible that many 
of them would have frittered away their lives in weighing 
the value of Greek particles, in hunting for ' anapaests in 
the wrong place,' or in muddling their brains with the 
' Sylburgian method of arranging defectives ; ' civilization 
would be fifty years behindhand ; it would take a week to 
go from New York to Albany ; our Brussels carpets (if 
we had any) would be soiled by grease spots from our 
tallow candles ; vanity of love would pay a hundred dollars 
for a portrait, or go without it, instead of getting a pho- 
tograph (which is better) for fifty cents ; our matchless 
city press would be confined to a single newspaper about 
the size of the ' Foufouville Gazette,' but costing four 
times as much ; and land would not be worth as many 
hundreds as it is now worth thousands of dollars." 

Longshanks again paused. He evidently thought (to 
use a metaphorical expression) that he had laid the doc- 
tor out flat, but he found that the old gentleman was not 
to be put down so easily. 

Doctor. — " Let natural philosophy, botany, astronomy, 
chemistry (organic, inorganic, analytic, and synthetic) ; 
agriculture, horticulture, arboriculture, and all the other 
cultures ; mineralogy, geology, physiology, conchology, 
paleontology, ichthyology, ornithology, zoology, and all 
the other ologies ; geography, photography, topography, 
and all the other ographies ; optics, acoustics, mathemat- 
ics, — the whole course ; — arithmetic, algebi'a, geometry, 
ditto, descriptive and anatytic ; mensuration of surfaces 
and solids ; equations of the point and straight lines ; conic 
sections ; line and plane in space ; general equation of the 
second degree ; surfaces of the second order ; spherical 


projections (particularly useful to military men) ; trigo- 
nometry, plane and spherical ; the calculus, differential 
and integral; surveying; plane, geodesic, trigonometric, 
and maritime ; mechanics ; hydraulics ; lights and shadows ; 
perspective, linear and angular; engineering ; theodolites ; 
transits; protractors; prismatic compasses ; circumferen- 
tcrs ; logarithms ; sines and tangents ; traverse tables, 
plane tables, and puzzling tables, — let them all be studied, 
with French, German, and Spanish, too ; but why give up 
Latin and Greek ? Why not learn them also ? " 

This fearful volley of words staggered Longshanks. 
He dropped into his chair, and his battery was silenced 
for the space of a full minute. lie muttered to himself 
"the life of man is but threescore and ten years." Then 
he spoke aloud. 

Long. — " There can be no Admirable Crichtons, no 
men of universal knowledge in this nineteenth century ; 
life is too short, and memory too limited ; a selection 
must be made, and since some attainments have to be 
rejected, would it not be wisest to let them be such as 
are of no practical utility, confining our attention to 
those that will be most likely to aid us on our way 
through the world ? " 

Doctor. — "Sir, I would not permit a daughter of 
mine to learn French ; there are too many vil£ books 
published in that language." 

Loxg. — "Then, sir, for the same reason, you should 
not teach her to read English, and still less, Greek and 
Latin. Sir, every advantage that can truthfully be urged 
in favor of the study of dead languages applies also to 
modern ones ; while a knowledge of the latter is attended 


by many benefits, to which no one can pretend that the 
former have any claim. 

" If understanding the former enables us more easily 
to learn the latter, the converse of the proposition is also 
true ; that understanding the latter enables us more easily 
to learn the former ; and if both are worth acquiring it is 
surely best to begin with the most useful ones. 

"If we sometimes meet with a Greek or Latin phrase 
that it would be well to understand, for every such phrase 
we see whole books in French, German, Spanish, or Ital- 
ian, that it would be well to read. 

" The pitiful argument of satisfying vanity, applies to 
the one as well as to the other. 

" But the great and most important advantage that a 
modern language has over an ancient one is the fact that 
it is spoken by existing nations, and may be of service 
not merely as an amusement for idle hours, but also in the 
professional or business relations of life. We constantly 
meet Europeans who do not understand English, and we 
are deprived of a pleasure, and perhaps of a profit, when 
we cannot converse with them ; but there is no danger 
that we will ever meet with an ancient Greek or Roman 
(unless through the agency of a spiritual medium, and as 
ghosts, the whole of them, Caesar, Pompey, Homer, and 
all speak English, more or less grammatically). When I 
hear a man boast of being a good Greek and Latin scholar 
I cannot help thinking as of a good billiard-player, ' Alas ! 
how much time he must have wasted.' 

" For more than a thousand years they have been dead 
languages, doctors of law have thoroughly dissected them, 
is it not time that they were buried in oblivion?" 

During the latter part of Longshanks' diatribe the doc- 


tor's wrath rod indignation were gradually getting the 
upper hand of him. He endeavored to maintain his 
equanimity, and grew red in the face from his efforts 
to do so ; but when Loiig.shanks had the audacity to pro- 
pose to bury in oblivion the languages of Homer and 
Horace he could no longer restrain his anger. Jumping 
up, in a high state of excitement, he exclaimed, — 

" Stop, sir. I will listen to no more. Patience has 
ceased to be a virtue. I did not suppose that such igno- 
rance, conceit, and folly, existed in the world. Sir, you 
arc a — a — but pardon me, pardon me. I am forgetting 

Long. — " Pardon me, sir. It is I who have forgotten 
mj'sclf, or rather who forgot you. In the heat of argu- 
ment I became oblivious of the fact that I was in the pres- 
ence of the author of that sublime work, ' Studies on the 
Regen— '" 

Doctor — "No more compliments if j'ou please, sir, 
for as the eloquent Tusculan says, ' Quanquam ista assen- 
tatio, quamvis perniciosa sit, nocere tamen nemini potest, 
nisi ei, qui earn recipit atque in ea delectatur.' " 

Long. — "I do not quite comprehend all that, sir, for I 
do not speak Greek." 

Doctor. — " You see now what you have lost by not 
devoting three or four years to the study of dead lan- 
guages. Allow me to present you with this copy of the 
New Utopia. I hope you will read it with more attention 
than you seem to have given to my other works. You 
will find that its perusal will strengthen your powers of 
reason, and enlarge your views considerably." 

Long. — "Accept my thanks, sir, for this invaluable 
work. I am impatient to begin the study of its sublime 


truths, for, as the sage of Geneva says, ' II y a tant de 
contradictions entre les droits de la Nature et nos lois 
sociales, que pour les concilier il faut gauchir et tergiv- 
erser sans cesse.' " 

Doctor. — " What language is that ? " 

Long. — " French." 

Doctor. — "French! Don't talk French to me, sir. 
The French are all infidels. What do they know about 
social philosophy, or anything else ? Listen to the words 
of Socrates — " 

Long. — " Socrates be hanged, sir. Socrates was a fool 
compared to Voltaire or Rousseau." 

Doctor. — (Stamping his foot with rage.) "Leave 
these premises, sir. You will contaminate this peaceful, 
God-fearing community. Awajr, sir — away." 

Long. — "I go, sir. And here (flinging the New Uto- 
pia on the floor) take your confounded Utopian nonscnsej' 

So Mr. Longshanks went out, slamming the door, and 
leaving the doctor striding up and down the floor in a 
state of violent agitation. Longshanks found Leander 
waiting for him in the hall, and also much agitated, for 
having heard loud words between the two gentlemen, and 
naturally supposing himself to be the object of them, he 
was in much perturbation of mind as to the result of the 
interview. So the moment he saw Longshanks emerge 
from the study, he rushed up to him and grasping his 
hand, anxiously inquired if " it was happily settled?" 

"What, Len, what?" asked Longshanks, who was still 
rather bewildered after his violent altercation with the 

" ' What ! ' you ask me ' what ' ! " said poor Leander. 

" Oh ! Ah ! Your scrape with Miss Goodenough — well 


— well — yes — no — now I remember. No, I cannot 
exactly say that we did arrange the matter — that is to 
say — not definitely." 

" Tell me what was clone," said Leandcr. " Why do you 
keep me in suspense ? What did the doctor propose ? " 

" Nothing." 

" Nothing ! " 

" My poor Lenny," said Longshanks, the truth is, he 
got me on the subject of dead languages, my bete noir; 
and being pretty well primed, for I delivered an oration 
thereon last week before the ' Young • Men's Debating 
Club ' of Mackerelville, I floored him easily, but as ill-luck 
would have it, I became excited in the heat of discussion 
by the old gentleman's absurd arguments, and entirely for- 
got wdiat I went in for, — never thought of }'ou or your 
affair, — 'pon honor, but wasted an hour in trying to con- 
vince the doctor that he was a regular old fool, and got 
kicked out of his office for my pains." 

Leander ran his hands through his hair, though he did 
not pluck any out by the roots, as some despairing lovers 
are said to have done. 

" What can I do? What can I do?" said he. 

" Cut the whole crew," answered Longshanks, " and 
come back with me to Wall Street." 

" Leave her," cried Lovell ; " never while life endures. 
And do you, my friend, intend to desert me at this mo- 

" Now just be reasonable," answered Longshanks, 
" I can be of no use to you here, with her father exas- 
perated against me ; and, even were it otherwise, our 
business makes it imperative on me to be in town to-mor- 


row morning, so I must take myself off as soon as possi- 

Longshanks left ; and Leancler, hoping to find relief 
from the thoughts that oppressed him, in bodily exertion, 
went to work in the melon-patch ; but he soon became 
wearied, and sitting down on a stone,' like Marius on the 
ruins of Carthage, or Achilles mourning for Briseis, sat 
ruminating on his blasted hopes until the shades of night 
had fallen. 



A Convention of the Female Mights Association. 

" By Venus I the republic will henceforth be happy." 

Aristophanes, in " The Assembly of Wojnen." 

The seventeenth annual convention of the Female 
Eights Association was held about this time ; and, as some 
of the Harmonians figured therein, an account of what 
took place may expose some of the causes that brought 
about the unfortunate termination of the philanthropical 
experiment at Harmony Hall, which, as we have seen, 
began so auspiciously. "We will, therefore, compile from 
the newspapers of the day a report of the proceedings, 
conforming as much as possible to the language of our 
authorities, but omitting whatever may be irrelevant to 
the object we have in view. 


Dr. Mary Mott called the meeting to order, and pro- 
posed as chairman that noble champion of right, that sin- 
cere friend to woman, Professor Nicholas Malpest. 

This gentleman, whose lectures on reform have been 
listened to by hundreds of admiring auditors throughout 
the rural districts, would doubtless have been chosen 
without opposition, had it not been for a Miss Griffin, 
who rose in an excited manner and objected to a man 


being called upon to preside over an assembly composed 
principally of the opposite sex. 

"When," said she, "has a woman (though men sneer 
at her fondness for talking) ever been chosen Speaker of 
the House of Representatives ? When was any woman 
ever admitted into any of our legislative halls, excepting 
as a mere spectator, to listen to interminable arguments 
on dry political or financial questions, any of which she 
could answer without thought? [Cries of ' Hear, hear ! '] 
Is it because woman is inferior to man? Is it because 
she has nothing to say for herself? [Indignant shouts of 
' No, NO ! '] There is no reason ; and until men vote for 
women, I shall vote for no man." [Cries of " Good, 
good ! " and great applause.] 

Professor Malpcst now rose, and stated that his name 
had been proposed without his sanction, and much to his 
surprise [Ironical cries of " Oh, Oh ! " from the gallery], 
and that he would gladly waive any claims he might have 
to the honor sought to be conferred upon him in conse- 
quence of his humble though arduous efforts in the glo- 
rious cause of woman, and he begged to propose, as a 
fitting candidate for the high position of chairman, that 
ornament to her sex, Mrs. Elizabeth Strongitharm. 

Mrs. Strongitharm was elected by acclamation, although 
there was one dissentient voice, supposed to have been 
Miss Griffin's, as she was heard to say she " would rather 
have a man." 

The meeting being organized, Miss. Lucy Blackball, 
perpetual secretary to the association, proceeded to read 
some of the letters of excuse. 

The first one read was from that well-known hu- 


nianitarian, Dr. Jonathan Goodenough. It was as fol- 
lows, — 

" Focfoutille, 14th 2d Mo., A. II. 1. 

"Respected Madam and Sister in Progress, — The 
engrossing duties attendant on the happy realization of 
my grand scheme of human regeneration, in preparing for 
the influx of the coming multitudes of rejoicing Utopians, 
will prevent me from taking part in the convention. 

11 1 regret this the more, as I had contemplated deliver- 
ing a discourse which would have conclusively demon- 
strated to all nations the advisability of at once estab- 
lishing phalansteries in every part of the globe. \ 

" Accept for the Association, with my best wishes for 
its success, the accompanying copies of my works, and 
believe me, 

" Respectfully, 

" Your brother in progress, 
" J. Goodenough." 

The following were then read in order, — 

"Wall Stkeet, May 1st. 

"Mr. Richard Longshanks regrets that previous engage- 
ments will prevent him from accepting the polite invitation 
to be present at the convention of the F. R. A., trans- 
mitted to him by the kindness of Miss Griffin. 

" Whatever airs of superiority may be arrogated to 
themselves by other men, Mr. Longshanks begs to 
assure the ladies that he will ever acknowledge himself 
their slave. Woman shall ever be his mistress." 


" Lebanon, May 2d, 1850. 

"Madam, — I respectfully decline further attendance 
at the meetings of the F. R. A., and beg to withdraw my 
name from the list of members ; my views in regard to the 
objects sought to be obtained having undergone a mate- 
rial change. 

" Yours, sincerely, 

" Mary Ann Ketctium. 

" P. S. It will doubtless afford you great gratification 
to be informed that I have decided to change my condi- 
tion, considering it a duty that every woman owes, not 
only to the present generation but to those yet unborn, 
and have therefore accepted — after mature deliberation 
— the honorable offer of Mr. John Shaker. 

"M. A. K." 

This letter called forth much animadversion, and sev- 
eral ladies, among whom Miss Griffin and Miss Crane 
were conspicuous, became quite excited and insisted that 
it be publicly burnt and the writer expelled from the 
Association. After considerable discussion the subject 
was dropped, as most of the gentleman seemed quite in- 
different to it. 

The secretary then favored the audience with this elo- 
quent and characteristic epistle from Ralpho Bunsby, Esq. 

Boston, April 29th, 1850. 

" ' Non facio.' — The finite and the infinite are incom- 
mensurable. It is predicable that man's-battle cry is 
' Tally-ho ! — Such is the physiological sequence of woman's 

120 THE PniLOSOPnERH OF foufouville. 

alliciency. Who shall solve the social problem? Society 
cannot be crystallized. It is too carbonic. What is the 
man of society ? A sham. All barber and tailot. What 
is the woman of society? A sham. All is artificial. I 
prefer woman in a state of nature. Know thyself. So be 
it; So let it be. What is the soul? Read Homer ; read 
Plato ; read Aristotle ; read Dante. Such is the prima 
philo8qphia. The Platonic is the poetic tendency. "lis 
quite certain that Brigham Young is a Platonist. Is not his 
sj^stem corporeally spiritual ? Bacon and Locke were true 
poets. So were Arkwright and Watts. Poets of the 
cotton-loom, and steam engines. But the word cannot be 
applied to Byron and Moore. Shakespeare was received 
with apathy, which demonstates the elevation of the Brit- 
ish intellect in the sixteenth century, as I have observed 
in my ' Bovine Traits.' 

" Whoever requires facts on which to base an argument 
is wanting in the poetic faculty, — in ideality. Woman 
is an idealist. Hence she is superior to man. Yet she 
cannot exist without him, nor he without her. Without 
him, she would be a human Sahara, — a barren waste. 
Without her, his entity would become intangible. United 
they make one, and then proceed to make many. The 
vacuist vainly strives to vaticinate futurity. The epoptca 
of the mystic Eleusinia of Nature are not cis-Styxian. 
Psycho-Pompos can alone initiate us. The age is full of 
nonsense. I want common sense. 

" R. B." 

Mr. Peewit rose and begged to inquire what Mr. Bunsby 
The chairman requested the gentlemen to take his seat. 


Several persons desired to know whether or not Mr. 
Bunsby was coming. 

The chairman asked if the letter itself was not suffi- 
ciently explicit, and said that she " had never heard a 
more lucid and philosophical discourse from the pen of 
that profound thinker." 

The secretary, with a look of contempt at the inquirers, 
offered to read the letter again ; but somebody having 
stated that it was clear Mr. Bunsby was coming, the prop- 
osition was unanimously voted down. 

The subjoined communication from the President of 
the United States was now listened to with marked atten- 


"White House, May 1, 1850. 

"Madam, — I have had the honor to receive your 
polite invitation to attend the seventeenth annual conven- 
tion of the F. R. A., for the purpose of considering the 
best method of obtaining those social, political, and relig- 
ious reforms, that are demanded by the enlightenment and 
progress of the nineteenth century. 

"Although deeply sympathizing — as every patriot 
must — with all movements that tend to increase the 
honor and welfare of our beloved country, I am neverthe- 
less constrained to express ray regret that the heavy pres- 
sure of public duties will deprive me of the pleasure of 
assisting at the convention of the F. R. A. 

" I have the honor to be, madam, 
« Veiy respectfully 

"Yourob't serv't." 


fThc original of the above lies before us. The signa- 
ture has been cut out by some enthusiastic autograph 

On motion of Miss Griffin, seconded by Miss Crane, it 

" Resolved, That a vote of thanks be presented to the 
President for the sympathy, and elevation of character 
displayed in his letter." 

Next came an epistle from the lion. "Win. H. Steward ; 
but as it covered twenty-four pages of letter-paper we 
cannot afford space for it. 

This was followed by a letter from that rising states- 
man, the Hon. A. J. Jones. 


" Albany, April 29, 1850. 
" Madam, — " It is with heartfelt regret, that I find 
myself obliged to forego the honor and pleasure of attend- 
ing the next caucus of the F. R. A., in consequence of 
important political business that requires my personal atten- 
tion in this district. The election comes off next week. 
My friends are sanguine of my success, though it will, 
doubtless, be a close contest. Nothing but a profound 
sense of duty to the country would induce me to deprive 
myself of the inestimable privilege of listening to the 
discussion of those wrongs under which woman labors. 
But, if she cannot vote, she can at least direct the votes 
of others, and I trust that every member of the associa- 
tion will exert her influence in favor of that candidate 
>vho may appear to her most deserving. 
"I am, etc. 

" Andrew Jackson Jones." 


On motion of Mrs. Allbone, it was 

" Resolved, That in consideration of his self-sacrificing 
patriotism, the Hon. A. J. Jones deserves well of the 

The secretary then read the following, — 

" Athens, N.Y., May 1, 1850. 
" Dear Madam, — " Since I was last with you, a year 
ago, Divine Providence has at last blessed my long union 
with Mr. Doolittle, and I have become the happy mother 
of twins. I cannot conscientiously take upon myself the 
serious responsibility of neglecting maternal duties by 
attending the future meetings of the Association. My 
doing so was always contrary to the wish of my respected 

" Yours in progress, 

" Victoria Doolittle." 

Mr. Peewit jumped up and offered a resolution declar- 
ing that Mrs. Doolittle " deserves well of the country," 
but the chairman sternly called the gentleman to order, 
and he subsided. 

Miss Griffin proposed to amend the resolution by ad- 
ding to it the name of Mr. Doolittle. 

This was loudly seconded by all the gentlemen present ; 
and in spite of the opposition of Miss Crane and Mrs. 
Allbone, as well as of the chairman, who seemed to 
think the proceeding in some respects irregular, the reso- 
lution, as amended, was carried. 

The reading of the letters having been finished the con- 
vention proceeded to business. 

Upon motion of Miss Blackball, it was 


" Resolved, That tbc statement in the preamble to the 
Declaration of Independence, ' that all men are created 
free and equal,' in omitting to mention woman, is a dis- 
grace to the American Eagle, and an insult to the Genius 
of the Nineteenth Century." 

Mrs. Allbonc offered the following, which was adopted. 

" iVliereas, According to that atrocious instrument, 
the Constitution of the United States, woman is denied 
her just coequal right with man in framing those laws 
that are applicable to both sexes alike ; therefore, 

" Resolved, That a petition be presented to the Presi- 
dent to so amend the Constitution that the franchise be 
secured, upon equal terms, to both sexes." 

Mr. Peewit expressed some doubts as to the power of 
the president in the premises, but the chairman promptly 
put him down. 

In supporting the resolution Miss Griffin said that " the 
ballot to woman means self-protection. To the daughter, 
it means diversified employment and speedy marriage ; to 
the wife, the control of her own person ; to the mother, 
an equal right with man to children. 

" The present state of society is radically false. There 
is not enough sympathy between man and woman. This 
is partly owing to our defective educational system. The 
sexes should be brought up together. They would thus 
enter sooner into each other's feelings. 

"It is time for us to cease being nothing more than 
house-keepers and nurses. Woman should insist on an 
equal partition in all the duties of man, while he partici- 
pates in hers. 

" Why are our textile fabrics so tasteless? Because 
there are no desi^nins; women. 


"Why are our shops attended only by the male sex? 
Because the men don't want their wives to sell them- 

"Why is our country so backward? Because woman 
does not put herself sufficiently forward. 

"Why does our decennial census show such a meagre 
advance ? Because woman is not free to act as she would. 

" Why should the forum, the pulpit, the bar, the bench, 
be monopolized by man, to the exclusion of woman ? It 
is said she cannot bear the close labor ; but what woman 
ever objected to being confined ? 

" Shall we continue to endure such injustice? I hear 
on all sides the indignant « No.' Man has too long had 
his own way. It is time for woman to arise and strike 
for her proper position. Where would man be without 
her? (Cries of, ' Hear ! Hear ! ') He would be nowhere. 
She is his greatest want. Without her he is an incom- 
plete being, — a mere chrysalis. Why, then, in this so- 
called free country, is she denied the right of suffrage? 
What is her fault ? She is found guilty, not of a crime, 
but of a sex. She does not want reason, intelligence, or 
virtue, but she wants — whiskers." 

The eloquent speaker sat down, amidst cheers and some 
laughter from the galleries. 

The chairman directed the sergeant-at-arms, Mrs. All- 
bone, to turn the laughers out of the room, if their con- 
duct was repeated. 

The chairman now introduced the Rev. Scipio Africanus 
of South Carolina, who had just arrived by the under- 
ground railwa3 r . He spoke as follows, — 

Mrs. Chairman, beloved brothers and sisters, — 

"Firstly. Why is the black man no' 'lowed to vote? 

126 the rniLOsopnEns of foufouville. 

That's the question, as Ilamblet says. If this is a white 
man's country, why did they tote us culled persons into 
it? Ha ! I pause for a reply. It was no fair. They say 
we got no soul ; no go to Heaven whar the angels all 
clothe in white. How then they raise all the cotton thai 
for dress all the angels in white, if no culled man thar? 

" Secondly. They call America a free country. Then, 
I ask, whar is America? whar is that land of freedom? 
The Honorable Andrew Jackson Jones, I heerd him say 
it was bounded on the norf by the Norf Pole, and on the 
souf by the Souf Pole, and thar was a liberty pole stuck 
up in the middle, on which was perched the American 
Eagle with the cap of liberty on his head, the thunder 
and lightning in his claws, and the rejoicin' nations was a 
playing on the banjo and dancin' the Virginny reel around 
it. But whar is that land of freedom, wdiar nobody work 
no more? I can't find it. It isn't whar we 'uns live. It 
don't seem to be where 3 r ou 'uns live. 

" Thirdly. What does the blessed Saint Paul sa}-? 
' Pay unto Crcsar all that is Csesar's.' But they don't do 
it. They make Csesar, and Pompey, and Cuffee, and all 
on 'em work free, gratis, for nuffin. But the da}' of Jubi- 
lee is comin', when the culled gentleman work no more. 
When he hang up the shovel and the bow forever. Gloty, 
Hallelujah ! 

" Fourthly. The good Book says, ' By the sweat of 
3*our brow shall you get your livin' ; ' but the black man 
down souf, he get no sort of livin at all by the sweat of 
his brow. It sa} T , ' Do unto others as j-ou would have 
others do unto you.' If the white folks down thai- do that, 
they must have very peculiar tastes ; for they give the 


poor laborer nuffin' but a little pone and bacon, and old 
clo' for the sweat of bis brow. But tbe day of Jubilee 
will come. Then the Lord, sittin' on the Judgment Seat, 
will say to the massa, 'You jes pay Scipio six bits a day 
for his time, or St. Peter no let you in.' Then massa 
mighty skeered, will whisper, ' O Lord, my money all 
spent in New Oiieens. Then the Lord will open his mouf 
and say, ' You go to cle Debbil.' Ya ! Ya ! Glory, Hal- 
lelujah ! " 

Brother Scipio Africanus continued on to sixteenthly, 
by which time he had worked himself into a furious state 
of excitement, when the chairman informed him that his 
hour was up. 

His proposition to pass around his hat was disallowed. 


The proceedings were opened with a mystical, transcen- 
dental farrago of long words, called a poem on the Mil- 
lenium, by Miss Lillie Emerson. The idea involved in it 
(if there was any) might perhaps have been found out 
with the aid of a dictionary. The following four lines 
were the only ones comprehensible to ordinary under- 
standing, — 

" There is a joyful time at hand 
When love alone shall rule the land, 
When all men shall embrace as brothers, 
Women true sisters be, and mothers." 

The secretary then stated to the audience that she had 
received a document which exhibited a state of affairs 


truly pitiable, and calculated to awaken the sympathies 
of every true woman. She then read the following, — 


" This township contains a population of two thousand 
males and three thousand females, yet notwithstanding 
this alarming deficiency of the stronger sex, our young 
men are constantly emigrating to the distant "West, there 
to lead lives of toil and celibacy, doing nothing for their 

" Although personally quite indifferent to the matter, 
we hereby protest, in the name of humanity, against this 
wholesale deportation of mankind, and declare that if it 
continue we will emigrate in a body to Utah, where we 
will stand some chance of being appreciated. 

" It is a matter of vital interest to the future prospects 
of our town, the injury being not merely temporary, but 
one that will entail loss on generations yet to come. 

" Man is becoming too materialistic. He thinks if he 
cultivates his fields he is relieved from the obligation of 
cultivating the affections of a wife and family. 

" Your petitioners therefore pray that some means may 
be devised whereby this continued exodus of able-bodied 
young men may be checked, being convinced that such 
action Avill add greatly to the happiness and contentment 
of your petitioners, as well as of thousands of their suf- 
fering sisters, for they feel themselves fully capable, and 
are in fact anxious, to fulfil all the duties required of 
them by societj'-, but are unable to do so by themselves 


" And your petitioners will ever pray, etc. 

"Miss Ariadne Lorne, 
" Betsey Jane Willing, 
" Kate Krauss, 
'* Aurora Roe, 
" Mart Lillywhite, 
'* Desire Mann, 
" Seraphina Bell, 
" Polly Darling, 
" Margaret McCoy, 
" Olivia Blossom, 
" Priscilla Prim, 
" Susan A. Roseinblum. 
The petition was ordered to be put on file. 
Dr. Mary Mott then addressed the convention. She 
said it was a melancholy fact that there was an alarming 
decrease in the number of marriages. Yet this was not 
the fault of woman. She was ever ready to do her part ; 
she had never shrunk from the performance of the duties 
imposed upon her by her being. She had been accused 
of extravagance, but she (Dr. Mott) indignantly denied 
the aspersion on behalf of her outraged sex. Does 
woman spend millions annually for vile cigars, for cham- 
pagne, for whiskey? Does she waste her time loitering 
in clubs and bar-rooms ? Does she spend her pin money 
in those abominable — 

Here a gentleman in the audience called the speaker to 
order and desired to know what was before the house. 

The chairman stated that the question was what action 
should be taken on the petition just read. 

This brought a Dr. Bernhard to his feet. He was a stout, 
burly-looking individual, and spoke with much vehemence 

130 the pniLosornEiis of foufouville. 

of manner. lie said that the petition of the hapless 
young women of Mansfield moved him greatly. He felt 
his indignation rising within him. It was man's duty to 
double himself four times. 

Me. Peewit. — "Like the india-rubber man?" 
ChaxbhaVi — " The gentleman will not interrupt." 
The doctor, without heeding the interrogation, said, 
that the deplorable case to which the attention of this 
convention had just been called showed that the means 
were at hand, but owing to our unnatural social laws 
could not be brought into action. What would we think 
of a general who needed all his forces in front, and yet 
held a large portion of them in reserve, doing nothing? 
When an army longing to be engaged in active operations 
is set to work digging ditches and entrenchments, the men 
lose strength and die, and the loss is greater than in a 
battle. Woman and her affections are like that host. If 
she cannot bring on an engagement the best of them 
wither away. She buries them under the dust of years, 
and, entrenched in her pride, repels the advances of man. 
We condole for the loss of property caused by a fire, or a 
shipwreck; but this" waste of feeling unemployed" is 
made light of ; yet it is the cause of more heartfelt sor- 
row than any sacrifice of material wealth. As a remedy 
for the deprivations under which woman suffers he would 
propose " an amendment to the constitution to the effect 
that every man be allowed to have six wives." 

This atrocious proposition created a tremendous 
commotion in the assembly, particularly among the 
women, thirty or forty of whom instantly jumped up, 
some of them standing on the benches, and all began talk- 
ing at once. Cries of "infamous," "abominable," 


" wretch," " Mormon," and " monster " were heard on all 
sides. It was in vain that the chairman hammered on 
the desk with her mallet ; it only seemed to increase the 
uproar. In the midst of the din the shrill voice of Miss 
Crane was heard screaming. " The hypocrite ! he would 
make slaves of us all ; but my spirit is not yet broken ; 
I never shall be sacrificed." 

" Such infidel Turks," cried Mrs. Allbone, " deserve 
to be — I won't say what. Sisters we must band together 
to resist their further advances." • 

" Man was ever thus," said Miss Griffin ; " always striv- 
ing to keep woman in subjection ; but if we all stand by 
each other, such beings as Dr. Bernhard will find it diffi- 
cult to put us down. Our numbers will be too much for 
him. lie doubtless considers himself a Lord of the Cre- 
ation, and believes that woman was designed -to be his 
serf, and would like to keep her ever in an inferior posi- 
tion. He may have met with some chicken-hearted creat- 
ures who would consent to be trodden upon ; but he shall 
find that all women are not alike. Some can assert their 
prerogatives, and will not be imposed upon without a 

Mr. Peewit now moved that the proposition before the 
house be laid upon the table. 

" On the table ! " yelled Miss Crane ; " let it be hurled 
upon the floor and trodden under foot." 

Dr. Bernhard now rose and begged leave to explain his 
motion. He stated that much of the dissatisfaction with 
which it had been received was doubtless caused by a 
misapprehension of its meaning. He had not intended 
to propose that any man should be allowed to have more 
than one wife at a time. 

132 tjie rniLOsopiiEns of foufouville. 

This explanation seemed to be perfectly satisfactory to 
the gentlemen, and even many of the ladies appeared to 
deem the proposition, as explained, not unreasonable, for 
the noise and clamor perceptibly began to subside ; but 
the lull in the storm -was only temporary, for Peewit being 
heard to say that he thought " one wife sometimes too 
many," the hubbub instantly recommenced, and with great- 
er violence than before, — his remark exciting even a more 
lively indignation than the motion of Mr. Benhard. 
Some of the exasperated females, who were nearest to 
him, appeared from their actions anxious to lay violent 
hands on him ; but he slunk away in the confusion, in the 
midst of general execrations accompanied by hisses and 
hootings and cries of " Turn him out ! " " Turn him out ! " 

Peewit having thus acted as a lamb of sacrifice, and 
drawn upon himself the concentrated wrath of the audi- 
ence, Dr. Bernhard escaped without further remark. 


It had been announced that Miss Griffin would, on this 
occasion, deliver her long and anxiously expected lecture 
on The Co-relation of the Sexes, but the lady stated that 
her feelings had received so great a shock from the atro- 
cious proposition that had been enunciated during the 
afternoon by one of the opposite sex (here she looked 
significantly at Peewit), that she felt quite unable to do 
herself or the subject justice that evening. 

The disappointment appeared to be general. 

Mr. Peewit now rose for the purpose of explanation, 
but was received with such a storm of hisses and re- 
proaches that he could not make himself heard. 


The chairman finally ordered him to sit down. 

Dr. Mary Mo tt then proposed the following resolution, — 

Wliereas, A Convention is about to be called for the 
purpose of framing a new State constitution ; therefore, 

" Resolved, That we recommend to the people that they 
elect their delegates to the said Convention irrespective 
of sex or complexion." 

Dr. Bernhard. — " If female candidates are voted for, 
it will be useless to advise the people to pay no regard to 
complexion. Those who have the fairest skins will cer- 
tainly be elected." 

Mrs. Allbone. — " Are men such ninnies ? " 

Miss Griffin. — "Alas ! I fear they are." 

The resolution was passed. 

The subject of education came next in order, and 
apropos of this, Prof. Nicholas Malpest read his learned and 
appreciative review of the " Timeus " of Plato. As it con- 
tains some novel ideas and may serve as a a rebuke to 
the materialistic tendencies of the present age, we here- 
with give the document entire, printing from the original 



" The works of Plato, with notes by Dr. Solomon Bigwig. 
Minerva Press, Oxford, 1850. 

" CEuvres de Platon, chez Tete-de-chou. Bue de l'Hibou, 
Paris, 1750. 

" Platos Briefe iibersetzt. Leipsig, 1600. 
Opera Platonis. Roma A. U., 748. 

" Tiriaioq 7] Tiepl (pCxreatq. Athens, 99th Olymp. 

Etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. 

134 TI1E riULOSOPIlERS OF foufouville. 

"A whim seems tobe taking possession of men's minds in 
favor of the study of physical sciences as taught by the 
moderns, instead of the lucubrations of the philosophers 
of ancient limes ; and we regret to sa}-, that of late years, 
this delusion appears to have been steadily gaining ground, 
and even to have received the commendation of some of 
the most distinguished names in literature, art, and sci- 

" The writings of Plato have engaged the study and 
excited the admiration of the scholars of Oxford and 
Cambridge since the days of Alfred, and we now propose 
to recall to the reader's attention, some of the most strik- 
ing passages of his immortal works, — works that will lie 
universally read and esteemed when those of the Newtons, 
Ilerschels, and Faradays, are forgotten, — though we fear, 
if the new-fangled ideas prevail, — not till then. 

" The ' Timeus ' of Plato is acknowledged to be one of 
the most profound emanations of ancient wisdom ; in fact, 
such is the depth of its profundity that much of it is 
utterly incomprehensible to modern understandings. 

" It is known that a couple of Frenchmen b}^ the names 
of Buffon and Cuvier have elaborated a complicated system 
of Natural History, in which the mind of the student is 
bewildered with kingdoms, genera, species and varieties 
ad infinitum, with vertebrate, invertebrates, mollusks, etc. 
ad nauseum. How much simpler and more satisfactory 
to the classical scholar is the system of the learned Greek ! 
It is expounded in the ' Timeus ' in the following lan- 

" There are four species of animals, namely, the celes- 
tial race of gods, birds, fish, and beasts, that walk upon 
the land.' [Timeus. Edition of Schwalbe. Page 505.] 


" One Tyndall, a professor in the Royal Institution of 
London, has (we have been informed) published a work 
on heat in which the modern theory is developed, — a 
theory based on an almost infinite number and variety 
of experiments, and a close observation of the workings 
of nature, but in which many questions are left unsolved. 

"Now behold how, unaided by a single experiment, but 
guided only by the light of transcendental wisdom, the 
great Plato lucidly accounts for the phenomena that so 
perplex our modern philosophers. 

" ' In the first place, it is evident to everybody that air, 
earth, fire, and water are bodies. What is more, every 
kind of body has depth, and depth necessarily implies a 
plane nature. Now every perfectly plane surface is com- 
posed of triangles, and all the triangles are derived from 
two other triangles, each of which has one right angle and 
two acute angles ; one of these triangles has on each side 
a part of the right angle divided by equal sides, the other 
has the unequal parts of the right angle divided by un- 
equal sides. Such is the origin that we give to fire and 
other bodies, basing our opinion on reasons both probable 
and certain.' [p. 523.] 

" After this brilliant scintillation of genius, the sage of 
JEgina vouchsafes us some information that we respect- 
fully recommend to the attention of the learned. 

" 'Let us now take the two triangles, of which the body 
of fire, and the bodies of the other elements have been 
formed, the isosceles and the scalene, of which the square 
of the greatest side is three times that of the smallest. 
The four species of bodies appeared to us to spring from 
each other ; but this was an error. These four species 
are formed of the triangles that we have mentioned, 


namely, three of them from the scalene triangle, and the 
fourth from the isosceles triangle.' [p. 524.] 

"Mark how different is his explanation of the reflection 
of light from that given in text-books at present. 

" ' As to the images that are formed on mirrors or pol- 
ished surfaces, it is very easy to give the reason. In effect, 
when the interior fire and the exterior fire unite together, 
and, the latter renewing itself without cessation, applies 
itself several times to the polished surface, the images 
of which we spoke are formed necessarily, because the fire 
which starts from the visage mixes itself up on the pol- 
ished surface with the visual fire. Then the right of the 
object appears the left, because the contact docs not take 
place according to ordinary laws.' [p. 513.] 

" There is nothing here about those angles of incidence 
and angles of reflection that so puzzle the classical 
scholar. Who, we may triumphantly ask, after reading 
this fieiy passage would hesitate to choose between the 
Optics of Plato and those of Brewster. 

" Many volumes have been written on the origin of the 
various ills that afflict mankind. Had the authors con- 
sulted Plato, they might have saved themselves much 
trouble, and we earnestly call upon the Academy of Med- 
icine to give heed to the following words, — 

" ' As to the origin of maladies, anybody can easily find 
it. In effect, as there are four elements of which bodies 
are composed, — namely, air, earth, fire, and water, — the 
excess or the deficiency against nature of these substan- 
ces, their transposition, the properties contrary to their 
nature acquired by fire and the other elements, for there 
are several, all similar accidents engender disorders and 
sicknesses, since each one of the elements changing its 


nature and position, that which was at first cold becomes 
warm, that which was dry becomes moist, that which was 
light becomes heavy, and all undergo all sorts of changes.' 
[p. 261.] 

" What depth of reasoning is displayed in this exposi- 
tion ! How admirably the effect is deduced from the 
cause ! We know of nothing that can be compared to it 
out of the Chinese. How unlike it is the style of the 
Harveys, the Coopers, and the Motts, who in these days 
are looked upon as authorities ! 

" Having accounted for the ills of the body, the sage 
rises to a loftier theme, and informs us of the origin of 
those of the soul. He says, — 

" ' When bitter and salt phlegm, sour and bilious humors 
spread themselves throughout the body without finding an 
issue, and, pressed from the interior, mix themselves up 
and disturb the revolutions of the soul by their vapors, 
they engender all sorts of maladies in the soul.' [p. 

"What a knowledge of hidden causes is displayed in 
the following passage ! 

" ' The gods foresaw that we would be inclined to great 
intemperance in eating and drinking ; so, to prevent us 
from making ourselves sick, and killing ourselves by over- 
eating, they arranged that receptacle called the belly as a 
sort of store-house of superfluous food, and gave the in- 
testines an immense number of circumvolutions, from the 
fear that if the victuals passed through them quickly we 
would immediately begin eating again, and thus would 
have no time for the muses and philosophy.' [p. 549.] 

" How the divine Plato rises above the vulgar anatomical 
reasons that would be given by a modern M.D. ! Instead 


of descending to elude and bile, be soars into tbe regions 
of the mases and philosophy (ancient) ; and bow sugges- 
tive, too, is the whole passage ; for it is clear that if tbe 
rectum and intestines formed a straight continuation of 
tbe stomacb and oesophagus, so tbat food passed out of 
tbe body about as fast as it was taken in, we would bare 
no time for anything but eating. We would be lower in 
tbe animal scale tban rabbits. Every man would bave to 
be bis own Delmonico, and keep an unlimited supply of 
food on band, and even tben would be in danger of starv- 
ing to deatb, unless Nature provided some way of seizing 
it flying (as it were) on its rapid course tbrougb tbe jeju- 
num. Tbe buman race would sweep over tbe eartb like 
devouring locusts. Tbe flocks and berds would be swal- 
lowed up ; borse flesb would be at a premium ; tbe Chinese 
would not be alone in their taste for cats and rats ; and 
even tbe partiality of tbe Digger Indians for grasshop- 
pers migbt come generally into fashion ; oysters would go 
down by tbe bushel ; the poor would all starve to death ; 
and, to cap the climax, we would have been deprived of 
the inestimable privilege of studying Plato, for his bril- 
liant lucubrations, having been written on parchment, would 
undoubtedly have been devoured by somebody long before 
our da}-, — a misfortune that would have prevented modern 
men of learning from digesting them. 

1,1 "What an abyss of mysticism is contained in his view 
of creation ! 

" ' It was in order to give birth to Time that God made 
the Sun, the Moon, and the five other stars that we call 
planets ; in order to determine and preserve the numbers 
which measure it, and, after having made these bodies, 
God placed tbe whole seven of them in the seven orbits, 


that the nature of the other describes in its revolution ; 
the Moon in the first orbit that surrounds the earth, the 
Sun in the second, Venus and the star sacred to Mercury 
in the orbits in which they revolve with a velocity equal 
to that of the Sun, but in a contrary direction to the order 
of signs.' [p. 503.] 

" No mind less profound than that of Plato could have 
conceived the idea of the creation of the Sun, Moon, and 
five other planets before Time was ; and what classical 
scholar will not consider his astronomical theory more in 
accordance with the perceptions of our senses, than that 
of Copernicus and his followers, who go so far as actually 
to deny that the Sun revolves around the earth, notwith- 
standing the daily evidence of our eyes to the contrary ? 

" But it is in his description of the manner in which the 
Creator formed the soul, that the incomprehensible genius 
of Plato attained its highest flight. "We trust our readers 
will pardon us for giving an English translation of it, as 
it is possible there may be some among them not suffi- 
ciently versed in Greek to appreciate the full vastidity of 
the ideas in the original. 

" ' Here is the way God formed the soul. "With the es- 
sence indivisible, always identical to itself, and with the 
essence divisible, variable of bodies, he composed a third 
kind of intermediary essence, which partakes of the nature 
of the same and of the other, and thus he established it 
in the midst of that which is indivisible and that which is 
divisible ; after having taken these three kinds of princi- 
ples, he mixed them up in order to reduce them to a sin- 
gle kind, by forcibly uniting the rebellious nature of the 
same to that of the other ; and when he had mixed the 
same and the other with the intermediary essence, and 


out of these three things had made one whole one, he 
divided it into as many parts as were necessary ; so that 
each one of these parts was composed of the same, of the 
other, and of the Intermediary essence.' [p. 499.] 

" Now it will hardly be credited, but it is nevertheless 
true that a celebrated French author has had the temerity 
to pronounce this quintessence of sublime, mctaplrysical 
transcendentalism to be ' sheer nonsense ! ' (galimatias!) 
and this opinion we regret to say, seems to be that of 
most of the learned men of his country, who indeed do 
not hesitate to speak in the most disrespectful manner, not 
only of Plato himself, but of the ancient philosophers in 
general, — nay, they even go so far as to laugh at them ! 
Such hardihood might be expected from a people so 
deeply infected with the teachings of modern science as 
the French. 

" The few extracts we have given from the ' Timeus,' 
are, we trust, sufficient to show the nature of that sublime 
work ; and when it is borne in mind that all the produc- 
tions of Plato, and indeed of most of the philosophers 
of old, are conceived in a similar lofty and mystical spirit, 
we feel assured that enough will have been done to enable 
the intelligent reader to draw a correct conclusion as to 
the comparative advantages between the study of their 
lucubrations, and the works of modern men of science. 
The former disdained to stoop to experiment, but, relying 
on their intuitive perception of truth, did not shrink from 
the boldest speculations, with what success the extracts 
we have given demonstrate. How different was their way 
of theorizing, from the method by which philosophers in 
those degenerate days seek to penetrate the arcana of 
Nature ! The latter would reduce everything to weight 


and measure, and refuse to accept the smallest fact until 
it has been proved by actual experiment ; moreover, they 
value a discovery just in proportion as it tends to amelio- 
rate the condition of mankind, — a low consideration 
quite beneath the dignity of ancient philosophy. 

" The Turks believe that those who are afflicted with 
mental hallucination are favored by the Almighty, and 
gifted with a peculiar wisdom. This idea of those infi- 
dels seems to receive some confirmation from the fact that 
the only productions we ever met with that could be com- 
pared to those of Plato, for the extreme profundity of 
their sublimated mysticism, were the original articles in 
the journal published by the inmates of the Asylum for 
Alienes at New Bedlam. 

" In conclusion we will observe that as the human body 
after death is resolved into its original elements, and by 
then entering into the composition of plants and being 
eaten, may actually assist in building up and form a part 
of some other and living body or bodies, may we not — 
reasoning from analogy, and taking into consideration the 
doctrine of the conservation of force — suppose that the 
soul or mind may pass through a similar change ? A sci- 
entific man in the nineteenth century would doubtless 
decline to trouble himself about this question unless he 
could catch a soul to experiment upon, but an ancient 
philosopher would not have hesitated to pronounce his 
decision, and we can easily picture to ourself the solemn, 
long-bearded, barefooted sage, muttering his oracular 
sentences with upturned eyes, while his open-mouthed 
auditors are dumfounded by such a display of ineffable 
wisdom ; we can even fancy that we hear the lucid and 
convincing argument. 

142 the rniLOSOPnEits of foufouville. 

" ' The soul being composed of isosceles triangles, it is 
clear that the indivisible essence is permeated by the same, 
and consequently the divisible essence is to the interme- 
diary essence as \\ are to the square root of the first prin- 
ciple, — consequently twice two are four. Kow, since the 
world is an animal, and a soul without a corporation is 
minus individuality, and fire is a neutral conglomeration 
of scalene triangles, each containing eighteen obtuse angles, 
it is obvious that by the intermixification of the primary 
principles the resultibus is one ex nihility ; so that by the 
natural ratiocination of secondary ideas, anybody can see 
that the sequence to the manducation of mundungus must 
be a jactitatious lumbago of the diaphragm. 

" Having proved so much by reasons clear and incon- 
trovertible, know now that an infinitesimal lrypothenuse 
from the zenith to the umbilical region of the nadir would 
cause a hiatus of heterogeneous gnomonics throughout 
the universe ; hence it is evident that the honiologou scon- 
catenation of sesquilateral xylobalsamums being equal to 
one hundred and seventy-seven perpendicular parallclopi- 
pedons, therefore my confabulation must excite oscitancy, 
wherefore I will incontinently proceed to exsiccate." 

Prof. Malpest's address was received with much applause 
although one hiss was heard (supposed to have come 
from Miss Griffin). 

The secretary then stated that she had received a letter 
of declination, which came too late to be given with the 
others, but which she proposed to read now, as the writer 
— a gentleman named Lovell, and evidently a mere man 
of the world — most unwittingly exposed the shallow 
sophistries by which the man of the present day endeav- 


ored to stifle the promptings of conscience, and to up- 
hold that iniquitous system by which woman is kept in 

This puerile epistle would serve as a warning to the 
Convention, and by showing the exact strength — or 
rather, weakness — of the enemy's position, would give 
encouragement to the female mind in future struggles 
against the advances of the foe. 

Miss Blackball then read the following letter, — 

"Harmony Hall, May 2d, 1850. 

" To the Secretary of the F. R. A. : — 

"Madame, — I regret that a previous engagement, 
which makes my presence here absolutely necessary, will 
debar me from the pleasure of assisting at the Convention. 

" I beg to decline the honor of being proposed as a mem- 
ber of the Association, from the fear that my views are 
not in sufficient accordance with those of the ladies com- 
posing it. Although I will not deny woman's abstract 
right to the franchise, I have doubts of the advisability of 
her obtaining and exercising that right. [Some signs of 
indignation among the ladies.] 

"Although in politics a firm Republican [Cries of 'That's 
enough ! ' ' Stop ! ' ' Stop ! ' ' The vile Radical ! " So am 
I ! ' ' Go on ! ' ' Go on ! '] , and therefore holding that gov- 
ernment derives its theoretically just powers only from the 
consent of the governed, I nevertheless believe that 
government to be the best which adds most to the happi- 
ness of the people, no matter what its form may be. 
History shows that these two principles, like oil and water, 
are generally antagonistic. Education is the alkali that 
makes them run smoothly together. In some countries 
Republicanism has been tried and found wanting. The 

144 tiie rniLOSOPnEns of foufouville. 

mass of the people were, perhaps, not sufficiently intelli- 
gent or advanced. They were, politically speaking, boys, 
and still required masters, or a master with a sceptre for a 
rod. In our own glorious and enlightened land [Male voice 
' Good ! ' feminine ditto, ' Enlightened indeed ! '] the two 
principles do not clash, and a system founded on the will 
of the people is the most just theoretically, and at the 
same time the best practically, and makes us the freest 
and happiest people in the whole world. [Boy in gallery 
' Hurrah ! ' Several ladies, ' Founded on the will of the peo- 
ple, indeed ! ' Old lady, ' Aren't women-folks people then? ' 
Professor Malpest was heard to mutter something about 
1 Sunday,' and brother Scipio Africanus was seen to 
shake his head negatively, but whether in response to the 
query of the old lady, or to the last paragraph in the let- 
ter, } T our reporter could not determine.] 

" Applying these two principles to the subject of the 
political disabilities of woman, and granting that no just 
reason can be urged against her right to vote, the question 
ariseg, Would the happiness of man [' Man ! ' ' Man ! ' 
' Only man ! ' ' What does he care for woman ! ' ' The 
selfish thing ! '] that is to say, mankind in general — both 
sexes — be increased by the exercise of that right ? I think 
not. [Strong marks of dissatisfaction. Miss Griffin 
observed that the writer was a young and very inexperi- 
enced person.] 

" The most delightful charm in life is found in the 
relationship between the sexes as it exists in civilized 
countries, and this charm is actually heightened by the 
differences between them. Sensible women do not admire 
effeminate men ; men do not admire masculine women. 
Each sex has its peculiar duties. This assertion does not 


necessarily imply an intellectual superiority in either ; for 
one person may have a talent for the law, another for 
mercantile pursuits, another for the arts of design, each 
be wanting in the special gifts of the others, and yet all 
be of equal mental calibre. 

"The strong arms of man can accomplish work for 
which the delicately moulded limbs of woman are quite 
unfitted. [Mrs. Allbone, ' He can't ! '] She has work to 
do that cannot be done by him. [Several gentlemen, 
'What is it?' 'What is it?' Mr. Peewit ventured to 
suggest, "Wet-nurse;" the chairman frowned, and he 
shrank into a corner, looking as frightened as a boy in a 
church-yard, at night, at the sound of his own voice.] In 
barbarous states of society there is some equality between 
the amount of labor done by the men and the women. 
But is the condition there of the latter desirable ? Does 
the most strong-minded sister envy it ? The convention- 
alities of civilization have given us different fields of toil. 
If you were to break down the barriers that separate us, 
so that men and women should be in all respects as much 
on an equality as human efforts could make them, you 
would break the charm that attracts them towards each 
other [Mrs. Allbone, ' Charm, indeed ! No man ever 
charmed me ! '] ; marriage would cease to be valued as a 
sacred and enduring bond, and would be regarded as a 
mere temporary convenience [' Or inconvenience ! ' said Mr. 
Peewit, for which interruption he was sharply rebuked by 
the chairman], to be assumed or cast off at will." 

" Moreover, it is very doubtful if the exercise of the 

franchise by the ladies would have a beneficial effect on 

our political affairs [' Of course not in the opinion of such 

persons,' said Miss Crane, tossing her head], for women 


14G the pniLosornERs of foufouville. 

of culture and reGucmcnt, whose perceptions of right and 
wrong are far superior to those of the average male voter, 
would generally shrink from the squabbles of the polls, 
while the brazen, ignorant denizens of the purlieus of our 
cities would swarm out to make use of their privilege, 
thus doubling the strength of that portion of our popula- 
tion which is the least qualified to understanding^ exert 
its power. 

" Men, in their actions, are guided chiefly by their 
interests ; women, by their feelings or prejudices ; and 
surely in politics the former are a better guide than the 
latter (except where the prejudice is in favor of honor) ; 
for, in a republic, if every man knows his interest and 
votes in accordance with it, the majority are benefited by 
it. [Several voices, 'The majority of the men.'] I 
assume that the interest of the wife is, or ought to be, the 
same as that of the husband. [' The outrageous assump- 
tion ! ' ' It is ! ' 'It isn't ! ' 'It never can be till women 
make the laws ! '] 

" In the southern section of our country the politicians 
are said to be plotting secession, impelled by motives of 
fancied personal interest. The women, from a prejudice 
in favor of their peculiar institution, or from devotion to 
their fathers, or husbands, or brothers, are in full accord- 
ance with them. If war were to result, the women would 
have more to lose than the men ; for while the latter 
would risk their lives, the former would risk the loss of 
those on whom they depend for support, and in whom are 
centred those affections whose satisfaction alone makes 
life desirable. Yet is it probable that they would endeav- 
or to have a restraining influence over the men ? Would 


not their passions be more powerful than their inter- 
ests ? * 

" Your voting, mesdames, would not augment, but 
would rather diminish, your influence over us ; and, believ- 
ing that influence to be for the best, I wish to see it 
increased. The more truly womanly you are, the greater 
it will be. We are now with some truth called your 
slaves, and willing slaves we are ; but make yourselves to 
all intents and purposes one of us, and the chains are 
broken. We might jog along together amicably, perhaps, 
united, like partners in business, by reasons of interest 
and mutual convenience, or even of friendship, but not by 
the stronger ties of the heart. 

" If you have wrongs, they can and will be rectified ; 
and impartial justice is more likely to be done by intelli- 
gent men, who have mothers, and wives, and sisters, and 
daughters, than by the majority of those of the gentler 
sex who would be most prone to do battle at the polls. 
Believe me, you can obtain more as women than as voters. 

" Men know that it is sometimes best not to make use 
of an admitted power or privilege. Your right to vote I 
will not dispute. I have a right to cut off my own nose, 
if I will (having no wife) ; but I would be very foolish to 
do so. 

" Nothing human is perfect.- If the franchise could be 
confined to the educated men and women of our country, 
it would probably be better for us all. There would be 
less corruption in office, and a higher tone in all our 
affairs. • But this cannot be ; and since such is the case, 
and we claim to be more prosperous and contented than 
any other people, would it not be wise to leave well 

* The ovont justified Mr. Lovcll's fear. — Note by the author. 

148 the rniLOSornERS of foufouville. 

enough alone at least, until we have a stronger surety 
than exists at present, that the change you desire would 
increase the general welfare and happiness ? 

" Yours respectfully and sincerely, 

" L. Lovell." 

A silence of several minutes' duration followed the 
reading of this letter. Several of the ladies were heard 
to say that their indignation was so great that they 
could not find words in which to express it. Miss Griffin 
was the first to recover her equanimity, or, at least, 
the entire power of speech. 

" Such," said she, " are the pitiable subterfuges with 
which our tyrant has too long beguiled us. But the hour 
of deliverance is at hand. Woman has only to be true 
to herself to see man at her feet. Why should she be 
constrained to mope by her lonely hearth, while he goes 
about where he will ? Why should she be frowned upon 
for that which is passed over lightly in him? If a single 
life was for him the reality that it is to to her, I fancy 
there would not be quite so many useless bachelors." - 

At this point an excited individual in the gallery 
(evidently an outsider) jumped up and exclaimed, — 

" You say there is a different standard of morality for 
men and for women ; that what is venial in him, is unpar- 
donable in her. You have only yourselves to blame. 
Men do not make our social codes. The days of snivel 
ling Puritans are over. The laws of society are not 
decided by ballot. It is you, not us, who prevent the 
' unfortunate ' from retrieving the errors of the past, 
while he, who shared her fault or misfortune, goes compar- 
atively unscathed. Would you pardon neither, but con- 


demn both equally, hoping thereby to reform the world ? 
If such is your aim, you should call a convention in 
heaven, and induce the Almighty to change human nature." 

Here the chairman ordered the sergeant-at-arms to put 
the interloper out. Mrs. Allbone obeyed the mandate, 
amid cries from the boys in the gallery of " Out with him ! " 
"-Hustle him off! " " Bulb/ for you ! " etc. 

"Alas!" said Miss Griffin, "there is truth in the 
words of the stranger. Woman is her own greatest 
enemy. Custom is the Kali — the evil-genius of the sex. 
In China, from time immemorial, her every step in life 
has been one of torture, in obedience to its absurd and 
cruel behests ; in India, it sacrificed her upon an altar of 
fire ; in Europe, it keeps her in lifelong bondage to man ; 
her mind, not permitted to. expand, cannot emerge from 
the chrysalis state, but remains confined in the cocoon of 
decorum. Let us hope that in America she will become 
fully developed, and attain the age of reason." [Several 
voices, " She has ! " " She has ! "] 

Mr. Peewit. — " Then, when she gets out of the cocoon, 
she will be a beautiful butterfly ? " 

Dr. Bernhard. — " And be guilty of indecorum? " 

Miss Griffin. — (With a look of contempt.) " Man 
cannot understand woman." 

The chairman now read an " Appeal to the Women of 
the World, " in which she set forth in clear terms the ob- 
jects sought to be attained by the Association, and dem- 
onstrated the necessity of co-operation on the part of the 
sex in all countries, in order to enable woman to head 
off the futher encroachments of designing man on her nat- 
ural rights. 

The appeal was adopted with great enthusiasm and 


ten thousand copies directed to be printed in each of 
twenty different languages. 

In order to obtain funds for this purpose, it was now 
stated that a collection would be taken up. 

As it was growing late, the audience began moving 
towards the door, and in fifteen minutes the room was 
almost vacated. 

So ended the Convention. 

As the comments of the press of the time may be of 
some interest to the reader, Ave will give a few extracts 
from the editorial columns of two of the leading city 
papers, — 

[From the Protean Herald of May 18th.] 

" That heterogenous conglomeration of foufouites, pha- 
lansterites, ideologists, transcendentalists, spiritualists, 
free-thinkers, free-lovers, strong-minded women, and weak- 
minded men, known as the F. R. A., have held their annual 
confabulation. Society in general, and the male portion 
thereof in particular, seemed to be the peculiar object of 
feminine vituperation. One would suppose that the 
sight of that abominable animal — man — had a similar 
effect upon these ladies as a red banner upon a mad bull. 
Notwithstanding this, various projects were devised for 
providing all forlorn damsels with husbands. That un- 
fortunate document, the constitution of the United States, 
was, figuratively speaking, torn to pieces. What imbe- 
ciles our forefathers must have been ! Why did they not 
attend to their shops and their farms, and leave it to their 
wives to settle the affairs of the state ? 

" Letters were read from various individuals, known 
and unknown to fame (mostly the latter), including a 
patriotic effusion from the Old Public Functionary at the 


White House. The Chevalier Malpest opened our eyes as 
to the merits of an ancient Foufouite named Plato ; the 
Baron Von Bernhard proposed to start a harem, which 
brought the whole house down on him in the most harum- 
scarum manner ; and poor Peewit having rashly given utter- 
ance to a sentiment derogatory to the amiable sex, was 
obliged to fly for his life. If any one of these gentlemen 
will pay us a visit at our hospitable mansion on Harlem 
Heights, he shall be received with all the honors due to 
his exalted merit, and we will show him how it is possible 
in this sublunary sphere to jog through life quite com- 
fortably with nothing but cash and common sense. 

" A proposition to pass around the hat caused a gener- 
al stampede for the door. Our reporter at first thought 
the house was on fire ; but the apparition of half a dozen 
grizzly, hirsute individuals, with their hats in their hands, 
pursuing the flying crowd, showed him what was the 
matter. We know not what was the contemplated object 
of the contemplated contribution ; but the most worthy 
charity we know of, and one of which we will gladly 
head the subscription list with the munificient donation 
of ten cents, would be for the purchase of a bran-new white 
hat, overcoat, and box of blacking for our philanthrop- 
ical contemporary, the Foufouite Mormon philosopher of 
Spruce Street, so that his appearance might be in some 
sort of keeping with the name of the street in which he 
holds forth. 

" Seriously speaking ; if this noble army of martyrs,* 
male and female, really wish to be of use to their country, 
let the men immediately set themselves to work cleaning 
the streets of our city, and, when they have raised the 

152 tiie rniLosornEiis of foufouville. 

wherewithal, let them present each one of the women with 
a patent sewing-machine." 

[From the Tribune of the People of May 10th.] 

" The Convention of the F. It. A. has finished its lahors. 
The objects sought to be attained by the lofty-minded 
men and women who conduct this movement for reform, 
deserve the serious consideration of every progressive 
and patriotic American. If we would behold this glori- 
ous union advance for the enlightenment of mankind in 
the future as it has done in the past, we must give heed to 
the warning voice of reason. If we would see our rum- 
shops closed, the fetters stricken from the limbs of the 
oppressed, our manufactures fostered, our rising genera- 
tion of young men and women free, virtuous, and happy, 
we must listen to reason. 

" "We notice that the ' Satanic Press,' as might have been 
expected from that shallow sheet, treats this profound 
subject of reform with its customary superciliousness ; its 
personal strictures we shall pass by without notice, that 
being a matter between man and man, with which the gen- 
eral public has nothing to do. 

"If we wear a shocking bad hat, it covers a head 
filled with good thoughts. 

" If our coat is white, so is our conscience. 

" As to understandings, we consider polished manners 
of more consequence than polished boots. 

" With regard to the infamous insinuation that we have 
become a convert to Mormonism, we indignantly hurl 
back the false aspersion in the teeth of our calumniator." 



Some Adventures of Mr. Peewit. 

On the day after the Convention broke up, Mrs. Strong- 
itharm, considering it incumbent on her to return without 
delay to her house-keeping duties at Harmony Hall, placed 
fifty dollars in the hands of Mr. Peewit with instructions 
to purchase for her a few needed articles of female ap- 
parel, and rejoin her at the phalanstery in the evening. 
This was the first day the gentleman had been left to him- 
self since he became a Harmonian, and he determined to 
take advantage of the opportunity to put in execution a 
design that had for some time past engaged his thoughts. 
Purchasing a cop} r of the " Protean Herald," he ran his 
eye rapidly over the columns until he came to the follow- 
ing advertisement, — 

"Wonderful. — Madam Demain, seventh daughter of a 
seventh daughter, born with a caul, the greatest living clairvoy- 
ant. Heads the past, present and future, reveals your thoughts, 
tells lucky numbers, gives advice on business and theft, de- 
scribes whom you will marry, etc." 

" Ladies, 50 ceuts, — Gentlemen $1. 

" 1001 Mulberry St., 4th Floor." 

Mr. Peewit cut out the advertisement, put it carefully 
in his waistcoat-pocket and directed his steps to the local- 
ity indicated. He found it to be a dirty, tumble-down, 
four-story tenement house ; sheets, shirts, and stockings 


were hanging from the windows to dry, and dozens of tow- 
headed children were playing around the gutter in front. 
After looking up and down the street once or twice, as if 
he feared to be seen, he at last ventured to go up the steps 
and to give a gentle tap with the knocker. No response 
being made, he tapped again, and, after waiting five min- 
utes longer, gave a positive knock. A woman now poked 
her head out of a basement window, and, speaking with a 
decided Irish brogue, asked, — 

" An who are ye afther seeking? " 

" Does Madam Domain live here? " 

" Sure its up the alley ye'll find her, in the rare buildin'." 

So Peewit passed through the narrow open passage- 
way alongside of the house, and saw at the back of the 
yard a four-story dwelling, of a more dingy and weather- 
beaten aspect than the one in front. This was the " rare 
building," and the door being open, and unfurnished with 
either bell or knocker, he walked in and ascended the rickety 
stairway. Having reached the fourth floor he knocked 
at the first door he came to. Some one was grinding a 
hand-organ within, but the noise now ceased and a heavily 
bearded man, with a wretched-looking monkey on his 
shoulder and a small switch in his hand, opened the door 
an inch or two, and asked, in a petulant tone, — 


" Madam Demain," answered Peewit. 

" Up shtairs," replied the man, slamming the door. 

So Peewit mounted to the attic. He there saw a tall, 
gaunt woman, about forty-eight j^ears of age, with keen gray 
eyes, heavy, overhanging brows, uncombed, frizzled black 
hair that stood out in every direction like the snakes from 
the head of Medusa, and dressed in a dirty, black frock, 


soiled stockings, and slippers clown at the heel. When 
he arrived she was bending over a small stove frying sau- 

" Madam Demain, the meedjum? " said Peewit. 

The female immediately assumed a look of dignity, 
and, striding across the garret with a theatrical air, opened 
a low, narrow door and said, in a lofty tone, — 

" Enter." 

Peewit obeyed, though it was necessary for him to 
stoop in order to do so. He would now gladly have found 
himself once more in the open street, — for the place re- 
minded him of descriptions of the mouth of Hell, and he 
felt exceedingly ill at ease, — but the door had been closed 
after him. It was too late to retreat. He found himself 
in a contracted attic room, lighted only by a small dormer 
window from which several panes had been broken, and 
the apertures stopped with a hat and some old clothes. 
At first he could hardly distinguish more than the dirty 
panes of the window ; but, as his eyes became accustomed 
to the obscurity, he perceived by a dim light a small, 
square table in the centre of the room, with a couple of 
chairs on opposite sides of it. Into one of these he let 
himself drop, for a tremor came over him, and he felt as 
if he had put himself, body and soul, in the power of the 
evil one. 

A hissing sound without added to his unpleasant sensa- 
tions, for he could not distinguish whether it was made by 
venomous serpents or sausages. He sat for some time 
perfectly motionless, hardly daring to raise his eyes from 
the table, for he fancied he was surrounded by grinning 
skeletons, stuffed toads, lizards, dragons, antediluvian 
reptiles, and other frightful objects, like the alchemist in 


Hogarth's picture. "When at last be ventured timidly to 
look around, he was quite surprised to find that the walls 
were perfectly bare, being covered with nothing but dirt 
and cobwebs. In about ten minutes, the gaunt female 
glided in by a side door, and, seating herself in a chair 
opposite to him, held out her hand across the table. Pee- 
wit, supposing this was a demonstration of amit}*, 
grasped it with his and shook it. 

" Dollar," said the woman. 

The fee was paid, and the conjuror taking a dirty pack 
of cards from her pocket, arranged them on the table in a 

" Your hand," said she. 

Peewit extended his hand, and the lady passed her fin- 
gers rapidly over it, at the same time scrutinizing his 

She then raised her eyes to the ceiling, and for the 
space of a full minute her attention appeared to be ab- 
sorbed in gazing fixedly at a fiy-speck. 

" You have known some happy days," she said at last, 
fixing her keen gray eyes on Peewit, as if she would look 
through him. " You have known some happy days, and 
many that were not so. You have had trouble and been 
in doubt. You are in doubt at this moment. There are 
many perplexities in business. People lose much by 

•She looked hard at Peewit, who appeared earnestly at- 

" But the great source of trouble," she continued, " is 
the human heart." 

The gentleman changed color. 


" Ha ! " cried the sibyl, " I see a lady, — a dark lady, — 
whose destiny is mixed up with yours." 

Peewit looked uneasy, and the •muscles of his face 
twitched nervously. 

" Venus and Mars are in conjunction," continued the 
woman ; " but Mars is not favorable to you. Venus, how- 
ever, can overcome the malignant influence of the other 
when the Ecliptic cuts the Zenith at the Vernal Equinox. 
Ha ! Here is a number. Beware, beware of 4-11-44." 

" Forty-four ! " exclaimed Peewit ; " why, that is just 
about her age." 

"Beware of forty-four, I tell you; it is your unlucky 
number. The dark lady is before me still. She is not 
young. She wears spectacles." 

". Now?" said Peewit, with surprise. 

" I am looking into futurity," answered the clairvoj''- 
ant ; " at present her eyesight is good. Her hair is dark. 
She is destined to have an effect upon your existence." 

Peewit looked sad. 

"Is there not," he asked, hesitatingly, "is there not 
any one who cares for me ? " 

The sorceress shuffled the cards about, and, taking a 
piece of chalk from her pocket, drew a circle on the table 
within that formed by the cards, and within the circle she 
described a number of cabalistic characters. She gazed 
upon these intently for a few moments, and then started 
back, exclaiming, — 

"Ha ! behold, I see another, — a younger lady, — very 
different from the other." 

Peewit's countenance at once brightened up. 

"She is not a dark lady — no — not dark — she has 
light hair — yes, light hair and blue eyes." 


" Blue ? " inquired Peewit. 

" No, not exactly blue," answered the seventh daughter, 
gazing alternately at the mystic figures on the table and 
into the face of Peewit, " in fact, on looking more closely, 
I should pronounce them hazel, — no — no — they are not 
hazel, — yet are they not quite black, — no — not black — 
ah ! now I have it — they must be — yes, I see more clearly, 

— they are a sort of gray — yes — that's it, gray." 
" "Wonderful ! " said Peewit. 

" She is younger than the other," continued the medium, 
" yes, much younger ; in fact, a mere girl." 

Peewit looked disappointed, and he muttered audibly, 

" It can't be her." 

" Interrupt not the flow of the magnetic fluid. I am 
looking into the past. She was younger once than she is 
now. Yes — she was a child, — a happy child ; then she 
became a girl, — now she is a woman, — yes, she is a full- 
grown woman." 

" True ! " exclaimed Peewit, striking the table with his 
fist. " It is as true as the gospel — and is she," he con- 
tinued with some embarrassment, "is she — thinking of 
any one in particular ? " 

The seeress again fumbled with the cards ; drew some 
more necromantic figures, and said, — 

" The planets are propitious ; Venus is in the ascend- 
ant. Yes, — she is thinking of some one at this moment. 
She thinks of him whenever she sees the dark lady. He 
is an undersized gent, — just as large as you, — he looks like 
you ; he has on a blue coat with brass buttons, and he 
wears a white hat. His hair is light-colored and straight 

— an undemonstrative nose — large ears — ha ! it is — it 
is } r ourself ; she is thinking of 3 T ou at this moment." 


" Miraculous ! " exclaimed Peewit, " miraculous ! And 
will I — that is to say — will she be happy ? " 

" She will have some happy days, and some unhappy 
days. Your fate will be mixed up with hers. More defi- 
nite information I cannot give you until the Zodiac points 
to the Pole star ; come again. Adieu." 

The Pythoness, or whatever she was, now rose, and with 
a majestic motion of the hand waved the awe-struck 
Peewit out of the room. 

M e had been so spellbound while in the presence of the 
sorceress that he had not been conscious of the emotions 
caused by her influence, — or his imagination, — and, on 
descending the rickety staircase, was surprised to perceive 
that he was in a profuse perspiration and trembling from 
head to foot. It was with a feeling of relief that he found 
himself once more in the light of day on the open street. 

Whether it was owing to joy on account of danger past, 
or the gratifying nature of the information he had received, 
certain it is that he walked away with a light heart, and 
proceeded with an elastic step towards the lower part of 
the city, where he intended making his purchases. 

As he was passing through Chatham Stree, he noticed a 
crowd in a shop, and heard the words, " Going — going — 
gone !" Curiosity induced him to enter. As he did so, the 
auctioneer, who had a decidedly Jewish cast of counte- 
nance, cried, "How much, gentlemen, for this magnificent 
ten-jeweled, patent lever, Lepine gold watch, with this 
heavy gold chain, how much am I offered — how much?" 
and as he spoke he exhibited the articles. 

" That looks like a fine timepiece," said a respectable- 
looking middle-aged gentleman, who was standing by the 
side of Peewit. " Will you allow me to examine it? " 

160 the philosophers of foufouville. 

" Certainly, sir," said the auctioneer, Landing down the 

" I do not like to make costly purchases," said the old 
gentleman, opening the watch and carefully examining the 
works, "without having made an inspection of the goods. 
Three years ago I bought just such a looking watch as 
that at this establishment for one hundred and twenty 
dollars, and it proved to be a most excellent time-keeper. 
I should like to find a similar one to present to my wife. 
By Jove ! I believe this is its duplicate. It would be clteap 
at a hundred dollars." 

" How much," cried the auctioneer " for this magnificent 
watch and chain? Who bids? Don't all speak at once." 

Now we do not care to describe an operation, the details 
of which — or at least of similar ones — are published 
Aveckly in the newspapers, so we will merely state that 
Peewit was inveighed into exchanging his silver " turnip " 
(as Lovell called it), but which was a really serviceable 
timepiece, for what he supposed to be a superior gold 
watch and chain, worth at least one hundred and fifty 
dollars. Moreover, he paid forty-eight dollars to boot, so 
that he left the shop with only one dollar in money in his 
pocket with which to pay his way to Foufouville. Of 
course he would not be -able to make the purchases for 
Mrs. Strongitharm, but he thought the great bargain he 
had made was a much better investment. Still, as he 
neared the ferry, he began to have some misgivings, for, 
judging the future by the past, it was more than probable 
that, right or wrong, that terrible female would not fail to 
find fault with him. 

Just as he reached the wharf, a well-dressed young man 
suddenly stooped down beside him, and, tapping him on 


the shoulder, told him he had dropped his port-monnaie. 
As he spoke he held up a half-opened pocket-book, which 
he had evidently just picked up, as it was covered with 
fresh mud, and in which Peewit could see large rolls of 
bills, among which he caught a glimpse of two or three of 
the denomination of fifty or one hundred dollars. 

" It is not mine," said Mr. Peewit. 

" It must be yours," answered the stranger. " I saw it 
fall out of your pocket ; just feel again." 

Peewit felt in his pockets, and his eyes glistened as he 
looked at the well-stuffed port-monnaie, but he repeated 
the assertion that it was not his property, although he 
spoke hesitatingly and as if with an effort. 

"I am going to Havana in the Moro Castle at five 
o'clock, and it's half-past four now," said the stranger ; 
" the bills won't be of any use to me in Cuba — metallic 
currency there you know. I am sorry I have not time to 
go to a broker's and exchange them for gold. If I could 
get a couple of hundred dollars for them I would let them 

Now Peewit in all his life had never done a positively 
dishonest act, — it is true he had never been tempted, — 
but the serpent had tendered him the apple at last, and 
there was consequently what fine writers would call " a 
terrible struggle " in his breast ;' but we think this is too 
strong language to apply to the species of ratiocination 
that was going on in his noddle* whereby he succeeded in 
convincing himself that black is white, or at least nothing 
more than a shade of gray. The pocket-book did not 
belong to him ; but neither did it belong to its present 
possessor. If the latter took it to Cuba with him, the 
rightful owner would certainly never see it again, while 

1G2 the pniLOSornERS of foufouville. 

ifhe took it himself, he could return it to the unfortunate 
individual who had lost it, whenever the said unfortunate 
should advertise Lis loss, — which there was little doubt 
of his doing, — and offer a reward proportionate to the 
magnitude of the amount indicated by those thick rolls 
of bills. Then there was a possibility — the thought of 
which fairly made Peewit smile — that the luckless loser 
might not make his mishap publicly known, or, ifhe did, it 
might never be brought to the notice of the fortunate 
Peewit (but this latter idea, was a sort of mental reser- 
vation as it were, — a thought he tried hard not to think, 
though he could not entirely suppress it. But who can 
chide him ? Is man more responsible for his thoughts — 
wrong though they be — than for physical defects? Let 
him who is without guile cast the first stone). Then the 
vision of Mrs. Strongitharm loomed up before him. He 
had not felt entirely at ease at the idea of appearing before 
her without the articles he had been ordered to purchase, 
even though he did show a gold watch instead of a silver 
one ; but he knew that money, like charity, covers a multi- 
tude of sins, and if he could bring a hundred-pounder to 
bear it would effectually silence her batteries. To be sure 
to take the pocket-book might seem somewhat like taking 
advantage of the young man's difficulty ; but such an 
action — as he had often heard — was nothing more than 
the way of the world (and, to tell the whole truth, Peewit, 
the simple Harmonian, felt a peculiar sort of self-com- 
placent gratification at the idea of outwitting a cosmopol- 
itan). The money did not belong to the young man ; he 
was evidently not aware of the large amount contained in 
the pocket-book, and when he should discover it, its 
retention would doubtless be a burden on his conscience ; 


he seemed willing, nay, anxious to part with it, and would 
it not be doing him a positive kindness to relieve him of 
it? So Peewit thought and argued with himself, and 
finally told the young man, in the most disinterested man- 
ner in the world, that unfortunately he did not have two 
hundred dollars about him just at that moment, but that 
he had one dollar and a superb gold watch and chain 
worth not less than one hundred and fifty dollars. 

The young man appeared to hesitate ; but just then the 
bell of a steamer was heard, and, saying it was too bad he 
had not time to go to a broker, he concluded to let the 
packet go for the dollar, the watch and the chain. 

The articles changed hands simultaneously ; but the 
moment the young man examined the watch, he seized 
Peewit — who was making off — by the cuff, saying, — 

"Stop, — this won't do." 

At that moment a policeman appeared, crossing the 
street, and the stranger let go of Peewit's sleeve, and, ex- 
claiming, " D — n the luck ! " hastily left, doubtless from 
the fear of being too late for the Moro Castle. 

Peewit now' hastened towards the ferry-house with a 
countenance radiant with joy ; in fact, his mouth was wide- 
open with a broad grin. It seemed to him as if six inch- 
es had been added to his height. He walked with a proud 
step, cocking his hat over his right eye, for his happiness 
was complete, and, in the elation of the moment, he 
felt like hiring a special ferry-boat. to carry him over to 
Jersey City. 

Approaching the toll-house, he opened wide the pocket- 
book, and from a roll, consisting principally of ten, fifty, 
and one hundred dollar bills, took out a five, which was 
the lowest denomination he could find. On handing it 

1G4 the rniLOsopriEiis of foufouville. 

to the ferry-master, the latter asked him if he had no 
change, and, on his rcptying in the negative, carefully ex- 
amined the bill, then, giving Peewit a sharp, significant 
glance, he winked to somebody in the rear. Instantly a 
policeman seized the unfortunate Harmonian by the coat- 
collar, while another grabbed the pocket-book which he 
still held in his hand. 

" Come along, j-ou bloody counterfeiter," said M. P. No. 
1 ; " we've been a watching for yer this long time." 

It was in vain that poor Peewit expostulated and ex- 
plained and referred, for his respectability, to Dr. Good- 

" Who's he ? " said one of the M. P.'s ; " the head of the 
band, I suppose?" 

" Yes," answered Peewit ; " we look up to him as our 

" He wants to turn State's evidence," said the other po- 
liceman, in a low tone ; " we'll make a good thing of it. 
Where is the fellow's establishment ? " 

" At Foufouville," replied the prisoner. 

No. 1 made a note of this information on a slip of pa- 
per, and then, followed by a hooting, jeering, mocking 
crowd the two guardians of justice dragged the hapless 
Peewit to the nearest station-house. 

" We've nabbed one of 'em at last," they said to the 
magistrate as they entered. " Here's one of the most 
desperate and owdacious of the hull posse of them are 
counterfeiters. Why, he tried to shove the queer right 
under our very eyes." 

"Counterfeiter!" said the justice; "why, he looks 
more like a sneak thief. Where is the evidence ? " 

"Here, sir," said policeman No. 2, handing up the 



pocket-book, " and here is the very identical bill he give 
the ferry-master." 

The justice, a stern, dignified-looking man, with an air 
of imperturbable gravity, glanced severely at the trem- 
bling culprit, and, putting on his spectacles, proceeded to 
examine the bill. Soon the muscles of his face relaxed, 
and a sort of grim smile passed over his countenance. 

" I do not think this is a very dangerons counterfeit," 
said he ; "in fact, I doubt if it is a counterfeit at all in the 
eye of the law." 

The two policeman looked exceedingly disappointed. 
He then held up the bill of which this is a/ac simile, — 


On domaud, will pay to Bearer 

S^ Five Kisses, 

*£•§ Paphos. 

* 55 
■a c o, 

| g Cupid, 

S Cash'r. 

April 1st. 



" I guess it's only a joke," said the judge. 

" No, indeed ; " answered the unfortunate Peewit, " it's 
anything but a joke." 

" In truth it's no joke at all," said policeman No. 2, 
" for the villain offered to turn State's evidence, and I took 
down from his own lips the name of the chief conspirator, 

1G6 tjie rniLOsornERS of foufouville. 

one Goodenough, which I strongly suspicion is nothing 
but an alias of that slippery scoundrel, One-eyed Juke. 
Their operations are carried on secretly by night at Fou- 

" Here is truly some genuine bogus," said the judge, 
opening a roll of bills from the pocket-book ; " the case 
begins to assume a more promising aspect. Lock him up 
for the present in cell No. 6, while we concert measures for 
the arrest of the whole gang." 

So the wretched Peewit, in spite of his entreaties and 
protestations, was incarcerated in cell No. G. This mis- 
erable den was five feet by four in size, and was furnished 
with what had once been a three-legged stool, but of 
which two legs had been broken off. 

The prisoner propped the stool up in a corner, aud, 
seating himself on it very carefully, lest it should slip 
from under him, mused upon the mutability of human 

In about half an hour a seedy-looking individual ap- 
peared at the grating and offered, for a consideration, to 
convey any message he might wish to send to his friends. 
Peewit, having no other paper "about him excepting his 
collar, took it off and wrote on it a few harrowing lines 
to Prof. Malpest descriptive of his forlorn situation. 
The professor, he told the seedy one, would remunerate 
lrini for his trouble. 

In about an hour — which seemed an age to the captive 
— the jailer unlocked the grating, and beckoned to him to 
come out. For a moment hope rose before him, but, like 
the ghost at the museum, the illusion was quickly dis- 
pelled, for, the moment he emerged from the cell, he was 
unceremoniously handcuffed, led into the yard, and, in si- 


lenco and darkness, — for night had fallen and no word 
was spoken, — shoved into a sombre, rectangular vehicle 
that stood before the door. As the prison van had no 
opening whatever for the admission of light, it appeared 
to the excited imagination of Peewit like a hearse, and 
as it was driven rapidly over the stones, a sort of vague 
apprehension seized upon him that he was being hurried 
to execution. He quaked with fear ; but his alarm was 
groundless, for he was merely deposited in the prisoners' 
reception room, — commonly called the receiving vault, 
— at the Tombs. This was an indescribably filthy hole, 
and was doubtless kept in that condition with the humane 
motive of causing the inmate a feeling of positive relief 
when he was removed to a cell. The one in which our 
unlucky Harmonian was finally shut up was furnished 
with a stool, a bench, and a pitcher of water. Here 
he passed o, sleepless night ; but this was not altogether 
on account of the hardness of his bed, that is to 
say, the bench. It was his mental rather than his phys- 
ical troubles that kept him awake, and surely these 
were enough to cause him disquietude. He had lost his 
watch and his money, and rendered himself amenable to 
justice. It is true he was not aware of exactly what 
high crime and misdemeanor he had been guilty ; but this 
incertitude aggravated his uneasiness, especially since it 
was clear he had committed, or at least was suspected of 
having committed, some heinous offence, and should he be 
proven innocent, — which he hardly dared to hope, — it 
would be like jumping from the frying-pan into the fire, 
for he would escape the clutches of the law only to fall 
into those of Mrs. Strongitharm. 
In the morning a slice of brown bread, with a bowl con- 

1C8 THE PniLOSOPnEHS OF fovfouville. 

tabling a liquid that looked like swill, was given to him 
for breakfast ; but he could not eat. His heart was full, 
and his stomach seemed to sympathize with it. Broiled 
partridges would not have tempted his appetite. Hour 
after hour passed wearily away, the captive sitting mood- 
ily on his bench, brooding over his unhappy situation. 
About mid-day an old gentleman, with a- benevolent 
face and a white cravat, looked in at him through the 
gratings with a pitying expression of countenance, and, 
handing him a pamphlet, walked away. The heartsick 
prisoner opened the pamphlet, hoping to find something 
that Avould distract his thoughts from the sorrows of his 
position. What was his disgust when he found that the 
document was a sermon on the sin of theft ! It began 
with the poetical assertion that 

" It is a sin to steal a pin, — 
Much moro to steal a greater thing," 

and demonstrated that thieving Jeads on to crimes of 
greater magnitude, which finally bring the wretch to the 
scaffold. A fearful picture was drawn of the last night. 
of the sinner on earth, and there was a coarse wood-cut 
representing the condemned dangling from the gallows. 

Peewit, who had become morbid from his solitary con- 
finement, was worked up to desperation by this last 
humiliation, and, hardly knowing what he was about, he 
sprang to the grating and yelled with rage after his rev- 
erend would-be benefactor. 

" Where's the insinuatin' caluminator ? " he cried as loud 
as he could bellow. " I don't want his libellous trash. 
I'm an honest man. Come back, — come back, you vile, 


unmitigated slanderer,* you lying serpent, you personal 
reflector ! " 

The good minister, supposing the prisoner had lost his 
wits, almost brqke his neck in hurrying down the steep 
iron stairway in order to make his escape before the 
maniac should break loose and pounce upon him. 

Peewit continued his outcries, but in the midst of them 
two wardens rushed up, and, throwing open the iron door, 
soused him from head to foot with a bucketful of cold 

" We'll teach yer to be obstreperous," said one of 

" You'd better be quiet," said the other, " for if yer 
don't we'll jes' turn the whole Croton reservoir on yer, we 

Poor Peewit was completely cowed by the showe^bath, 
and, throwing himself down on the bench, he covered his 
face with his hands and groaned in spirit. 

Professor Malpest made his appearance not long after- 
wards, accompanied by an advocate of the firm of Sharpe 
& Kean, Attorneys and Counsellors at Law. 

" Why, Peewit, my boy," said he, " you seem to be in a 
sorrjr plight. What's the matter ? " 

The crestfallen and thoroughly humbled Peewit, who 
looked like a drowned rat, moaned in anguish, for the 
tone of persiflage in which the professor addressed him 
seemed like a mockery of his misery. 

He told his sorrowful tale, and concluded by express- 
ing the conviction that he would be unable to survive an 
imprisonment of more than a year, and begging to know 
if some one would not intercede with the governor to 


procure Lis pardon ; at which both the unsympathizing 
professor and the lawyer burst out laughing. 

" You are in a very tight place," said the professor, as- 
suming a serious air. " I am glad I don't stand in your 
shoes, for you will he lucky if you escape the knot. Noth- 
ing can he more dangerous than to tamper with the hank 
of True Love. "When the president of that institution 
once catches a man he does not easily let go his grip. 
He is an inexorable jailer, and the cashier has been so 
often imposed upon by counterfeiters (after gold you 
know), that he is always on the watch for victims. His 
favorite mode of execution is by shooting the unfortu- 
nates through the heart. They often suffer untold an- 

This fearful picture of his possible fate so affected Pee- 
wit, that, partly from alarm for the future, and partly from 
present cold caused by his drenched clothing, he quivered 
and quaked from head to foot. 

The lawyer had more compassion than the professor, 
for, taking him by the hand he led him out of the cell and 
told him in a kindly tone to be of good cheer, for his case 
was not yet quite desperate. 

Eventually the unfortunate gentleman was taken before 
a magistrate, and, it being clearly proved that he was the 
victim of misplaced confidence, the charge against him 
was dismissed, and he returned to Foufouville the same 
da}-, a sadder and a wiser man. 

We will spare the reader an account of his meeting 
with Mrs. Strongitharm. 

The doctor, as may be supposed, could not forego so 
favorable an opportunit}' of giving his flock a discourse 
on the advantages of remaining secluded in the true fold 


at Harmony Hall, instead of exposing their innocence to 
the manifold perils and dangers of the outside world. 

The disasters that had happened to brother Joseph he 
hoped would be a lesson to the whole community. 

It may be proper to mention, that Peewit said nothing 
about his interview with the female astrologer. 

172 the rniLOSornEns of foufoufille. 


Tlie Doctor invests in the Fine Arts. 

We remember once in our boyhood, seeing a juggling 
clown at a circus toss three or four balls up in the air one 
after the other, anil repeating the operation quickly with 
each one in succession as it came down, keep them all 
going at the same time for several minutes. All at once 
he stopped his performance, and stood holding out one 
hand and looking up into the air, as if one of the balls, 
which had gone up, had failed to come down. We can 
never forget our amazement when we first saw the trick, 
nor the impression, which remained on our mind for an 
indefinite period of time, that that ball was still pursuing 
its upward flight towards the zenith, perhaps never again 
to be seen by mortal eyes. 

Now we cannot entirely free ourself from a sort of ill- 
defined apprehension that in the management of this 
narrative the reader may suspect us of imposing upon 
him a kind of literary sleight-of-hand. In the beginning 
we exhibited our balls — that is to say, our characters — 
to the public ; in the third chapter we set them in motion 
and got them all in a beautiful whirl ; we kept them 
pretty well in sight for ten or twenty pages or more ; but 
in the fifth chapter we showed decided symptoms of break- 
ing down ; and, by the end of the sixth, one of them at 
least, Charity, had been entirely lost sight of. 

Lcander we left sittinsr on a stone in the middle of the 


melon-patch, and we believe that Charity vanished from 
view going into her room several chapters back ; but it 
was so long since that we really are not certain about it. 
Now this apparent neglect of a young lady and gentle- 
man whom many will doubtless regard as the hero and 
heroine of our book, may perhaps be considered by some 
as a defect, in a literary point of view, and were we writ- 
ing a mere work of fiction, we should endeavor to keep the 
most interesting characters — that is to say, those who 
love each other the most — prominently before the reader ; 
but inasmuch as we have not undertaken our task in 
order to afford amusement to a few lackadaisical young 
women, but for the purpose of laying before the world an 
impartial statement of facts, we shall continue as we have 
begun, and shall jot down those incidents that we judge 
worthy of being recorded for the benefit of posterity, in 
chronological order, and just as they actually occurred, 
without making the slightest effort to diminish the truth, 
or to enhance its interest and effect by postponing the 
marrying and killing until the last page. 

The records of what took place at the phalanstery dur- 
ing the convention week, when more than one-half 
the Harmonians were absent, are, we regret to say, quite 
meagre '; but inasmuch as Mr. Lovell and Charity were 
left almost alone in the house, we presume that time must 
have hung heavily on their hands. "We also infer (and 
there are corroborating circumstances to support our in- 
ference) that it was about this time that the doctor, visit- 
ing the city on business connected with his enterprise, 
happened to pass by the auction rooms of Messrs. 
Tuanhaff & Bangs, during a sale of some valuable orig- 
inal old paintings imported by Moses Levy & Co., the 


well-known German house. The doctor now recollected 
that Charity had complained of the gloomy appearance 
of the dark, bare walls in the large rooms at Harmony 
Hall, and the thought occurred to him that some of the 
fine pictures he saw put up for sale — such as " The Grill- 
ing of St. Lawrence," " The Stoning of St. Stephen," " The 
Martyrdom of the Eleven Thousand Virgins," and others — 
would give a different aspect to the blank spaces. So he 
entered the room and ranged himself among the bidders. 

. . . . The doctor's purchases arrived at Harmony 
Hall on the very day when the members of the society 
who had attended the Convention had all returned from 
the city. The old gentleman's glowing account of his 
prizes excited the curiosity of all, and consequently the 
whole community was present when the huge cases were 
opened by John Long. The doctor stood by, catalogue 
in hand. " Ha ! " he exclaimed, as the front of a case was 
removed. "Look at that. There you behold something 
that it is a pleasure to gaze upon. Listen to the de- 

" ' 116. Cain Slaying Abel, — 64 by 87. Anacronismo 
Florentini. 15th Century. A glorious masterpiece. 
Abel has just been felled like an ox, and his blood and 
brains are gushing out. Cain stands a-straddle of the 
body, horror-struck. His eye is glaring wildly, the con- 
sciousness of his awful crime having just burst upon him. 
In his trembling hand he still grasps the club covered 
with the clotted blood and hair of his victim. On his 
brow is a great black mark. 

" ' This touching picture is full of that delicacy of con- 
ception and treatment so characteristic of this master.' " 


" Papa," said Charity, turning away her head, " this is 
a horrible thing. I can't bear to look at it." 

"You lack appreciation, my dear," answered the doc- 
tor. " For the enjoyment of such works you must be 
educated up to it. What can be finer than that execu- 

" The better the execution, the worse the picture would 
appear to me," said Charity. " How can a picture be 
attractive when the subject is repulsive? " 

" Your very disgust," said the doctor, " is a proof of 
the artist's skill. It was his object to excite powerful (\ ' 
emotions in the breast of the spectator, and he has done 
it. But you women have no judgement or appreciation. 
Your sainted mother was just like you. Notice the fore- 
shortening of that club, and notice how the face of Cain 
is shown only in profile as if he were ashamed to look at 
his fellow-man. And then the accessories. Consider the 
depth of imagination displayed by them. In the distance 
you see an arch of triumph, typical of the triumph of 
virtue over vice, and it is copied from the arch of Con- 
stantine, which proves the artist's historical knowledge, 
for Constantine was the first Christian emperor. On the 
right hand you have the ruins of a Doric temple and a 
Turkish mosque, which are symbolical of the ruin of 
false religions, and on the left hand is a flourishing tree, — 
I cannot exactly make out of what kind, — which is in- 
tended to signify that the true faith shall never wither." 

" It is a wonderful work, a wonderful work," said Pro- 
fessor Malpest standing off about twenty feet, and look- 
ing through his glass with one eye, while he closed the 
other with what appeared very much like a wink of de- 


"What is that they are cooking?" inquired Mr. Pee- 

" Sir," answered Mrs. Strongitharm, " if you cannot 
speak without displaying your ignorance, you had better 
remain silent." 

" I once saw an engraving of the same subject, from a 
design by a French artist," said Lovell, " in which the 
body of Abel was partly concealed by the altar, the painter 
having evidently concentrated his efforts on the expres- 
sion given to the face of Cain. In my humble opinion 
it was a better composition than this, for it did not create 
any unpleasant feelings." 

" That proves the inferiority of the Frenchman," an- 
swered the doctor. " Here the strongest emotions 
of the human breast are provoked, — horror, aversion, 

" I thought love was the strongest," murmured Miss 
Griffin ; but she spoke in so low a tone that her remark 
was not overheard. 

Long now opened another case. 

" Here we have a gem," said the doctor. 

"'214. Landscape with Cattle, — 48 by 5G. Sebastian 
del Negrotinto — Spanish school. 

" ' A lovely picture of Arcadian life.' 

""What say j^ou to that my friends? those trees, and 
rocks, and mountains, and water are thrown together in 
the most miscellaneous manner. Did you ever see any- 
thing like it in this country ? " 

" Never," answered Professor Malpest. " Never." 

" Were the skies green, and the leaves of the trees 
black in Sebastian's time ? " inquired Mr. Peewit. 

" Ignorant man ! " replied the doctor, " don't you know 


that this is the peculiar style of the Spanish school ? Artists 
in those days did not content themselves with a servile 
copy of nature, — they drew upon their imagination." 

Professor Malpest hinted that doubtless the colors had 
become darkened from the effects of time, the chemistry 
of pigments not having been well understood in former 

" There is, perhaps, a slight change due to that cause," 
answered the doctor ; " but the colors of the foreground 
were made dark originally in order to give distance to 
the background." 

" But the background is dark, too," said Peewit. 

" That," replied the doctor, " is for the purpose of pre- 
serving the same tone throughout the picture. Would 
you have your breeches black in front and blue behind ? 
It is astonishing how little knowledge of art there is in 
this country. Our Churches, Bierstadts, Kensetts, Giff- 
ords, Durands, and Gineux don't paint like that." 

" I acknowledge they do not, sir," said Mr. Lovell. 

" A picture that truly resembled nature would please 
me more than this one," said Charity. " Not that I 
would have an artist copy every stick and stone and blade 
of grass, but I would have the general effect as it is in 

" That is because you are wanting in the ideal," replied 
her father ; " but you can't help it. She was so before 
you. I have occasionally glanced at the landscapes in 
our modern exhibitions, but, pooh ! what are they ? Look 
at those cows. Did you ever see such cows? I never 
did. And then, the trees ! " 

"What kind are they, sir? " asked Peewit. 

" Of no particular kind, sir," answered the doctor. 


"A painter is not a botanist. With these great men, 
trees were simply conventional vegetation." 

" Here is a pooty pictur'," said John Long. " It 
reminds me like of me owl moother in Llannwyddrygg, 
over agin Ben Caernclwyd." 

" It's a gem ! " cried the doctor, " a gem ! 

" ' 71. —Interior 14 by 19, Paul Daub. Dutch School. 

" ' An exquisitely finished scene of domestic life. An 
old woman knitting ; every thread of the ball of 3 r arn is 
distinct ; a cat is at her feet, — admire the hairs in the 
tail; overhead, a parrot eating a peanut, — the latter 
should be examined through a magnifying glass. Shelves, 
cups, saucers, and pewter spoons fill up the rest of this 
charming work of art.' 

" There, my fine critics, there is reality for you ! What 
can equal that for truth ? " 

"A photograph," answered Lovell. 

" Pshaw ! Mere mechanical work," replied the doctor. 
" What sentiment, what feeling is there in a photograph? 
Here you can figure to yourself the patient and laborious 
artist, working early and late for months over the creation 
of his genius. Why, there is a day's work on that peanut. 
Think of the lime, think of the time necessary for such 
minute finish." 

'< I think it could have been better employed, sir," 
answered Lovell. 

"Perhaps, then, you prefer the 'grand' style," replied 
the doctor. '< Well, here you have it. The very perfec- 
tion of high art. 

'" G8.— Prometheus. 114 by 156. Taddeo Macca- 
roni. School of Naples. 


" ' A grand conception. All is dark, gloomy, and sub- 
lime. The only specimen of this master in the country.' 

" There is inspiration, there is force, there is power. 
. Consider the chiaro-oscuro." 

Mr. Peewit said he could see the oscuro, but could not 
make out the chiaro. He supposed it was a night scene. 

" No, sir. It is broad day," said the doctor. 

"Then it must be a very cloudy day," answered Mr. 
Peewit, "for I can't see anything but a colored man on 
his back, and a bird pecking at him. Everything is 

" Mark the skilful management of the lights," said the 
doctor. " How the muscles are brought out ! " 

" And the innerds, too," answered Peewit ; " the bird is 
a-devourin' of 'em. Ugh ! It makes me sick." 

" That picture is a poem, an epic poem," said the 

" What kind of a poem is that? " inquired Mr. Peewit. 

" If you want to know," replied Mr. Lovell, "you must 
read Swift's directions for making one." 

" Now," said the doctor, " we come to the greatest 
bargain of all, a ' Virgin and Child,' by Eaphael. That 
painting cost me sevent3'-five dollars, sir, seventy-five 
dollars (including frame), and warranted original by 
Tuanhaff himself. There is a copy in the Pitti palace at 
Florence. What do you think of that ? " 

" No one can say anything against Raphael," answered 

" The design is certainly charming," said Miss Griffin. 

" I can see nothing to admire in it," said Mrs. Strong- 

180 tiie rniLosornERS of foufouville. 

" The child," said Charity, " is beautiful." 

"It's the lady who takes my eye," observed Peewit. 
" She is perfectly angelic. You can see it was painted 
from the life. No man could imagine such a face. It is 
clearly an original portrait." 

" Of an Italian contarini," remarked Professor Malpest. 
" The composition (being similar to that of the picture in 
the Pitti palace) is really most beautiful, and the flow of 
the lines is perfect." 

" I knew I had got a cheap thing when I bought it," 
said the doctor ; " and here we have a companion piece, 
' The Immaculate Conception,' by Domcnichino. There 
is a perfect facsimile of it (as to the design) in the 
Louvre. It is uncertain which of the two is the original, 
but I think there can be no doubt on the subject, for you 
see the master's name there in one corner in large 

" Domcnichino," said Professor Malpest, " is universal- 
ly acknowledged to have been one of the greatest painters 
that ever lived." 

" I don't clearly comprehend the subject of this picture," 
said Peewit. 

" Of course not," replied the doctor. " It is entirely 
beyond your depth ; but, behold what is coming ! 

" ' 82. — Head, supposed to be a portrait of Cardinal 
Bembo. Michael Angelo. 

" ' This remarkable chef cVceuvre, unquestionably the 
finest specimen of this great master in America, was dis- 
covered while clearing out the rubbish from the garret 
of a pawnbroker's shop, over the Cloaca Maxima, Rome. 
It is so very much injured l)y the ravages of time, that it 
is difficult to make out whether it is intended for a male 


or a female head ; but this only adds to its value in the 
eyes of the connoisseur. Its authenticity is beyond dis- 
pute, the well-known monogram, Vy^B ^ em » plainly 
visible in the left-hand corner." 

"Mark the fire of that eye," continued the doctor, 
" (what a pity the other is so indistinct !) — and observe 
the force of the lines about the mouth, what power is dis- 
played in them ! The touch of the master is displayed in 
every line. Our Elliots, and Inmans, and Bakers don't 
exhibit such heads as that." 

" They are quite incapable of it," said Professor Mal- 

" I can see little or nothing that is attractive in a 
faded, cracked, and dust-covered picture," said Charity ; 
" for no matter how good it may have been when first 
painted, its beauties have become marred, if not quite 
obliterated. A real face is not considered as being im- 
proved by cracks or wrinkles and loss of color ; and I 
cannot understand why a painted one should be." 

" That," answered her father, " is because you are too 
realistic. The connoisseur, in his mind's eye, sees the 
cracks filled up ; the color restored ; the work, in short, as 
it came fresh from the easel of the master." 

" It's a pity," said Mr. Peewit, " that we can't do that 
with the real thing ; for then a man could always see his 
wife as she looked when he was courting her ; and if he 
had a particularly vivid imagination, he might even fancy 
she was somebody else." 

" Beauty, in the living subject, is only skin-deep," said 
Professor Malpest, " and time effaces it ; but in art, the 
ruins sometimes excite more admiration (or, at all events, 


more commendation) than would have been given to the 
uninjured work." 

" Art, then, in this respect is superior to Nature," said 

"Yes," said Lovell ; "if wc are to give credence to 
men's imagination or vanity." 

" I understand how the former can deceive," said Char- 
ity ; " but I fail to perceive what vanity has to do with 

" A cracked and defaced picture, or a battered and 
broken torso is found," answered Lovell, " and artists go 
into raptures over it. They think, by professing un- 
bounded admiration for a mere remnant, to astonish the 
million by their profound knowledge of Art. I suppose 
that head, sir, was valued at a high price ? " 

" Thirty-three dollars, I paid for it," answered the doc- 
tor, " thirtj'-three dollars ; and it was considered cheap at 

" I think it was very dear," said Peewit, " a daguerreo- 
type of Beinbo would have been more satisfactory, for it 
would have shown us how the fellow looked." 

" There is a charming head of Cupid in the windows of 
Kullers & Printz, that I would much rather have than this 
hideous old Cy clops," said Miss Griffin. 

" I could understand your preference," said Mrs. 
Strongitharm, " if the parties were in the flesh ; but re- 
member tbey are works of Art, not of Nature." 

" That which is the most beautiful in Nature must ap- 
pear the most beautiful in the representation of it," 
answered Miss Griffin; "thus a portrait of yourself, 
madam, would hardly be as attractive as that of a good- 


looking woman ; in fact, the more it was like, the less it 
would be admired." 

A withering glance was the response of Mrs. btrong- 

itharm. , . 

» Here is a magnificent work," said the doctor, who 
was too much absorbed in the contemplation of his prizes 
to notice the passage-at-arms between the ladies. 

« < 26. Marriage at Cana, - 160 by 210. -Unknown. 

Flemish School. 

« ' This superb painting formerly adorned the collection 
of Brian Boru, King of Ulster, and was brought to this 
country by his last-known descendant, Patrick O'Brien, 
Esq., who, having compromised himself in the Fenian 
movement of '98 (when he heroically endeavored to 
recover his lost rights), was obliged to fly to this country, 
and died some years since in Arkansas, where he was 
sheriff of Pikeville. 

» ' Many of our best artists have expressed their opin- 
ions of this grand work. The figures are all the size of 
life. Some attribute it to Leonardo da Vinci, others to 
Teniers, and others again to Titian, for it possesses the 
merits of all three.' " 

« What an interesting scene ! " said Miss Griffin. 

" Why, all hands are drunk !" said Peewit. 

"You mean inebriated, I presume," said Mrs. Strong- 


" Some of the positions may seem equivocal," said the 
doctor; "but the artist merely meant to indicate the 
hilarity attendant on the joyous occasion." 

" How superbly the bride is dressed ! " said Miss 
Griffin ; " what a pity those leg-of-mutton sleeves have 
gone o'ut of fashion ! and those laces, how rich they are ! 


and how much those red high-heeled shoes add dignity to 
woman ; they give her elevation." 

"I pity a woman," said Mrs. Strongitharm, "whose 
reputation depended on her heels, like a ballet-dancer's." 

" Some people wouldn't have any," answered Miss 
Griffin, " even if they were mounted on stilts." 

"Loftiness of soul, my dear sisters," said the doctor, 
"is of more consequence than elevation of body, and you 
acquire it by the contemplation of such a work as this. 
Look at the bride. I should pronounce her most excel- 
lent in conception, though the groom is perhaps the hap- 
piest figure in the group ; and in that female, standing on 
the left, their is food for an hour's study." 

"Yes," said Miss Griffin, "I was contemplating that 
heavy yellow satin gown, and those rich point laces." 

"They must have cost a heap," said Peewit. "But 
what queer head-gear they have ! One of them has on 
something that looks like a pair of horns, and another an 
immense extinguisher." 

"That," said Professor Malpest, "was the female cos- 
tume in the fourteenth century." 

" And the men wore women's collars, I see," said 
Peewit ; " but where are their breeches? " 

"Probably," answered Lovell, " the ladies are wearing 
them, as some do to this day." 

"No, no," said Peewit, " they have got them tucked 
up above the thighs like clam-diggers." 

" Let me call your attention to the architectural de- 
tails," said the doctor. "See that spire pointing up- 
wards, signifying that even on the wedding-day we should 
direct our thoughts above. In the distance are arches on 
arches, and colonnade after colonnade." 


" What a magnificent city Cana was ! " said Mr. Pee- 
wit. " It must have been larger than Eome." 

" And mark the transparency of shadow," continued 
the doctor, " and the luminous arrangement of the 

" Particularly in the window of the transept," said 

"That tracery," said the doctor, "is a study for an 
architect ; it is a remarkably pure specimen of the flam- 
boyant Gothic style." 

" "What talented fellows the Goths of Cana must have 
been ! " said Peewit. " Why, there's the Pope ! " 

"Imbecile ! " muttered Mrs. Strongitharm. 

" That is doubtless intended for a Jewish Rabbi," said 
the doctor, " although the costume does resemble that of 
the Romish hierarchy ; but how rich is the color, how deep 
the tone ! It seems painted as it were with fused gems." 

" The ear-rings, of the bride are exquisite," said Charity. 

" And the old clock in the corner," said the doctor ; 
" how familiar it looks ! and take note of the brilliant 
idea, — it marks one o'clock, symbolical of the fact that 
the married pair are one." 

" But one hand points to twelve," observed Peewit. 

" That," said the doctor with some hesitation, " that 
is typical of the future happy results of the union." 

"What's this? What's this?" exclaimed several at 

" This," said the doctor, turning over a leaf, " is the 

"'379. Fall into Limbo,— 72 by 84 — Pietro Pin- 
toretto. Time of Dante. 

" ' The damned are seen tumbling down, head first, 
sideways and in every possible position, arms and legs 

18G the rniLOSornEns of foufouville. 

protruding on all sides. This is the picture so finely 
characterized by Sir Joshua Reynolds as an " avalanche 
of flesh." The devil is seen below stirring up his fires, 
throwing on the brimstone, and getting ready his grid- 
irons and ovens. The dove hovers overhead in a trian- 
gular cage. Numbers of the lost are imploring for 
mercy, but the Lamb glares at them ferociously, and St. 
Peter averts his head, as if he was shaking it negatively 
and saying, " You can't come in.' " 

" "What a dreadful imagination that painter must have 
had ! " said Miss Griffin. 

"It is truly a fearful thing to contemplate," said the 
doctor ; " and what a lesson it teaches us ! " 

" Several lessons," said Lovell. 

" I cannot bear to look at it," said Miss Griffin. 

" See what a knowledge of anatomy is displayed," said 
the doctor ; " it is Nature itself." 

Miss Griffin did not answer. 

" "We cannot be sure of that," said Lovell, " without 
seeing the living models in the exact positions here repre- 
sented, and that would not be easy to accomplish, for 
some of the figures have got their limbs twisted together 
(as if they were trying to tie themselves into hard knots) 
in a way not possible to any but Japanese jugglers, and 
others are trying through the air in postures seen only in 
Hindoo devotees who swing themselves fifty feet above 
ground, hooked through the back." 

"How thankful we should be," said the doctor, " that 
we are on the true road to glory ! Behold, in this picture, 
how few are saved, and how many lost, notwithstanding 
the efforts that have been made to rescue fallen man." 


" The devil must be the most powerful of all," said 

" Here," said the doctor, " we have a very early work, 
and consequently very valuable. 

" ' 24. Circumcision. (Tempera, w. g. b. g. 34 by 60.) 
Fra Domenic. About 1200. 

"'A most pleasing performance. The heads (all in 
profile) are excellent in design, the expression of the 
child undergoing the operation being particularly happy. 
Among the fine points we would call the amateur's atten- 
tion to the knife, on which is seen a drop of blood. A 
young woman watches the proceedings with breathless in- 

" And this will do for a companion piece to it. 

" ' 18. Flagellation. (Fresco, 46 by 5*2).. Perugino Pa- 
letto. 1287—1329. 

" ' The peculiar style of the period (before Raphael had 
debased the art) is here shown in all its perfection. The 
flesh has that fine light-bluish tint seen only in Ameri- 
can marble. The figures are slightly idealized (being 
about thirteen heads in height), and the limbs are straight 
and rigid as becomes the subject. The little finger of the 
left hand of the principal figure is particularly well done. 
The expression of Pontius Pilate is masterly, the emo- 
tions of rage, hatred, and delight being shown in every 
lineament. The culverin in the back ground, astride of 
which is a 'Roman standard bearer, is extremely interest- 
ing, as proving that fire-arms were known in the time of 
Paletto.' " 

" This is a painful picture," said Charity. 
" It would be more so," answered Peewit, " if they did 
not all seem to be taking it so coolly." 


"These subjects,*' said the doctor, "were chosen in 
order to do honor to the Almighty, which shows the ele- 
vation of sentiment possessed by the artists of that time. 
To appreciate them fully you must look at them with the 
eye of Faith." 

" My taste," said Mr. Peewit, " is for mythological 
subjects. I love to look at Venuses." 

" That simply shows that your taste is depraved and 
needs cultivation," said Mrs. Strongitharm. 

" Here," said the doctor, " is a mere modern work that 
I inadvertently allowed myself to be inveigled into bid- 
ding for. It represents a pack of hounds, — in distem- 
per, — after Sir Edwin Landseer." 

"They don't look like mad dogs," observed Mr. Pee- 
wit ; " and where's Sir Ed " 

" Peewit ! Peewit ! " said Mrs. Strongitharm. 

" I could swear," said John Long, " they was portraits 
like of the dogs of Sir Owen ap Jones, whose kennel I 
kept at Glennw}'grig ; it a'most seems as if I could hear 
'em bark." 

"IIow perfectly natural are the attitudes!" remarked 

" That shows the superiority of the old masters," re- 
plied the doctor. " This thing is nothing but a copy 
from Nature ; there is no art whatever visible in it." 

" Sir," said Mr. Lovell, " I would rather possess a pup 
of Landseer's, than a pre-Raphaelite virgin." . 

" What kind of a virgin is that?" inquired Mr. Peewit. 

" A very old one," answered Professor Malpest. 

"A sort of old ma — " Mr. Peewit's words were cut 
short by a frown from Mrs. Strongitharm. 

" Here is a glorious work," cried the doctor. 


" < 13. Susannah and the Elders. 108 by 120. After 

" ' This is a faithful copy by Von Beest, of the cele- 
brated picture in the well-known gallery of Count Lackin- 
witz, near Antwerp. Although a mere copy, the exquisite 
delicacy and refinement of the original, is preserved 

" ' The proportions of Susannah are colossal. There 
is nothing here of the pettiness of the modern French 
school, but everything is on a grand scale, majestic, sub- 
lime, like the mind of the master. The flesh is warm in 
tone, and hangs down in thick folds. (Winkleman calls 
it " flabby.") The drapery which lies at her feet is beau- 
tifully done, and so is the piece of soap on the edge of 
the bath-tub,' — a remarkable instance of the care be- 
stowed by this great man on his accessories. 

" ' The two sly elders show by the direction in which 
they are pointing, and by the expression of their coun- 
tenances, that their curiosity is being amply gratified. 
The one who is sticking out his tongue deserves the high- 
est admiration, but both figures are in the best style of 
art, the action being especially worthy of commenda- 
tion.' " 

" That's my style," exclaimed Peewit. " That's what 
I call a picture." 

" Von Beest's genius," said Professor Malpest, " seems 
to have spread itself there, to have borne him along as it 
were, under full canvas, with all colors flying." 

" And laid on with a free brush," said the doctor. 

" Regardless of expense," put in Peewit. 

" And yet," continued the doctor, " notwithstanding 

190 tjte rnizosoruERS of foufouville. 

the force, the energy displayed, what touching sentiment, 
what :i feeling of refinement pervades the whole ! " 

" It is the only picture that has excited my emotions," 
said Peewit; '• but what a whopper Susan is! How I 
should like to have seen her ! " 

The enthusiastic Peewit, becoming suddenly conscious 
that he had said more than prudence dictated, cast a fur- 
tive glance behind him ; but his fears were groundless, Mrs. 
Strongitharm having left the room with the other ladies. 

"It is a gorgeous work," said Professor Malpest, 
standing off at a distance, and looking as much as possi- 
ble lost in admiration. 

" Whatever may be the merits of the execution," said 
Lovell, " the design, in my opinion, is simply beastly." 

" That," said the doctor, " is because your judgment 
has not been educated up to the appreciation of High Art. 
The true admirer of the old masters can see no fault in 
them ; he looks through the subject, as it were, and sees 
only the genius displayed in its portrayal." 

" But an artist of refinement," answered Lovell, " would 
cither not select a coarse subject, or, if he did, he would 
so treat it as to conceal any want of delicacy in it. The 
beautiful picture of Diana and her Nymphs, by Professor 
Sohn, is an exemplification of my remark." 

" Pooh ! " said the doctor. " The modern German 

" I consider Steinbruck's Adoration of the Magi the 
finest composition on that subject I ever saw," said Lovell. 

" And yet," answered the doctor, " you have beheld 
the glorious conceptions of Signorelli and Squarcione ! " 

" There is no reason," replied Lovell, " to suppose that 
the human mind has degenerated during the last five cen- 


turies ; on the contrary, considering the advances that 
have been made in civilization, it appears to me to have 
improved ; but, even granting that it has remained in 
statu quo — " 

" Like the Apollo Belvidere," suggested Peewit. 

" In statu quo" continued Lovell, without heeding the 
interruption, " artists of the present day have many advan- 
tages over their predecessors of the olden time. They 
have the same beautiful nature around them and the 
works of good masters to study from, with the writings 
of able critics to guide them, besides some minor advan- 
tages in regard to materials. Among the ' old masters/ 
which, in the popular estimation, means every one who 
handled a brush some hundreds of years ago, I presume 
there was just about the same proportion of good to bad 
painters as at present ; but as a class I do not believe 
that they were superior in ability to the men of our day, 
while, in regard to artificial acquirements, the latter have 
the advantage. Macaulay says that as far as human in- 
telligence is concerned, we are the true ancients, those 
who lived in the early ages being the j'ouths." 

" Then," said Peewit, " Methusaleh was a youth at nine 
hundred and sixty-nine years of age." 

"In knowledge, yes," replied Lovell. "Now the fine 
works of the old masters — and the bad ones too — 
have long been collected in the galleries of Europe, com- 
mented on by critics, and the place of all of them noted. 
It is a very rare occurrence for a new one to be discovered, 
and, when this happens, the fact is at once heralded over 
the continent, and, good or bad, it brings a very high 
price ; yet hundreds of pictures bearing the names of 
well-known early masters are annually imported into New 

192 the rniLOsopnEns of foufouville. 

York. These may be divided into five classes, with the 

per rentage of each as follows, — 

" 1st. Bad copies of bad originals, 80, worthless. 
"2d. Bad copies of good originals, 15, " 

"3d. Good copies of bad originals, 3, " 

"4th. Good copies of good originals, 2, of some value. 
" 5th. Original works of old masters, 0. 


"Why do you speak of the fifth class as ' imported'?" 
asked the professor. 

" If I were tp answer you like an old Greek philoso- 
pher," replied Lovell, " I should say that the fifth class 
was ' nothing ' and ' nothing ' was imported ; but I have a 
better reason. I believe that occasionally stray bona 
fide originals (usually very inferior ones) do find their 
way into our market ; but the percentage of these is such 
a mere fraction that I felt justified in marking it in the 
above classification. 

" Besides the above, there are also imported for sale 
great numbers of acknowledged modern paintings. 
These may be classed and divided as follows, — 

"1st. Bad pictures by students or artists, 70. 

unsalable in Europe. 

" 2d. Good pictures by students or inferior artists, 0. 

" 3d. Inferior pictures by good artists (' Homer 

sometimes nods '), 20. 

" 4th. Good pictures by good artists, 8. 

" 5th. Fine works by artists of reputation, 2. 



" Copies, which sometimes resemble caricatures, of su- 
perior modern works which have become popular through 
the medium of engravings are weekly, if not daily, sold 
in auction rooms almost by wholesale. These are not im- 
ported, but are copied, in New York, from engrav- 
ings, the artisan being paid for his work at the rate 
of about one dollar a foot. I have seen parties pur- 
chase these daubs under the impression that they were 
buying the originals." 

" Is not all this rather beneficial than otherwise?" said 
the professor. " Does it not cultivate a taste for art? " 

" It is about as beneficial," answered Lovell, " as it 
would be to cultivate weeds in a garden." 

" Admitting, for the sake of argument, that what you 
say is true," said the doctor, " then but few persons in 
this country have any opportunity of gratifying their 
artistic tastes." 

" Fine engravings can be had," answered Lovell, " and 
I am sure that a good engraving of a good picture is 
better than a bad copy or a bad original, and besides, 
many excellent paintings by Americans are annually ex- 
hibited. Our landscape painters, in my opinion, have no 
superiors. If old Andrea del Sarto, or Giotto, or any of 
those who came not long after them, had painted the 
' Heart of the Andes,' or the ' Storm in the Rocky Moun- 
tains,' those truthful and most beautiful works would be 
worth their weight in gold (frames and all) ; whole vol- 
ums would be written about them, and dictionaries ran- 
sacked to find terms strong enough to express their 

" But the works of the early painters," said Professor 
Malpest, " are interesting as showing the progress of art." 

194 tiie rniLosoriiERS of foufouville. 

" Yes," answered Lovcll ; " and matchlock muskets are 
interesting as showing the progress of fire-arms ; but a 
sportsman would not value one as highly as a breech- 

" That is not a parallel case," replied the professor ; 
" for an antiquarian might prize what a sportsman would 
not ; and, if there was as much gratification to the vanity 
in possessing a collection of old Spanish or Flemish mus- 
ketoons, we would soon see them encumbering our walls, 
and imitations would be manufactured by wholesale." 

" Now you have hit it," said Lovell ; "in order to 
gratify a petty vanity, founded on ignorance, we are 
unjust to our fellow-countrymen." 

" I am glad ol it," said Mrs. Strongitharm, who entered 
the room in time to hear the latter part of the sentence ; 
" for it may make some of them feel for the wrongs of 
their fellow-countrywomen." 

" The city women have the hardest time," said Pee- 

This started the conversation on a new tack, — to 
speak nautically, — but our profound respect for the uni- 
ties induces us to withhold it. Enough, however, has been 
given to enable the reader to draw several important in- 
ferences. In the first place, it is clear from Mr. LovelPs 
conversing in an amicable manner with Professor Malpest, 
that his blood-thirsty intentions in regard to that gen- 
tleman had become considerably modified. This we 
attribute to the influence of Charity, when they were left 
together during the convention week. In the second 
place, it is probable that the ignorance of art and want 
of appreciation shown by Mr. Lovell must have created 
an unfavorable impression against him in the mind of the 


doctor, especially when Ms presumptuous language was 
contrasted with the suavity and deep feeling for antiquity 
manifested by the professor. In the third place, we see 
that Mrs. Strongitharm and Miss Griffin still continued 
their bickerings, thereby demonstrating that the resent- 
ment of woman is more abiding: than that of man. 



Lively Times at Harmony Hall. 

The next morning it was resolved to mow the grass on 
the lawn in front of the house. This task fell to the lot 
of Mr. Peewit, for, as Mrs. Strongitharm observed, he 
and Mr. Lovell had undertaken to do the " light out-door 
work," and Mr. L. was at that time busily engaged in 
planting turnips, assisted by Miss Charity. So Peewit 
reluctantl3 r took up the scythe. He began operations by 
slightly cutting" his fingers in honing the implement, and 
being thereby convinced that it was sharp enough to set 
to work. After the first swoop of the scythe he stopped, 
and, visibly agitated, examined his legs, for he had a sort 
of nervous apprehension that he might cut them off. 
Finding them safe he made a second swoop, but the grass 
being rather short the blade passed above it, cutting 
harmlessly through the circumambient air. At the third 
stroke, he cut down the doctor's favorite peach sapling ; 
at the fourth, the steel struck against a large stone, 
making the sparks fly, rebounding, and causing poor 
Peewit's arms to experience a sensation as though they had 
received a strong electric shock, his elbows feeling as if 
pricked by a thousand needles. He looked around pite- 
ously, in a bewildered state of mind, but, seeing the sharp 
ej^es of Mrs. Strongitharm fixed upon him, he went to 
work again vigorously, or, to speak more correctly, des- 
perately, slashing away right and left, sending the small 


stones flying in all directions, making deep grooves in the 
grass and in the ground, while tufts were left standing 
here and there, like the hair of a child's head which has 
been cut at home to save paying a shilling to a barber. 
The perspiration was streaming from him, but he kept on, 
heedless of consequences, though dreading every moment 
to find himself standing on his stumps. Jack, the poodle, 
excited by his awkward gyrations, leaped from the arms 
of his mistress and began to bark at him furiously, caper- 
ing about, evidently much diverted by the performance ; but 
the mower, who neither saw nor heard anything, slashed 
away with his terrible weapon, hacking through grass, 
stones, sticks, and earth. All at once he was startled by 
a piercing yelp. He had cut Jack's head off. He dropped 
the scythe, and stood a moment transfixed with horror. 
He then slowly ventured to turn his head, and furtively 
looked over his shoulders at Mrs. Strongitharm. Pale 
and speechless she gazed at the severed carcass of Jack ; 
then scowled a moment at the dismayed executioner, and, 
shrieking " Wretch ! " sank fainting on the grass. Peewit's 
first impulse was to run away ; his second, to go to her 
assistance ; his third, to get out of sight before she recov- 
ered her consciousness. He acted on the latter idea, and 
instantly took to his heels, never thinking of his coat 
which was hanging on a tree, nor stopping in his terror- 
stricken flight until Harmony Hall was lost to view by an 
intervening hill. Like the wandering Jew, he might 
never have stopped at all had it not been for the want of 
breath. He was seen at noon sitting disconsolate on a 
stone by the roadside, near the entrance to the village of 
Foufouville, musing upon the vicissitudes of human life. 
The day before he was a happy Harmonian ; now he 


was little better than an outcast. He had ruined John 
Long's best scythe against the stones ; he had cut down 
the doctor's favorite peach-tree ; he had killed Mrs. 
Strong itharm's pet dog. What was he to do ? Could he 
ever venture to show himself again at Harmony Hall? 
Could he stand up against the volleys of wrath and re- 
sentment with which he would be received ? He shook his 
head sadly in the negative, and muttered audibly, " Never, 
never, never." He sat for hours wrapped in a seeming 

He was aroused from his rever}', by the approach of a 
tall, stern-looking man, dressed entirely in black with the 
exception of a white cravat and a pair of green goggles, 
and flourishing a heavy walking stick. 

" Sir, it is a fine day," said the unknown. 

" It is, sir," answered Peewit, eying him suspiciously, 
for he had strong misgivings that his sinister-looking in- 
terlocutor was bent on highway robbery. However, as 
he had not more than six or seven shillings in his pocket, 
and was, moreover, in a sort of reckless frame of mind, he 
sat doggedly on his stone, and though the next words 
might be, " Your money or your life," resolved to resign 
himself passively to fate. 

But there was in reality no cause for his alarm, the 
stranger who excited such serious apprehensions in his 
mind being the Rev. Hieronymus Knox, incumbent of 
All Saints Church in Foufouville, an earnest and conscien- 
tious worker in the good cause, whose stern and forbid- 
ding exterior covered a breast filled with the milk of 
human kindness. He had but recently returned from 
fourteen years' service as a missionary to the Feejee 
Islands, and was shocked to hear of the establishment in 


the very midst of a Christian community of such a den of 
abominations as Harmony Hall was popularly reported to 
be. The erection of the phalanstery had at first merely 
given rise to some curious and singularly erroneous sur- 
mises among the people as to its object. Some said it 
was to be an asylum for inebriates, or a factory of some 
sort that would make everybody rich ; while others hinted 
that the capital of the State was to be removed to Fou- 
fouville, and that the large building was the Senate 
House. After the Harmonians took up their abode in 
their new home, their habits of seclusion still further 
piqued the curiosity of their neighbors, and when it was 
found that they kept themselves rigidly aloof from out- 
siders, abstaining from all intercourse with the world 
around them, suspicion was added to curiosity, and 
strange rumors of the doings within those secret walls were 
whispered mysteriously among the people. The village 
gossips had not failed to- repeat to their pastor all the 
miserable lies that obtained credence amongst them ; old 
ladies over the tea-table had made Mrs. Knox's blood 
run cold with harrowing accounts of the treatment of 
women and children ; and a committee of vestrymen and 
deacons had called upon the minister that very morning 
to consult as to the best means to be taken to rid the 
town of so great a scandal. When, as occasionally hap- 
pened, Professor Malpest and the doctor drove through 
the village on their way to the city, the small boys 
glanced at them askant, young maidens timidly shrank 
within doors, while grown men and women frowned as 
they went by, and the old ones shook their heads and 
looked knowing. 

The Eev. Mr. Knox was on his way to visit some of 

200 THE rniLOSOPIIERS OF foufouville. 

the poor and sick among his parishioners when he came 
upon the forlorn Peewit sitting by the road-side. 

" Yon seem to be in trouble, my friend," said he. " It 
will gratify me if I can do anything to alleviate your dis- 
tress. This life is one of suffering and trial to prepare 
us for a better world to come. Here none of us are free 
from sorrow ; we must all bear our share of the burden. 
Are you in want of money ? " 

As he spoke, the kind-hearted parson held out a quarter 
of a dollar. Tears started to Peewit's eyes. He could 
not speak, but by way of answer slapped his pocket, 
making the silver jingle. 

" Ah ! " said the minister, " then your trouble is of the 
mind, not of the body. It is the peculiar province of 
my vocation, and my greatest happiness, to bring relief to 
those who are weary and heavy-laden." 

Peewit thought of the ruined scj'the, the destro}'ed 
peach-tree, the decapitated dog, the implacable Strong- 
itharm, and groaned aloud. 

" Unhappy man ! " said the Rev. Mr. Knox, in a tone of 
deep commiseration, " whether it be crime or the cruel 
shaft of misfortune that has reduced you to your present 
condition, — whether you be suffering from the stings of re- 
morse or from the pangs of sorrow, — I beg you to look 
upon me as a s}-mpathizmg brother. Do you reside in 
this vicinity ? " 

Peewit pointed to Harmony Hall. 

"What! Do you come from that stronghold of 
Belial ? " exclaimed the divine, shrinking back. " Arc you 
one of those prodigal profligates, one of those licentious 
libertines? You have not the appearance of a radically 
bad man. Can it be possible that you are living in a 


state of sin with one to whom you have not been united 
according to the rites of the church ? " 

" Alas ! sir, it is too true," answered Peewit, with a 
heavy sigh. " She just took me without any ceremony 
at aM." 

The good minister stood silent for a moment with an 
expression more of sorrow than of anger. 

"You look dejected," said he. "Man cannot get rid 
of the qualms of conscience as easily as he throws off his 
coat. They cling to him more closely than his shadow, 
for they follow him day and night ; yea, they pursue him 
even in his dreams. It would be strange if such guilt did 
not lie heavy on your heart. Do you sincerely repent of 
all yonr enormities ? " 

"Indeed I do, sir, indeed I do," answered the wretched 

" Then there is hope," replied Mr. Knox, as his severe 
if not harsh features relaxed with a smile of satisfaction ; 
" for there is more joy in heaven over one sinner who 
repenteth, than over a thousand just men made perfect. 
Would you like to be released from the bonds with which 
Satan has bound you? " 

" I should be rejoiced, sir," answered Peewit. 

" I regret my friend that I cannot perform the good 
work to-day," replied the minister ; " other and imperative 
duties call me hence ; but, if you will meet me at the 
church to-morrow evening with your partner in guilt, I 
will unite you indissolubly in the holy bonds of matri- 
mony, according to the forms ordained and prescribed by 
the convocation of bishops and deacons." 

Peewit was struck dumb with astonishment, and, before 
he could recover his speech, the worthy missionary handed 


hini his card, and bidding him farewell "went on his way, 
happy in the belief that he had sown some good seed, 
which might perhaps take root and ripen, and end in the 
conversion of the whole heathen community at Harmony 
Hall. * 

Poor Peewit felt more miserable than ever. It seemed 
as if he had escaped from Scylla only to see Charybdis 
looming up before him. A feeling of utter listlessness 
was stealing over him when the gnawings of hunger roused 
him to exertion, for he had eaten nothing since morning, 
and he resolved to enter the village in search of food. 
He soon came to an oj 7 ster-stand alongside of a rum-shop 
and, being exceedingly hungry, ordered four dozen on the 

While Peewit was satisfying his prodigious appetite at 
the oyster-stand a group of idlers were lounging around 
the adjoining bar-room, discussing the merits, or rather 
the demerits, of their neighbors at Harmony Hall. 

" Have you heard of the new sex we've got amongst 
us?" said one of them, who appeared to be a farm-hand. 
" They've built themselves a great barn of a house, and 
there they all live together like rabbits ; and such carry- 
ings-on ! I tell you it makes my blood bile to think on't." 

k ' They are wus nor the Mormons, they are," said a red- 
faced young man, " for they keep all their women in com- 

" They are a public nuisance, that's what they are," 
answered the farmer ; " they don't buy nothin' from their 
neighbors like honest folk, but go to the city arter every- 
thing. "What good do sich people do in the world ? And 
then it's currently reported, it is, that they have six wives 
apiece. I tell you sich doin's riles me, they does." 


" Yes," said a tow-headed youth about eighteen years 
of age, " and I've heerd some awful stories about their 
'nitiation ceremonies. Do you know," he continued, 
lowering his voice, " that they mixes a horrid mess of 
blood, brains, and livers, with bats, toads, serpents, and 
other horrid reptiles, in a great black iron pot, and they 
make a fire under it, and when it's bilin' they go hoppin' 
and dancin' about it yellin' and singin', — 

" ' Round about the caldron go ; 
In the pizened entrails throw, 
Adder's fork and blind worm's sting, 
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing; 
Double, double, toil and trouble; 
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.' 

They sing that and other diabolical songs that no respect- 
able pussen ever heerd. One on 'em who stopped here 
over night a bit ago, and called himself Longshanks, 
whispered it to me in the dark, as we sat on the stoop a- 
clrinkin' toddy. I tell you my hair stood on end, and I 
was so skeered I didn't sleep a wink all night." 

"That reminds me," said a lanky, purple-nosed indi- 
vidual, who looked like a 'longshoreman, " that I actially 
see one on 'em myself, — a tall, cross-eyed villain with gold 
specs, and dressed in black from head to foot, like Belze- 
hub, — I see him with my own eyes, kill a snake." 

" And the same fellow," said the farmer, " offered my 
boys a cent apiece for frogs ; said he liked 'em fried ; but 
that was a blind, you know. I told the boys they had 
better have no dealin's with him, for Satan's money burns 
the fingers. I tell you what, it's my opinion that the law- 

204 THE PHILOSOPHERS OF foufouville. 

abidin', God-fearin' people ought to turn out and burn their 
cussed place down to the ground." 

"And tar and feather the hull crew," said the 'long- 

" I wouldn't harm the women-folks," said the red-faced 
young man, " though I do believe they're nothing better 
nor witches, for I met one on 'em myself, a lean, yaller- 
haired critter, one day, in the woods a-gathering catnip 
and other yerbs to bile. in the black pot. I made tracks 
from that place mighty quick, I did." 

" There's a fat old fellow who seems to be the head 
devil," said the tow-headed bumpkin. " One evening 
about sundown I see him a-sittin' in the garden porin' over 
a book ; so I crep' up along the fence, very quiet-like, and 
what do you think? He was a-readin' out loud, and it 
was a lingo nobody couldn't understand, — regular necro- 
mancy talk it was. I crawled away faster than I went. 
Why, look ! There's one of the blood-thirsty varmints out- 
side a-swallerin' oysters. I've seen him more nor onst 
when I've been a-passin' by the place. He's ginerally 
talkin' to the yaller-haired woman. Jimini ! How he 
does put 'em down ! You'd think he hadn't eat for a 

Peewit now became the . unconscious focus of many 

" Let's call him up and pump him," said the 'long- 

" It's mighty little j^ou'll get out of him," answered the 
farmer; "for evil-doers aren't accustomed to blab their 
secrets to everybody." 

Peewit had now finished the oysters, and was staring 
around, at a loss what next to do with himself. 


" A man can't do nothin' unless he tries," answered the 
'longshoreman; and then, going up to Peewit, he said, 
by way of introducing himself politely, — 

" Stranger, what'll yer drink? " 

" Soda-water, thank you," replied Peewit, who really 
felt very thirsty. 

" That's a good un," said the other. " A man asks yer 
what yer'll drink, and yer say ' soda-water.' There aint 
no Maine law in Jersey. Will yer take rum or whis- 

Now Peewit of course knew that strong drink was a 
tabooed article among Harmonians ; but then, was he, 
strictly speaking, any longer a member of the society? 
There was room for doubt on this point ; but there was 
no doubt whatever that the mishaps of the morning 
.weighed heavy on his spirits, while the oysters laid heavy 
on his stomach. He had often heard the doctor say, 
that a desperate disease required a desperate remedy, 
and what case could be more so than his? He felt that 
both physically and mentally he needed some stimulant. 
A single glass, instead of doing him harm, would do him 
good, and who would ever know that he had taken it? 

•* Well, I don't care if I do take a glass of rum," were 
the words with which he accepted the polite invitation of 

The two then entered the saloon, walked up to the bar, 
and drank the liquor, having of course complied with the 
customary preliminary ceremony of striking the glasses 
together and saying, " Here's luck." 

Peewit who had not tasted anything stronger than cat- 
nip-tea since he became a Harmonian, smacked his lips 


with satisfaction as he felt the fiery liquid going down his 

The red-faced young man, who had recoiled as the 
dreaded Ilarmonian passed, now said to the former in a 
whisper, — 

" That's the way to work him. They're sworn to se- 
crecy, you know." 

"Nothin's wus," said the farmer, "than to eat cold 
isters without drinking. My rule is, a pint of liquor to 
a pint of isters. Let's liquor ag'in. Hot Jamaicy all 

" Make it a stiffencr," said the 'longshoreman, in an 
undertone to the bar-tender. 

II rCy a que le premier pas qui coute. (Would that this 
applied to tight boots!) Peewit swallowed the stiffen- 
er,with even less compunctions of conscience than the 
first glass, although it brought the tears to his eyes. 
Then, thinking that courtesy required him to make some 
acknowledgment, he begged to have the honor of treating 
the company, — an honor that was willingly accorded him. 

" You are a stranger in these ere parts I should guess ?" 
said the former. 

" No," answered Peewit ; " I am from the phalan- 

" Indeed ! " said the 'longshoreman, with affected sur- 
prise. " You have a gay time up there, don't you? " 

" I wish we had," replied Peewit. 

" That's a good un," rejoined the other. " Now tell us 
how many you keep." 

" How many what ? " 

" Why, women-folks of course." 

" Three," answered Peewit, who did not suppose that 


the question could have reference solely to his own con- 
nubial arrangement. " Only three at present, but I ex- 
pect there will be hundreds more before the summer is 

The inquisitors exchanged glances of unfeigned aston- 
ishment and disgust at the awful turpitude of Mr. Pee- 

"No wonder the fellow looks played out," said tho 
'longshoreman to the farmer. 

" He's wus," whispered the latter, " nor the king of the 
Cannibal Islands that Parson Knox tells us about, for 
that pagan only has ninety-nine." 

" I'd like to spend a month or so there, just to expose 
'em," said the red-faced young man. 

"What becomes of all the young uns?" asked the 

" What young ones ? " answered Peewit. " We have no 
young ones." 

" He is on his guard," whispered the 'longshoreman. 
"Bar-tender, drinks all round ; Jarsey lightnin'." 

One — two — three — four more drinks were taken. 
The farmer then returned to the charge. 

" Do you mean to tell us," said he, " that no children 
result from your miscellaneous arrangement?" 

" None of us have had any, excepting the doctor," re- 
plied Pewitt ; " and he has buried all but one." 

" Buried 'em alive ? " asked the tow-headed boy, turn- 
ing pale. 

" Yes," answered the reckless Peewit, who was rapidly 
getting fuddled, and did not clearly comprehend the ques- 
tion. " Yes, we're all buried alive in that infernal hole." 


" Oh ! the bloody wretches ! " exclaimed all in chorus. 
" Let's lynch the fellow — skin hirn alive — pitch him in 
the pond." 

" Softly, boys, softly," said the farmer. " Keep still. 
I'll manage it. Come^ friend, come along with us a little 
way, and we'll give you a big drink," he continued, giving 
Peewit a shake, for that gentleman was becoming some- 
what oblivious, his eyes being half closed, and his chin 
resting on his breast as if he had no strength in the mus- 
cles of his neck. " Come along with us." 

"NurT said, ole fell'r," answered Peewit. "Who's 
afraid? (Hiccup.) Lead on — Pm wish yer — for you're a 
jolly ole boy ! — Ha ! ha ! ha ! Reminds me of ole times 
— 'fore Strongsham got me. "What a fool I wash ! but 
ish all right now. (Hiccup.) 

" ' For we won't go home till mornin', 
Till daylight dosh appear.' 

Ila ! ha ! Goojoke — goodjoke." 

In this manner, laughing, singing, and talking non- 
sense, the most unlucky of Harmonians was inveigled, 
staggering towards an adjacent pond. On arriving at the 
brink, he was suddenly seized by eight strong arms (for, 
like the assassins of Ccesar, all these ministers of justice 
wished to have a hand in the deed) , and, while actually 
calling it a " goodjoke," tossed into the water. 

" Take that, you bigamous Turk," cried the 'longshore- 

" This is what we call the water-cure," said the 

As the water was only about live feet deep, Peewit now 


came spluttering to the surface, and, puffing and blowing, 
scrambled ashore. 

" Duck him ag'in — cluck him ag'in," shouted his quon- 
dam friends, seizing him as before, and throwing him 
in again, with shouts of laughter mingled with execrations 
and epithets more forcible than polite. 

Peewit' scrambled out a second time, and a third time 
was tossed in. 

" That will cool you off, you infamous Mormon ! " cried 
one of his tormentors, as soon as his head emerged once 
more. " You must need it with all your women." 

" "Wo-wo-women ! " blubbered the half-drowned victim, 
standing up to his neck in the water ; " why they wo-wo- 
won't let me co-come within ten feet of my own wife." 

" Tell that to the marines," the 'longshoreman called 
out. " You can't git off by lyin' now ; it's too late." 

" Oh ! Oh ! I've had enough ; let me go ! " cried the 
shivering sufferer, in piteous accents. 

" You aint had enough to wash away your sins," cried 
the farmer. 

As Peewit persisted in standing in the water, for he did 
not dare to come out again, the four indignant citizens 
amused themselves by pelting him for some time with 
mud, and finally walked away, filled with the proud con- 
sciousness of having performed a most just and praise- 
worthy exploit. The red-faced young man, however, 
seemed to be seized with a slight feeling of commiseration 
for the luckless victim of perfidy, and, on leaving, de- 
posited a bottle of brandy on the ground for his benefit. 

Leaving the drenched and partially sobered Peewit to 
make his way to dry land, we will take a glance at the 
course of events at Harmony Hall. 


A bottle of hartshorn in the hands of Dr. Goodenough 
had recalled Mrs. Strongitharm to consciousness. Loud 
were her lamentations over the remains of Jack, and 
bitter her objurgations against his executioner. The two 
pieces of the defunct quadruped were gathered together, 
and, by her directions, placed in a macaroni box and 
solemnly interred. She seemed to grieve unaffectedly for 
the loss of her pet, showing that even the strongest of 
the strong-minded possess much of the woman ; but, after 
the first outburst of her regret was over, she said little. 
Those who knew her, however, pitied Peewit. 

That gentleman's absence was remarked at dinner. 

" It is strange," said the doctor, " for he is usually so 
punctual at meal-times." 

The rest of the company, however, did not think that 
under the circumstances it was very surprising. 

Supper came, but no Peewit. 

" I hope nothing can have happened to him," said Miss 

" Probably only fled from the wrath to come," said 

Mrs. Strongitharm gave the speaker a withering glance. 

At last a familiar voice was heard outside singing, then 
an unsteady step in the hall ; the door opened, and the 
absentee staggered in, — hatless, coatless, covered with 
mud from head to foot, and dripping wet. ■ Swinging an 
empty bottle in his hand, he sang in drunken glee as he 
tottered forward, — 

" ' Oh ! Bowery gals, won't you como out to-night, 
Won't you como out to-night, 
"Won't you come out to-night? 
Oh! Bowery gals, won't you come out to-night, 

And dansh by the light of the moon ? ' " 


" Merciful Heavens ! " exclaimed Miss Griffin. " "What 
is the matter with' Joseph? " 

" He is drunk," said Professor Malpest. 

The doctor looked up perfectly aghast with astonish- 
ment. He seemed riveted to his chair ; and, although his 
mouth was wide open, he did not utter a word. 

Mrs. Strongitharm sat stern and impassable, with her 
eyes fixed on the recreant Harmonian. 

"Where's Lishabet?" said the latter, staggering to- 
wards the table. "Where's Lishabet? Come, ole gal, 
dansh wi' me ; polky, schottish, anything ; come along, — 

' ' For we won't go home till monrin', 
Till daylight dosh appear.' " 

Mr. Peewit now got hold of a chair and made a 
ludicrous attempt to dance a jig with it ; but the perform- 
ance ended with a break-down, for he fell heavily upon 
the floor, knocking off two of his partner's legs. 

" This is a sorrowful sight," said the doctor. 

" Oh, it is heart-rending ! " answered Miss Griffin, 
hiding her face in her handkerchief. 

Professor Malpest stuffed his napkin into his moutb, 
and seemed to be undergoing a fearful internal struggle 
to suppress the manifestation of his emotions. 

The expression of concentrated wrath and disgust 
visible in the eyes of Mrs. Strongitharm would have 
petrified the gay Peewit, if his vision had not been obfus- 
cated by liquor. 

Charity whispered something to Leander, who rose, 
and, taking him by the arm, said, — 

"Peewit, my clear fellow, you had better go to bed. 
Come with me." 


"Whof for?" answered Peewit, who was still sitting 
on the floor amidst the ruins of the chair. "Whof for 

" Because you are intoxicated." 

" I intoshicate ! That's a good un. Ha ! ha ! ha ! " 
answered the hilarious gentleman, with a silly simper. 

"What have you been drinking, sir?" asked Mrs. 
Strongitkarm, sternly. 

" Drinkin' ! I drinkin' ! Do I look as hif been drinkin' ? " 
replied Peewit, with a stupid leer. "If drunk — mush 
be ze oyshters — oyshters did it." 

"Oysters!" cried the doctor. "Has brother Joseph 
been tempted to eat oysters, — oysters, which contain the 
living principle ? Has the sin of gluttony found its way 
into Harmony Hall ? Is the apple turned to an oyster ? " 

" Yesh," said Peewit ; " four doshen raw." 

" Raw? then he eat 'em alive ! " exclaimed the doctor, 
with a look of dismay. 

Professor Malpest showed the whites of his eyes, and 
then going up to Peewit caught the almost helpless Har- 
rnonian by the legs, while Lovell took him by the arms, 
and, lifting him from the floor, they carried him up to bed, 
in spite of his kicking and struggling, and the continued 
reiteration of his assertion that he wouldn't go home till 

The next day, when Peewit opened his eyes, the awful 
form of Mrs. Strongitharm loomed up before him, stand- 
ing by his bedside. The unhappy Utopian instantly 
buried his head under the quilt. 

" You may well hide your face in shame," said she, 
" after your atrocity of the morning, and disgracing your- 
self in the evening. But I shall waste no words on you. 


I shall no longer sully my good name by alliance with 
such an incorrigible profligate. The copartnership be- 
tween us is dissolved." 

Peewit looked up with an expression of hope. 

" It will be useless for you to implore," continued the 
termagant; "my decision is irrevocable. Henceforth, 
you cun follow your own path to perdition. I leave you 
to your reflections." And so saying, the incensed dame, 
with a look of withering scorn at the recreant and very 
much relieved Peewit, swept out of the room. 

He breathed more freely. 

" Thank God, it is over ! " he said. Then he tried to 
go to sleep again, but could not ; for he felt sick at the 
stomach and had a raging headache. But the feelings of 
deep contrition and repentance, that he had experienced 
on awakening, had been singularly modified by the happy 
turn that had been given to his case by Mrs. Strongitharm. 

He had been turning uneasily on his pillow for some 
time, when he heard a light tap at his door. 'Miss Griffin 

" Joseph," said she, " you do not appear well. I am 
sorry for you, and have brought you a piece of toast and 
a cup of catnip tea." 

" She is a cherub," said Peewit to himself; and then, 
in the exuberance of his gratitude, he extended both 
arms, and with the tea in one hand and the toast 
in the other, repeated, in a husky voice, Scott's beautiful 
lines, — 

" ' woman! in our hours of ease 
Uncertain, coy, and hard to please ; 
When pain and anguish wring the brow, 
A ministering angel, thou.' 


" O Miss Minerva, Low different you are from Mrs. 
Strongitharm ! " 

"Woman," answered Miss Griffin, "was not created 
to exist for self; her nature is too deep ; her sympathies 
too cosmopolitan. She has a mission to fulfil on earth, 
— a mission of love.' 

" She don't seem to think so," replied Peewit, sipping 
the tea and nibbling at the toast. 

"She? She is not a true woman," answered Miss 

" She is an ogre," exclaimed Peewit ; but, could his 
sight have penetrated the door, his tongue would have 
cloven to the roof of his mouth, for the outraged object 
of his vituperation stood listening behind it. 

" She is a half man, like her dress," said Miss Griffin. 
" No wonder she has driven you to desperation. She is 
too masculine, Joseph, to appreciate the delicacy of your 

" She is feminine enough to understand yours, you 
hussy ! " cried Mrs. Strongitharm, bursting into the room. 
".You coarse, impudent female, to come here debauching 
my partner ! And what have you to say for yourself, sir ? 
You drunken brute ! you weak-spirited shadow of a man ! " 
she continued, turning fiercely towards Peewit, who 
shrunk to the farther side of the bed, and barricaded him- 
self behind a fortification of bolsters and pillows. How- 
ever he must have been still somewhat reckless from his 
recent carouse, for he answered her with unwonted temer- 

"Madam, your apartment is at the other end of the 

" He dares to answer me!" screamed Mrs. Strong- 


itharm. " He dares to answer me ! This is your work, you 
yellow-haired siren ! you green-eyed monster ! But my 
name is not Elizabeth Strongitharm or you shall repent of 
it ; " and with that she seized Miss Griffin by the hair with 
one hand, while with the other she wrenched off her ele- 
gant jockey hat. But the blood of all the Griffins was 
up, and with her nails the furious maiden scratched the 
face of her assailant, and tore her lace collar to shreds. 
The shrieks and screams of the ladies now rang through 
the building, chairs and tables were overturned, while 
ribbons and hair flew in all directions. 

Peewit jumped out of bed, spilling the hot tea over his 
bare legs, which made him howl with pain, and endeav- 
ored to thrust a bolster between the amazons, but, as he 
did so, the Griffin's claws, in scratching about wildly, 
came in contact with his cheeks, leaving five blood-stained 
lines, while the fist of the Strongitharm, directed at the 
head of her adversary, landed upon his interposed nose, 
causing the blood to fairly spout. 

The awful commotion alarmed the whole household, and 
everybody came rushing to the scene of battle. 

The doctor arrived first, puffing and blowing, and almost 
out of breath with the exertion of hurrying upstairs. 

The combat ceased at his presence. 

" Why — why — why ! " he exclaimed ; " what's this? — 
what's this ? Discord in Harmony Hall ! I am astonished 
— astonished ! Have you forgotten the precepts of St. 
Augustine ? Ira furor est. What's the matter ? What's 
the matter ? " 

Both the ladies began vociferating at once, and the 
epithets of " Hussy," " Strumpet," " Shameful woman," 
" Abandoned female," " Vile creature," " Hateful thing," 


and other choice expressions of feminine wrath were freely 
bandied about, until the two women were actually on the 
point of recommencing the row, when the doctor seized 
Mrs. Strongitharm in his arms, while Mr. Lovell did the 
same to Miss Griffin. The irate and highly excited ladies 
were then forcibly borne to their respective rooms, where 
the doctor advised them to spend the rest of the day in 
silent reflection, and, by way of balm to their wounded 
feelings, sent each of them a copy of " Hervey's Medita- 
tions " and a bottle of Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup. 

Professor Malpest had peeped in during the scrimmage, 
but, thinking from appearances that a sort of free fight 
was in progress, fled to the cupola, where he locked him- 
self in and stayed till dinner-time. 

The doctor had been sorely troubled by the riotous and 
disgraceful conduct of Peewit on the preceding evening, 
and the additional vexation of spirit caused by the igno- 
minious wrangle between the ladies almost threw him into 
a fever. It was clear to his mind that Peewit, the fallen 
Peewit, was the primary cause of all the disturbance ; but 
it was not in his nature to inflict cruel or unusual pun- 
ishments (excepting in the form of long discourses) ; in 
fact, any penalty inflicted on the culprit would have been 
felt more severely by the tender-hearted old doctor than 
by the sinner himself. Yet would it be safe to permit 
such a disorderly and abandoned character to continue 
with his flock, without taking some means to check his 
vicious propensities, and prevent his example from infect- 
ing others ? In his perplexity he walked up and down his 
study, with his hands behind his back, shaking his head, 
and anon muttering passages from Aristotle and Marcus 
Aurelius. The dinner hour found him still undecided. 


Peewit did not come down to the table, but remained 
in his room. The excitement of the morning broil had 
driven away his headache ; but he was ashamed to show 
his face. 

The dinner that day was a mournful meal. The doctor 
did not utter a word, and the rest of the party, out of 
respect, and partly because their feelings also oppressed 
them, remained silent. Hardly anything was eaten, for, 
with the exception of Professor Malpest, no one had any 

When the cloth was removed, the doctor slowly and 
solemnly rose, raised his spectacles to his forehead, and 
proceeded to address the company, looking (as Lovell 
afterwards said) like a Lord Chancellor holding a High 
Court of Justice over the dinner-table. 

"My dear brethren," said he, "look at me, and 
behold the calmness, the serenity that is derived from 
overcoming the evil passions of the heart. As St. Augus- 
tine tells us, ' Quod partes iroe atque libidinis tarn vitiose 
moventer, ut eas necesse sit frenis sapientioe cohiberi ; ' 
we must subject our anger and our lust to the bridle of 

" The petty trials and privations incident to our short 
probation on earth cannot disturb my equanimity. I 
mention this, not for the sake of personal glorification, 
but because, although in youth my appetites were strong, 
my humble efforts to keep down the spirit of self-indul- 
gence have at last been crowned with success ; which is a 
practical proof that this happy condition can be obtained 
by those who earnestly strive for it." 

"If they live long enough," said Leander, sotto voce. 

" If we give way to one debasing passion," continued 

218 the rniLOSOPHEns of foufouville. 

the doctor, " others will rise up to torment us ; love is 
attended by jealousy ; jealousy by hatred ; hatred by 
envy, malice, and all uncharitableness ; and we are liable 
at any moment to become lost in anger, for ' ira furor 
brevis est,' as Piccolomineus says. 

"When the rules and regulations of this establishment 
were drawn up, no provision was made for such scandal- 
ous and calamitous occurrences as have shocked us during 
the last twenty-four hours. Such doings could not be 
foreseen. I supposed that the potent voice of reason 
would ever be found sufficient to sway the weak or the 
unworthy in this peaceful abode ; but, alas ! our error is 
now manifest, and it is with infinite pain that I acknowl- 
edge, what is patent to us all, that some members of this 
society have shown themselves still tainted with the 
leaven of the world. Brother Joseph Peewit must be held 
responsible as the chief author of the disgrace that has 
befallen us. He stands convicted, by his own confession, 
of having eaten live oysters ; and, as one crime infallibly 
leads to another, his gluttony (to use a mild term) was 
followed by the imbibation of strong drink, whereby he 
became helplessly inebriated ; and, as if with a deliberate 
intention to drive us all to despair, he followed up the 
revel of yesterday, as we all know too well, by this morn- 
ing exciting a dreadful disturbance among some of the 
female members of the society. I consider him an ex- 
ceedingly dangerous person, and would like to have your 
opinions as to what is the best course to pursue under 
these distressing circumstances." 

" My opinion," said Professor Malpest, " is this : 
since he has been guilty of intemperance in food and 
drink, let him be put on a diet of bread and water for 


one week. Since he has created trouble among the ladies, 
let him be prohibited from speaking to them during his 
probation. This would satisfy the requirements of strict 

Mrs. Strongitharm and Miss Griffin now both began 
talking at once, as loud and as fast as they could ; but 
Mrs. Strongitharm having the more powerful organ, she 
shut up her rival, or, to speak more correctly, succeeded 
in making herself heard in spite of her. 

" Leave him to me," said she ; " I'll manage him, — I'll 
bring him to reason." 

" You bring him to reason ! " screamed Miss Griffin. 
" It is you who have driven him to despair." 

" Better leave him to himself," said Lovell ; " his head- 
ache will be a stronger argument than any other." 

After a protracted and animated discussion, the council 
broke up without having come to any definite conclusion. 

The doctor retired to his study, and soon afterwards 
sent for Peewit, who obeyed the summons with the air of 
a criminal going to execution. What passed at the in- 
terview, we unfortunately have not been able to ascer- 
tain ; but the door was ajar, and Miss Griffin, who hap- 
pened to pass by two or three times, heard the doctor 
quoting Greek and Latin to Peewit, who was sitting on 
a stool, with his hands on his knees, which were close to- 
gether, like an Egyptian statue, — the image of resignation. 
At the expiration of an hour, Peewit emerged looking 
very weary, and carrying in one hand a vial of spirits of 
camphor, and, in the other, the " Regeneration of Man." 
He threw the book under a table, and then directed his 
steps to the grove at the end of the garden, tossing the 
vial of camphor over the fence on his way, and sat down 


on a bench, with his hands in his pockets, in the posi- 
tion of the rake in Hogarth's picture of the " Morning 
after the Marriage." Miss Griffin soon joined him, and 
they were observed, for a long time, in close and earnest 

After the departure of Peewit, Professor Malpcst en- 
tered the doctor's study, and, apparently choking with 
suppressed emotion, declared that he was almost over- 
come with grief at the scandalous and deplorable events 
that had transpired. 

" Such," said he, " is the consequence of admitting 
persons into the society whose minds are not sufficiently 
matured by years to comprehend and follow up the ex- 
alted doctrines of Harmonianism. The sooner all such 
disreputable characters were got rid of, the better it would 
be for those who remained." 

He did not refer particularly to brother Joseph ; there 
were others whose presence he feared would be even 
more disastrous to the younger sisters, unless means 
were taken to counteract the effect of their manoGuvres. 
Women are so completely the creatures of impulse, that, 
when the promptings of nature begin to be felt, the pres- 
ence of a man — a man whose passions are subordinate 
to his reason — is required as a monitor and guide. He 
then reminded the doctor that the month which had been 
granted to Miss Charity before giving her adhesion to her 
father's most admirable plan for her welfare had now 

"It is up to-day, dear brother," said the doctor ; " and 
I will immediately send for my daughter, and you shall be 


" I fear, sir," answered the professor, " you will find 
that a malign influence has been exercised over her young 
mind by one who has no claim upon her." 

" What do you mean? Whom do you refer to? " 

" I refer, sir, to one who has forced himself upon us 
unasked ; who has never read one line of your immortal 
works, and is incapable of understanding them like a true 
Harmonian ; to one still tainted with the leaven of the 
world, and who continues amongst us with no other inten- 
tion than to instil the subtle poison of passion, with which 
he is himself affected, into the heart of j r our daughter. I 
refer to that witless reprobate, Leander Lovell." 

"Can such depravity be possible?" said the doctor; 
" and that, too, after I have clearly explained to him the 
nature and consequences of that infirmity, together with 
the remedies prescribed by the greatest philosophers of 
ancient times. I am astonished." 

" Behold, sir, the confirmation of my words," said the 
professor, pointing to Charity and Leander, who were 
strolling through the garden hand in hand. • 

" It is incredible, incredible. I can hardly believe the 
evidence of my senses," said the doctor, going to the 
window and calling to the lovers, whom he ordered some- 
what peremptorily to come to him at once. 

" You may need to exert all your firmness, sir," said 
the professor, " for it is possible that she may even prove 
wanting in filial obedience." 

Charity and Leander entered the study. 

" My child," said the doctor, taking his daughter by 

the hand, " the month that you very properly asked, for 

the purpose of meditating upon the new duties that are 

about to devolve upon you, has now elapsed, and I have 


222 the rniLOSornERS of foufouville. 

called you to mo to name the day when you will be united 
to the man of my choice." 

" Papa," said Charity, imploringly, " do not ask me to 
marry that person." 

" Why not, my dear ? " 

" Because I am utterly indifferent to him." 

" That is all the better," answered the doctor ; " you 
will thus be enabled to fulfil the duties imposed upon you 
by your sex, solely from a sense of obedience to the 
divine command to — ; but I need not explain this 

" If I became his wife, I should hate him. I hate him 

" Hate ! " said the doctor. " How can such a senti- 
ment have found its way into Harmony Hall? You 
should strive to overcome such feelings. But 3*011 cannot 
do it alone ; your mind is too weak ; you require the aid 
of a stronger will. Let me hear no more nonsense from 
you, my child ; for in a fortnight from to-day, I intend 
• that you shall marry brother Nicholas, the most upright 
and conscientious of men." 

" I cannot do it, I cannot do it, father," answered 
Charity, weeping ; " for I not only feel a repugnance 
against him, but — " she hesitated, cast down her eyes, 
and colored deeply — " I love another." 

"You love, carnally speaking," cried the doctor; 
" and when you know that it is contrary to my precepts. 
Thus does one fault lead to another." 

" Such," said Professor Malpcst, " is the inevitable 
result of contact with the worldly-minded. If permitted 
to continue, there is no knowing what lamentable conse- 
quences might ensue." 


Leander, who had maintained a respectful silence 
while the doctor was speaking, could contain his sup- 
pressed wrath no longer. 

" You despicable sycophant ! " said he, with clenched 
fists, approaching the professor, who shrank trembling 
behind the doctor's chair, " if you dare to utter one 
syllable against her, or against me, I shall fell you to the 

He doubtless meant "the floor," but that is immaterial. 
His voice attracted the attention of the doctor, who had 
thus far seemed oblivious to his presence. 

" You are the cause of all this trouble," said the old 
man. "It is you who have called forth in my daughter 
the sinful affections' of the flesh, in direct contravention to 
the rules and regulations of this establishment, made and 
provided ; culminating in sedition, privy conspiracy, and 
rebellion against the will of her parent, thereby violating 
the fifth commandment. You are a disgrace to the 
society, sir, and I desire you to contaminate us no longer 
by your presence." 

" Enough, sir," answered Lovell. " Since you are 
blind to your own interests and to those of your family, 
and are so utterly unjust to me, I should consider it a 
degradation to remain longer with you. I shall go at 
once, but hope before long to return with proofs of the 
dishonesty of that contemptible, calculating parasite, who 
is living at your expense, and deceiving you by his 

" Do you presume to traduce brother Nicholas?" cried 
the doctor, his voice husky with rage. " To defame my 
best friend before my face? This is adding insult to 
injury. You are an infamous scoundrel, sir, an infamous 


scoundrel ! " And so saying, the old gentleman, who was 
livid with passion, seized Lovell roughly by the coat-collar ; 
Charity threw her arms around her father's neck, while 
Professor Malpest, for safety, jumped on top of the table, 
upsetting the inkstand over a MS. of the doctor's, and 
scattering pens, papers, pamphlets, and wafers, in mis- 
cellaneous confusion over the floor. 

" Discord in Harmony Hall ! I am astonished," ex- 
claimed Mrs. Strongitharm coming in, taking Lovell in 
her arms, and putting him unresistingly out of the room. 

" It was enough to excite St. Anthony," said the 
doctor, dropping exhausted into his chair ; " but I was 
hasty. I acknowledge my fault. Ira furor est; but it is 
over now. Let the young man depart in peace. Charity, 
my child, behold how 3-our unreasonable self-will has 
brought my gray hairs to shame. Well may you shed 
tears. Retire now to your room, and meditate in sorrow 
over the effects of your obstinac3% Reason and reflection 
may show you the error of your ways." 

Lovell packed his valise in a few minutes, and was 
about leaving the house, when Charity tapped him on the 

" Leander," said she, " how can j t ou desert me so 
thoughtlessly, merely because jour pride has been 
wounded ? What will become of me with no one here to 
counteract that man's influence over my father ? " 

" I cannot remain without a loss of self-respect," 
answered Lovell, " and we would gain nothing by my 
doing so. I have with me copies of papers (that I have 
made Secretly) which I think contain evidence of Malpest's 
dishonest trickery. If I succeed in verifying my suspic- 
ions, I shall return and expose him. In the mean time 


if anything important should occur, — you know what I 
mean, — write to me." 

Lovell had proceeded but a few steps from the house 
when he heard the voice of the doctor, and, turning, saw 
the old gentleman hastening after him. 

" My young friend," said he, "I was hasty with you 
awhile ago ; I confess my fault, and ask you to excuse it. 
It is well for you to go, but let us part in peace and good 

" My dear sir," answered Lovell, " it is not in your 
nature to do anything that could give me the slightest ill 
feeling towards you ; but as to that black hearted vil — " 

"Stop, my boy — stop; there, give me your hand; 

So they parted. 

When Leander had gone about a quarter of a mile he 
again heard his name called. This time it was Peewit. 

" Well, Joe," said he, " come to bid me good-by ? " 

" She's an angel ! " exclaimed Peewit, who was almost 
out of breath from running. 

" She is certainly as angelic as a woman can be." 

" I knew you could appreciate the beautiful. You are 
a man of taste," replied Peewit, grasping Leander by the 
hand. " And how gentle and considerate she is ! there 
is nothing strong-minded about her." 

"But still she is not wanting in capacity," replied 

" Wits ! As to wits, I wish I had half so much. Think 
how well she can write ! " 

"I presume she can," answered Leander, "though I 
have never yet had the pleasure of receiving any letters 
from Miss Charity." 


"Charity! What Charity? Ah! Miss Gooclenough. 
Oh! yes! "Why I was talking about Minerva — my Mi- 

"Minerva? Miss Griffin? Oh! Ah! I understand. 
Why, Joe ! are you in love with that angular female ? " 

" I adore her," replied Peewit. " She is the apple of 
my e3 r e. I admire every separate freckle on her face. 
Did you ever see such a figure ? " 

" Can't say I ever did." 

" Such beautiful yellow hair ; such languishing gray 
ayes, ; so soft a voice ; such a — " 

" Now, Joe, please stop, I do indeed believe she is a 
most estimable lady, but — " 

" But ! " interrupted Peewit. " How can you put in 
any ' buts ' ? She is perfection itself. You never saw 
her equal." 

" I cannot agree with you there, no matter how exalted 
may be my opinion of her." 

" You have no judgment — no judgment," replied Pee- 
wit, letting go of the hand he had till then held in his 
own. " But there is no accounting for tastes ; ' tastibus 
non est disputandibus,' as the long-winded doctor would 
say. Truly love is blind." 

" I don't want to be personal, but must say, that it 
seems to me you are singularly wanting in discernment," 
said Lovell, rather tartly. 

" I would not exchange my perceptive faculties for 
yours," answered Peewit, with spirit ; " particularly if I 
had to exchange ladies also." 

The two gentlemen continued to spat with each other 
until they were on the point of seriously quarrelling about 
the beauty of their lady-loves, like two gallant knights of 


old, when the contention was happily put an end to by 
the opportune appearance of the Rev. Mr. Knox. 

" Ah ! my good friend," said he, addressing Peewit, 
"I am happy to meet you. Your appointment with me 
will be kept, I hope ? " 

" "We shall be punctual, sir, if eight o'clock is a con- 
venient hour to you." 

" Perfectly. Adieu," said the minister going in the 
direction of Harmony Hall. 

"What does this mean?" asked Lovell. 

" Why, the truth is," replied Peewit, coloring slightly, 
" that Mrs. Strongitharm divorced herself this morning, 
in the same free and easy way that she took me, so that 
now I am at liberty — I am at liberty, Lenny." 

" And mean to remain so, I presume, from your joyous- 
ness ? " 

"lam going to marry her this very evening." 

" Marry Mrs. Strongitharm?" 

"No — no — no — my Minerva. Pm going to marry 
my Minerva, and I want you to give the bride away." 

" It seems to me that Dr. Goodenough is a more proper 
person to do that." 

"Chut!" said Peewit, lowering his voice. "Not so 
loud. The ogre might hear us. Oh, you don't know 
what a romantic, sentimental creature she is ! " 

" The ogre ? " 

« No — no — my Minerva. Chut ! It's an elopement. 
She's going to meet me by moonlight alone ; and I've 
arranged it all with the Rev. Hieronymus, who thinks — 
but no matter what he thinks ; " and here the hilarious 
Peewit in the exuberance of his spirits gave Leander a 
poke in the ribs. " After the ceremony at the church we 


take the stage-coach to Commimipaw, and go thence by 
the horse-car to Jersey City, where we will spend the 



The Rev. Hieronymus Knox takes the Bull by the Horns. 

After the stirring scenes of the last chapter it will be a 
relief to the reader's rnind to turn to the worthy pastor of 
All Saints, and to learn how it happened that he was 
going in the direction of Harmony Hall when his fortu- 
nate mediation averted the threatened knightly tilt 
between Messrs. Lovell and Peewit. 

His interview with the last-named gentleman on the 
preceding day had given him food for much serious 
thought. The stories that had reached his ears of the 
daily and nightly abominations at the phalanstery had 
sorely troubled his mind. He gave little heed to the 
reported horrors that had so excited the countrymen at 
the tavern, and brought poor Peewit to grief ; these he 
regarded simply as vulgar exaggerations, though where 
there was so much smoke he thought there must be some 
fire ; and in fact so much was given in the form of positive 
averments, that the most incredulous could not have 
doubted that the home of the New Utopians was little 
better than a brothel of abandoned men and women, des- 
perate characters, presided over by a licentious, hoary- 
headed old libertine named Goodenough, — an artful and 
determined emissary of the Evil One. 

He knew that legal proceedings, or, in default thereof, 
more summary processes for the abolition of this public 
nuisance were under serious consideration by some of the 

230 tiie milosopiiers of foufouville. 

members of his congregation, the women — especially 
those with marriageable daughters — being particularly 
exasperated, and urging the men on ; but violent measures 
found little favor with the minister of the gospel of peace. 
Yet this was not owing to any timidity in his tempera- 
ment, for he had not hesitated in the line of self-imposed 
duty to risk his life among the savages of the South Sea 
until failing health had obliged him to return to civilization, 
lie had ever found persuasion more efficacious than force, 
and, although the whited sepulchre whose walls it was pro- 
posed to raze was almost within the shadow of his church, 
he strongly discountenanced all illegal measures. Did 
not his enforced return, he thought to himself, seem like 
a special interposition of Providence? Might he not be 
the preordained agent of the Almighty to entel' boldly 
into that fortress of Satan, and rescue its hapless inmates 
from his grasp? His interview with Peewit gave him en- 
couragement. Since there was one repentant sinner, 
might there not be others whom a few timely words would 
reclaim from their fallen state ? 

The good man passed a sleepless night, cogitating over 
the matter ; and the next morning announced to his wife 
that he had determined to proceed that very afternoon to 
the stronghold of Belial, and beard the lion in his den. 
The poor woman, who w r as of a nervous, apprehensive 
temperament, and who had seen her husband's dwelling 
surrounded by hundreds of howling, painted savages, 
thirsting for his blood, and who fondly hoped that such 
perils were over forever, w r as almost parabyzed with 
terror at his temerity. She entreated, she implored him 
to give up the rash project. 

No considerations of personal safety could have induced 


the dauntless missionary to swerve a hair's breadth from 
what he considered the path of duty ; but the voice of his 
wife was ever potent with him ; her tears he could seldom 
withstand * and it is very possible his resolution would 
have been shaken, had it not been for the arrival of some 
female neighbors, who were loud in approbation of their 
pastor's self-sacrificing intention. It was currently re- 
ported, they said, that the arch-rake Goodenough pos- 
sessed not less than seven wives ; another of the inmates 
of the place was known by his own confession to have 
three, and he had unblushingly boasted that he expected 
several hundred more. What became of all the children? 
None had ever been seen about the premises. Here the 
ladies exchanged significant glances with each other, and 
shook their heads. Such doings were not to be put up 
with. No woman was safe while such libidinous wretches 
existed in their midst. They should be extirpated root and 
branch. It was a wonder the Lord did not smite them 
with thunder and lightning. They almost drove the 
minister's wife into hysterics ; but his resolution was only 
strengthened by what he heard. It was in vain that she 
hung upon his arm, and begged him, with tears in her 
eyes, not to trust himself in such a dangerous place ; or, 
if he persisted in going, let him at least arm himself for 
the struggle with the kitchen carving-knife, and take a 
posse of citizens for protection. 

" My dear," said Mr. Knox, kindly but firmly, " you 
know that for righteousness' sake I have incurred perils 
by land, and perils by water, perils from savage beasts 
and still more savage men, and think you I would shrink 
now from a new, even though greater, danger? I shall 
go, cost what it may, and go alone ; armed only with my 

232 the rniLOSornERs of foufouville. 

sermon on the 'Wages of Sin,' with which I converted 
Mumbo-Jumbo, Goree Maori, and so many other heathen, 
and, with the Good Book for a shield, I shall unfold to 
those benighted and hardened sinners of the new Gomor- 
rah the great truths of revealed religion, unless my voice 
be arrested by the hand of Death. My will is at the 
bottom of my trunk. Farewell ! " 

It was with fearful forebodings that his timorous, 
trembling wife saw the hardy champion of the Gospel 
sally forth on his hazardous expedition. He was on his 
way to Harmony Hall when he met Lovell and Peewit, 
as we related in the preceding chapter. 

When he reached the gate, he found Charity leaning 
against it, gazing up the road, watching the fast receding 
form of Leander. Miss Griffin was by her side. 

" Truly," said the Rev. Mr. Knox to himself, looking 
at Charity ; " truly Satan works with beautiful tools. She 
is weeping. Perhaps she, also, is repentant." 

" Madam," said he aloud, " are you one of the inmates 
of this establishment ? " 

"I am, sir," answered Charity. 

" And do you never think of your artless and innocent 
childhood, your happy past, before you had been taught 
the deceit and wickedness of the world? Do you not 
regret the life you lead here ? " 

" Indeed I do, sir. I regret it bitterly." 

" There is hope yet," said the reverend gentleman, " and 
— pardon my inquisitiveness ; my motives are good — arc 
you one of those who are — who are — connected with 
Dr. Goodenough?" 

" Yes, sir," answered Charity ; " I have no one here to 
protect me, no one to love, but him." 


The Rev. Mr, Knox shook his head sadly, and said to 
himself, " So young, so innocent-looking, and yet so de- 
praved ! It is truly lamentable." 

" And you, madam," said he, turning to Miss Griffin ; 
" I presume you also are one of the unfortunates ? " 

" Alas ! sir," answered Miss Minerva, " what woman is 
not unfortunate ! It is her lot in life to be so." 

" It is her own fault if she do not raise herself when 

" Ah ! sir, she should not be chided while society exists 
as at present constituted." 

" Have you no desire to change your present condition ? " 

Miss Minerva blushed deeply, fixed he'r eyes on a but- 
tercup, simpered, and answered with some confusion of 
manner, — 

" Woman must yield to her destiny, sir. She was not 
created to exist alone ; and I shall not shrink from the 
performance of any of the functions imposed upon mo 
by my sex." 

" I suppose that neither of you unhappy ones has 
passed through the ceremony of marriage ? " 

" Not yet," replied Miss Griffin, without raising her 

" Why, unhappy? " said Charity. " Marriage is now a 
hateful word to me." 

The minister looked aghast. " What brazen effront- 
ery ! " he said to himself. " Truly, I am at the gates of a 
new Sodom. But why skirmish at the outposts, when, 
perhaps, the main work is accessible?" So without 
another word he abruptly left the young ladies, and, 
marching boldly up to the front door, rang the bell. 

It happened that Mrs. Strongitharrn was at that 

234 the rniLOSOPHEits of foufouville. 

moment passing through the hall, and she opened the door 
to the visitor. Her appearance confirmed the unfavor- 
able impression that had already been made on his mind, 
for her face was blotched with the marks of Miss Griffin's 
nails, — induitable signs, as he interpreted them, of exces- 
sive and long-continued debauchery, while he inferred 
from her gay bloomer dress that she was the favorite 
sultana of the harem, — the true scarlet lady of this mod- 
ern Babylon. 

"I am the sectarian clergyman of Foufouville," said 
he, on being ushered into the presence of Dr. Goodenough, 
" and have considered it a duty I owed to my parishioners, 
to the whole coinniunit}'-, and to myself, to call upon you." 

" I am delighted to see you, sir," answered the doctor, 
rising and extending his hand, which, however, Mr. Knox 
avoided touching. 

" I labored for many years as a missionary among the 
Feejee islanders," said he ; " but never in all my experi- 
ence among those untutorod savages did I hear of such 
enormities as have been reported to me as being commit- 
ted by the people over whom you preside. Intemperance, 
concupiscence, excesses in short, of every kind, are among 
the charges that have been brought against you. I trust, 
for the sake of human nature, that they have been greatly 
overdrawn, and have desired to make a personal investi- 
gation before deciding upon what ulterior measures to 
adopt for the abolition of this crying social evil." 

The doctor, who naturally supposed that allusion was 
made to the occurrences related in the last chapter, and 
which were still the burden of bis thoughts, answered as 
follows, in a tone which would have indicated only sorrow 
and vexation of spirit to any one whose mind was not pre- 


occupied with a false impression, but which appeared to 
the clergyman only an additional evidence of hardened 

" We must plead guilty to the charge, sir, but I did not 
suppose that what took place within these walls was 
known beyond them." 

" It is known, sir," answered Mr. Knox, " and has 
excited merited reprobation and indignation throughout 
the community ; and I have considered it an obligation 
incumbent on me, in consequence of my calling, to make 
an effort — with the divine assistance — for your reforma- 
tion. I am pained and surprised that an aged man like 
yourself, whose white hairs denote that he should be pre- 
paring for a better world, should countenance such mis- 

" I think, my dear sir, that you are laboring under a 
slight misapprehension," replied the doctor. " It is true 
that, as the founder of this society, it is perhaps just that 
I should be held in a measure responsible for the conduct 
of the individuals composing it, and, whenever they have 
shown symptoms of desiring to go astray, I have striven 
hard to overcome the promptings of the flesh with the voice 
of reason. I acknowledge with regret that my efforts 
have been but partially successful, and the irregularities 
that have lately marked the conduct of some of our 
unworthy members have sorely tried my patience ; how- 
ever, I am happy to be able to inform you that the chief 
cause of our trouble has this day quitted the establish- 
ment, while the one whose riotous proceedings have 
doubtless been the immediate occasion of your visit 
appears to be sincerely penitent." 

The Rev. Mr. Knox sharply scrutinized the counte- 

23G the rniLOsornEns of foufoufille. 

nance of Dr. Goodenough ; but lie could detect no indica- 
tions of guile or deceit there. 

" Your remarks embarrass me, sir," said he. " I per- 
ceive that there must have been exaggerations, perhaps 
actual fabrications, in the current rumors. Still I find it 
diflicult to reconcile your language with what I have seen 
and heard with my own eyes and ears. I met a young 
woman at the gate, very fair to look upon, — in a physical 
point of view, — whom I took the liberty of Questioning, 
and who openly confessed her affection for you, whom she 
looked up to as her protector." 

"My daughter, of course," said Dr. Goodenough ; " and 
I will mention that, had it not been for some untoward 
circumstances, I should have called upon you this day to 
ask 3'our good offices in the marriage ceremony two weeks 
hence, when she is to be united to my co-laborer in the 
cause of humanity, Professor Malpest." 

" I am completely nonplussed," said Mr. Knox. 
"Have you any objection, sir, toinforni me definitely of 
the objects of your society ? " 

" On the contrary, sir, I wish them made known to the 
whole world," replied the doctor. " Here are five hundred 
copies of our circular, together with our rules and regu- 
lations. I will be glad if you will distribute them. We 
endeavor to live up to them, as closely as our infirm na- 
tures will permit ; but flesh is weak, and you should not be 
surprised at the appearance of an occasional backslider." 
The doctrines of the Harmonians and their stoical rules 
of life did not meet with entire approval from the secta- 
rian clergyman ; but they were so radically different, in 
fact, so directly opposed to what he had been led to ex- 
pect, that he could not forbear smiling. 


" I regard all men as brothers," said the doctor ; "but 
most of them are dwelling in darkness, and, what you 
have been striving to accomplish for the Feejees, I am 
endeavoring to do for all mankind." 

" My dear sir," said the pastor of All Saints, " I must 
ask your pardon for the unjust suspicions that induced me 
to intrude upon you. But it is well I came, for truly the 
good people hereabouts are laboring under a strange de- 
lusion ; they have been singularly misinformed. There 
is much that is commendable, and nothing that is positive- 
ly objectionable, in the principles of your society. But 

stop — I find nothing about any profession of faith. 

May I take the liberty of asking your views on this sub- 
ject, _ the most important of all, — for you know what 
the blessed apostle says, < Many shall be called, but few 
chosen.' " 

" That, sir," said the doctor, " is the cardinal point of 

my belief." 

"Then, my dear friend, you are a true sectarian," 
cried the minister, passing at once from the extreme of 
mistrust to the extreme of confidence, and, in the revulsion 
of his feelings, grasping the doctor cordially with both 
hands. " The sectarian is the only true church." 

Here there ensued a long discussion between the Eev. 
Mr. Knox and Dr. Goodenough, on certain theological 
doctrines ; a discussion, the manuscript report of which, 
now lying on the table before us, covers no less than 
twenty-five pages of foolscap. After long deliberation, 
we have decided to omit it, partly because, unlike Foufou- 
ites in general, we have a strong aversion to religious 
polemics, and partly because to give it would serve 

238 THE miLOSOJjfEES OF fovfouville. 

no other purpose than to amuse the profane. "We will 
only state that, after arguing till a late hour, the dispute 
became quite acrimonious, and each was more firmly con- 
vinced than before that his own was the only orthodox 
faith. The pastor of All Saints vehemently maintained 
that none but sectarians could be saved, while the doctor 
was equally positive that the only road to salvation lay 
through Harmony Hall. The upholder of sectarianism re- 
cited the ninety-nine articles of his creed, and, in support of 
them, " piled Pelion upon Ossa," that is to say, Moses and 
all the prophets on the evangelists and Maccabees, citing 
chapters, verses, and half verses, in a manner which some- 
times seemed like an imitation of Swift's famous " top- 
knot come down." The doctor met him with argument 
for argument, and prophecy for prophecy. St. Peter 
was pitted against St. Paul ; St. Matthew against St. 
Mark ; the Kings against the Judges ; Jeremiah against 
Job. St. Origen and St. Augustine were brought up as 
bottle-holders, to support their principals, and all the 
ancient philosophers dragged in as witnesses. The doc- 
tor quoted whole pages of Greek and Latin, while the 
parson spouted Hebrew, and once, in the excitement of 
the moment, Feejee. As their voices waxed louder and 
louder, the favorable opinion they had formed of each 
other grew smaller and smaller, till at last these two 
worthy and Christian gentlemen appeared actually on the 
point of coming to blows, when Professor Malpest happily 
put an end to the wrangle, by entering the room and 
announcing that supper was ready. 

The doctor, who, though his spirits were greatly per- 
turbed, was utterly incapable of harboring malice, cor- 
dially invited his visitor to partake of his hospitality ; but 


the conscientious missionary, who had dined more than 
once with the King of the Cannibal Islands, positively 
shrank from sitting at the same table with a brother man 
who held such very erroneous and heretical opinions as 
the founder of Harmonianism, whom he now believed 
more firmly than ever was doomed to eternal hell-fire and 
damnation. He excused himself with courtesy, however, 
and left the house to keep his appointment at the church, 
which, in the heat of discussion, he had entirely forgotten 
to mention to Dr. Goodenough. 



Some original Letters now first 'published; together with a 
few Extracts from our Newspaper Files. 

Thus far the interesting and invaluable journal of Miss 
Griffin has served us as a guide, in following the fortuues 
of the Harmonians. It was the skeleton — to use a fa- 
vorite though frightful anatomical simile — on which, with 
the assistance of other authorities, it was easy to build up 
the body of our work. But now the charming ennuyee 
leaves us, and we can no longer depend upon a daily 
record of the sayings and doings at Harmony Hall to 
give us an uninterrupted narrative. "Were we to attempt, 
under these circumstances, to continue the historical 
form, our story would be constantly broken by hiati, — a 
sort of kangaroo method of proceeding, — jumping from 
one event to another. We shall, therefore, adopt the 
more simple and satisfactory plan of publishing our 
original authorities ; leaving it to the imaginative reader 
to draw his own conclusions, and to fill up the intervals 
as best he may. 

The following letter, although signed by Mr. P., ap- 
pears to be in the handwriting of his wife, formerly Miss 
Griffin, — 


"Jersey City, May 23d, 1850. 

" Madam, — Since you happily released me from the 


hateful copartnership that existed between us, I have 
formed a matrimonial alliance, according to the forms 
prescribed by the church (for a connection unsanctified 
by those rites I regard as sinful), with one who can 
appreciate the depth of my nature. 

" My wife unites with me, in begging you to accept the 
assurance of our distinguished consideration. 

" J. Peewit." 

We find the following marriage notice in several papers 
of the month of May, — 

" On the 22d .inst., by the Rev. Hieronymus Knox, 
rector of All Saints, Foufouville, Mr; Joseph Peewit to 
Miss Serena Minerva Griffin. No cards." 

In the Jersey City "Palladium" of a later date, the 
following appears, under the head of " City Items," — 

"Singular Occurrence. — Yesterday afternoon about 
five o'clock, as the usual crowd was pouring from the 
ferry-boat, a masculine-looking woman, in bloomer cos- 
tume, suddenly made a rush at an inoffensive-looking 
man, crying, ' The wretch ! I've got him.' The gentleman, 
on catching sight of the furious female, dropped his 
carpet-bag and umbrella, and sought safety in flight. 
The bloomer caught him by one of his coat-tails, but, by 
a desperate effort, he succeeded in breaking away from 
her grasp, leaving the torn remnant in her hands. He 
then ran rapidly up the street, hotly pursued by the 
woman. Our reporter, who happened providentially to 
be on the spot in search of an item, impelled by a sense 


of duty to the public, followed after ; together with a 
crowd of men, boys, and dogs, who joined in the chase, 
shouting, hooting, yelling, and barking ; frightening re- 
spectable citizens ; startling the police ; stampeding a 
drove of cattle, to the astonishment and indignation of 
the drovers ; and scattering a flock of geese in all direc- 
tions. One goose flew clear across the river and alighted 
on top of the mainmast of a clipper, greatly alarming an 
ancient mariner in an adjoining canal-boat, who feared it 
was an albatross. Another soared into the blue empyrean 
till it was lost to sight, and has not yet come down. The 
owner is about to sue the city for damages. Pursued and 
pursuers rushed up A Street intoB Street ; through B Street 
to C Avenue ; and down C Avenue, without halting, to Bel- 
grave Square. They ran twice around the square, like 
Hector and Achilles around the walls of Troy, then down 
D Street and into a blind alley, where the ' fox who had 
lost his tail ' (as some one unfeelingly called the shirtless 
unfortunate) endeavored to escape, by jumping over 
fences and cutting across back yards ; but his impetuous 
huntress followed hard after, taking the fences in gallant 
style, with the roaring rabble at her heels. Finally, after 
doubling once or twice, the poor fellow took refuge in the 
Communipaw Oyster House (where it seems he lives), 
shutting and bolting the door in the face of his pursuer. 

" A second female now popped her head out of one of 
the upper windows, and began abusing the outsider in 
unmeasured terms. Her vituperation was returned with 
interest ; both parties being encouraged by the crowd, 
with shouts and laughter and cries of, ' Go it, ole gal ! ' 
' Give it to her ! ' ' Lam her ag'in ! ' etc. 

"Finally, the- lady in the window seized a pitcher of 


water, and soused it over the head of the lady in the 
street. At last policeman A. No. 1 came up, and 
escorted the irate bloomer to the station house." 


" Although we decline any responsibility for statements 
made by our reporters, we give publicity to the following, 
in justice to the aggrieved party. 

"To the Editor of the J. C. Palladium: 

" ' Sir,— Your grossly exaggerated account of a trans- 
action between private parties, with which the public is 
in no way concerned, would excite in me only indigna- 
tion, were it not for the poltroonery shown in thus 
traducing an unprotected female ; and I hereby warn you 
that I shall cowhide your reporter (who was the greatest 
goose of all) the first time I meet him. 

Elizabeth Strongitharm.' " 

U i 


"Lost. — Near the Canal-Street Ferry, a black leather 
carpet-bag and blue cotton umbrella, containing a soiled 
shirt and a pair of socks. Any person leaving the above 
at the Communipaw Oyster House, will receive the thanks 
of the owner and no questions asked." 



" The People vs. Joseph Peewit. — The defendant in 
this case was charged with bigamy, in having on, or about 

2ii the pniLOsornERs of foufouville. 

the 22d of May, espoused a Miss Serena Minerva Griffin, 
although he had a wife still living. The prosecution hav- 
ing failed to furnish legal proof of the first marriage, 
the case was dismissed with a warning from the judge to 
the defendant, that it was only because he had not been 
actually married to the complainant, that he had escaped 
involving himself in a serious difficulty. Peewit, who 
promised never to offend again, seemed quite astonished at 
getting off. The decision was received with acclamations 
by the spectators, — a manifestation that was promptly sup- 
pressed by the presiding magistrate, with that stern sense 
of judicial decorum that has ever characterized the 
American bench. 

For the people, the district attorney. For the defend- 
ant, Messrs. Sharpe & Kean. 


"H. II., May 25th. 

" My own Leander, — Oh, how lonesome it is here with- 
out you ! and then such dreadful goings-on, I can't bear 
to tell you. That good-for-nothing Mr. Peewit has run 
away with poor Miss Griffin. How can women be invei- 
gled into doing such things ? As soon as Mrs. Strong- 
itharm found it out, she started after them, and I pre- 
sume will not return. 

" This morning John Long and Mary Short gave warn- 
ing. They are to be married on Thursday, and then set 
up in the public line. Papa sent for John, and gave him 
a long lecture. I happened to be in Miss Griffin's room 
overhead when they were talking ; but I won't repeat 
everything that papa said ; in fact I did not quite under- 
stand it all, not even all that which was in English. 


John said he wasn't a chicken ; though what he meant by it 
I don't know, unless that he wouldn't be hen-pecked. 

" Mary has just brought me your letter enclosed in an en- 
velope addressed to her. How happy I am that you prom- 
ise to write every day ! Yet have I cause for uneasiness, 
for you know the two weeks are up on the 4th of June, 
and that dreadful clay is drawing near ; but I rely upon 
you. Please don't have anything more to do with that 
hateful Mr. Longshanks, who wrote you that unfeeling 
letter. Break off your partnership with him. What is 
the use of business ? "We only want two or three thou- 
sand a year to live on, and you can make that easily 
enough in some other way. Adieu. 

"Ever your own 

" Cherry." 

from the same to the same. 

" Thursday. 

"John and Mary are married and gone. They had a 
dreadful scene in the morning, for Bridget, the cook, told 
him Mary had been receiving letters every day from New 
York ; so he suspected all sorts of naughty things, and be- 
came furiously jealous, and threatened to kill her and 
then commit suicide ; but I pacified him by telling him 
the letters were for me, and then he dropped on his 
knees and begged Mary's pardon, and kissed her hands, 
and wanted to kiss me too, for he was almost beside him- 
self, and laughed although tears were in his eyes, and the 
cook cried and I cried ; so that altogether we had quite a 
time. By-the-by, Professor Malpest was surprised at 
so many letters coming for Mary, and this morning, as ill 
luck would have it, he happened to come in just as she 

246 the rnnosornEns of foufouville. 

was handing mc your last, and gave me such a look, and 
I felt the color come and go to my cheeks, and I know he 
suspected something. Now that she is gone, enclose 
your missives to Bridget O'Brien. I will tell her to hand 
them to me unperccived. O Lenny ! it is painful to me to 
deceive my father in this wa}' ; bul what can I do? Is it 
a woman's duty to sacrifice the happiness of her life to a 
parent's unreasonableness? Why do you write such 
short notes? I don't think that ' business,' hateful ' busi- 
ness,' is a valid excuse. Am I not of more importance 

in your eyes than ' business ' ? " 




" I have not received aline since Mary Short left, three 
days ago. O Lenny ! this is not kind. When Bridget 
told me this morning she had nothing for me, I shut my- 
self up in my room and had a good cry. Minerva (poor 
thing!) alwaj^s said that men were unfeeling creatures ; 
and I believe she was right. Now that so few are left 
here, this great house seems like a ' banquet hall deserted,' 
and as the professor has papa entirely to himself, his 
influence over him seems to increase every day. Papa 
has positively determined that — you know what — shall 
take place on the 4th, Avhich is only a week from to-day. 
I shudder, Lenny, but trust in you. Can you believe it, 
but this morning he actually spoke to me harshly, and 
called me ' pig-headed,' because I begged at least for a 
postponement? A certain person persecutes me from 
morning till night with his odious attentions. O 
Lenny ! do not keep me any longer in suspense. Write 
immediately on receipt of this. " C." 



" Sunday. 

" Why do you keep me in this dreadful state of suspense ? 
It is eighty-nine hours and a half (89 J) since I received 
your last note. This is cruel. Papa's infatuation for 
you know who grows upon him, and he is now almost un- 
kind in his manner towards me. I feel as if there was no 
one in the world who loved me, but you, — and you, too, 
seem to have deserted me. Your neglect is very, very 
painful to me. Truly, as Minerva said, — woman's lot is 
an unhappy one. 

" If you don't write to me soon, I don't know what I 
shall do. " C. G." 


" Wednesday. 
"Dearest Leander, — Your cruel silence is more 
than I can bear. Oh ! it gives rise to such dreadful 
suspicions ! I cannot bear to dwell upon them. He tells 
me it is clear you have found some other Cherry, and your 
continued neglect seems to verify his words. I feel as if 
my heart would break. " C." 


"June 2d. 
"Sir, — It is now a week since you have deigned to 
write to me. This atrocious conduct proves too clearly 
that you have ceased to care for me. Some other and 
fairer form has usurped my place in your volatile heart. 
You are unworthy of the love of a true woman ; but, thank 
Heaven! my eyes have been opened in time, before my 
feelings had become too deeply engaged ; and now, sir, 

248 the rniLOSornEns of foufouville. 

your indifference is only equalled by mine, and I hereby 
release j'ou from an engagement that could only be con- 
ducive to unhappiness, since mutual affection is wanting." 

" Charity Goodenough. 
" O Lcander ! I did not expect this from you." 


"Hotel of the Metropolis. 

" Half-past 11 o'clock, A. m., June 3d. 

"Dear Dick, — Quit all business and come to me 
immediately. This is urgent and most important. Al- 
though I have written regularly once a day and some- 
times twice, she has failed to receive my letters for at 
least a week. The postmaster of the city told me it 
could not be the fault of his department ; so I have tele- 
graphed to the postmaster-general at Washington. There 
is a dark mystery somewhere. If that villain is at the 
bottom of it, he shall find that he has roused the slumber- 
ing lion, who will prove a thorn in his side, which will 
make him drink the cup of bitterness to the very dregs. 

" Richard, my friend, she has broken off our engage- 
ment, and I am miserable, for I have loved her. Oh, how 
I have loved her ! and this evidence of the lightness of her 
character seems only to increase my passion. With 
that fickle sex it is ' Out of -sight, out of mind ; ' but no, 
she was right. Had she not just cause to suppose I had 
ceased to love ? I am incensed at myself for having blamed 
her. To-morrow is the day, — the fatal day fixed by her 
father. There is no time to lose. We must take decided 
measures. Richard Longshanks, give up all and come 
to the hotel without delay, on receipt of this. If I fail 


to obtain her there will be no joy for me henceforth in 
life. » In haste. 

" L. L." 


" 1 o'clock. 

"DearLen, — Your note reached me about an hour 
ago, just as I was sitting clown to lunch at Gudgeon's (by 
the way, that's the place for mock-turtle). There is no 
hurry, since the marriage is not to take place till to-mor- 
row, and we can drive down there in a couple of hours. 

" I will dine with you at six o'clock, and we will dis- 
cuss the matter calmly over our wine and cigars. 

"E. L. 

" P. S. — I would like to try you at chess again this 


"June 3d. 
" My own dearest Lennt, — Coine to me at once — the 
whole secret is out. Oh, how hasty I was ! — how I have 
wronged you ! To think of that vile thing, Bridget, giving 
your letters to Professor Malpest as fast as she received 
them. Oh, the wicked, good-for-nothing traitress ! — and 
then to think of the duplicity of that dark villain of a 
professor, to keep telling me that since you did not write 
to me it was evident you had ceased to love me — and 
your dear letters in his coat-pocket all the time. Why 
did I listen to him ? How could I believe you false ? I 
am so overcome that I hardly know what I write. I 
dread to tell you the rest, and yet I must. 


"Believing (credulous that I was) the insinuations of 
that perfidious man, that you were not true to me, that 
you had found some other Cherry more attractive than 
my poor self, I weakly yielded to the solicitations, or 
rather the commands, of my father ; and, supposing our 
engagement to be at an end, and feeling by turns indig- 
nant or utterly prostrated in spirit (wretched girl that I 
am !) I reluctantly consented to marry that false, unprin- 
cipled deceiver. He wanted the ceremony to take place 
immediately, but I insisted on postponing it until the 
day previously decided on by papa, which gives me thirty- 
six hours' grace from this time, — for six o'clock to-mor- 
row afternoon is the appointed hour. 

" When Bridget perceived my grief at my impending 
calamity, she attributed it entirely to my not receiving 
the letters (for she did not know of my — Ugh ! I 
shudder to think of it), and she stole up to my room, 
where I Avas almost crying my eyes out, and confessed 
what she had done. I reproached her bitterly for her 
double-dealing, and asked her how she could do such a 
thing ; and then she began to sob, and hung down her 
head, and said my trouble was nothing to hers ; and then 
she gave mysterious hints, and went on in a very strange 
manner ; but I could not make out what she was driving 
at, for the only intelligible thing she said was, ' Sure, 
miss, I niver dhramed you would take it so barred.' As 
soon as she left me, I went straight to the professor and 
demanded the letters. He at first prevaricated about 
them ; but when I informed him that Bridget had told me 
all, he turned pale and actually seemed to grow weak in 
the knees, which proves that even the greatest of criminals 
can be ashamed of his wicked deeds. Then he said he 


had burnt them ; but this proved to be a deliberate false- 
hood, for immediately afterwards he showed them all to 
my father, who became violently excited against me, and 
said they were a physiological proof that I ought to be 
married without delay. 

" The professor afterwards had a grand scene with 
Biddy. I suppose he was reproving her for informing 
against him ; but she is a girl of spirit, and answered him 
back, but I did not hear what she said. 

" Lenny, come to me instantly, or I shall do something 

" Your own, own 

" Cherry. 

"P. S. — Bear in mind that I don't know a word of 
what was in your letters, excepting what papa told me, 
and that was nothing. * 

" I shall watch for you all day long, to-morrow. 

" Was there ever in the wide world such an unlucky 
girl as I am ? — engaged to two at once ! " 


" Wall Street, June 3d, 1850. 

" Dear Sir, — We have the pleasure of informing you 
that the investigations, instituted under your instructions 
of the 23d ult., have resulted most happily ; for we have 
obtained indubitable evidence that Malpest has defrauded 
Dr. Gooclenough out of sums of sufficient magnitude to 
insure his conviction of grand larceny. 

" On comparing the copies of his vouchers, furnished 
us by you, with the books of Messrs. Grubb & Co- } gon- 


eral provision dealers, it was found that either the figures 
in his receipts had been altered, or, what is more prob- 
able, that the entire originals were forgeries, — that firm 
not having received the sums alleged as having been 
receipted for. To specify, wc subjoin a copy from the 
entries in the ledger of sales to the said Malpest, as fiscal 
agent for the Society of Harmonians, which, compared 
with the vouchers, shows a difference in his favor of 225 
T V ff dollars." 

[Here follow the items from the ledger of Grubb & Co.] 

" An examination of the books of Messrs. "Weevil Bros., 
flour merchants, Kane & Co., sugar dealers, and Rice & 
Curry, wholesale grocers, revealed similar, though more 
extensive, frauds. 

"We have also put ourselves in communication with 
Palladio Styles, Esq., the architect, and, from the devel- 
opments already come to light, have reason to believe 
that the peculations of Malpest will be found to have 
commenced with the very foundation of the benevolent 
institution of Dr. Goodenough. 

" The proper course for you to pursue is, to confer with 
the District Attorney, who will issue a warrant for the 
arrest of the guilty party. 

" In regard to Dr. Goodenough, we regret to say that 
we do not think the facts, as presented to us, in relation 
to that gentleman, are quite sufficient to prove him to be 
non compos mentis, and consequently we cannot conscien- 
tiously advise you to apply for a writ de lunatico in- 

" If you have reason to believe that the young lady is 
restrained of her liberty against her will, and she is of 


age, the matter can Tbe judicially investigated under the 
habeas corpus act. 

" Kespectfully, your obedient servants, 

"Shakpe &Kean." 



In which the Virtuous are rewarded, and the Wicked 

On the 4th day of June, 1850, two cavaliers were seen 
ascending a hill. It was a lovely afternoon. The tender 
buds, incipient leaves, were sprouting forth on the 
branches of all the trees, harbingers of the dense foliage 
of summer ; nature's soft carpet (in some places in grain), 
beautifully variegated with daisies, buttercups, and other 
floral ornaments, covered with its soft verdure the face of 
the landscape, while birds of varied plumage were heard 
carolling their epitbalamiums in the boughs overhead, 
or seen bringing dry twigs, with which to build the nup- 
tial couch. Did the scene of our story lay in Arcadia, in 
the early age of Iron and Innocence, we should add that 
lambs were skipping on every hill-side, shepherds, with 
blue silk ribbons in their hats (if it was a stage Arcadia), 
piping their impassioned strains to beautiful shepherd- 
esses, in red rosettes, and the sparkling waters, trickling 
from the dissolving snows of Taygetus flowing in bub- 
bling brooks and purling streams to swell the volume of the 
classic Alpheus, while the king of birds perched on top of 
Acro-Corinthus was looking down from his eyrie in search 
of something to eat. But, alas, for romance ! The incident 
of which we are speaking occurred in this prosaic nineteenth 
century, in the sterile State of New Jersey. So, instead 
of Strephons and Chloes, the sturdy farmer was seen 


ploughing his weary way through eighteen inches of sand 
and mud (for he was a sub-soiler, though not a free-soil- 
er), anon scowling and swearing at his raw-boned Rosi- 
nante, anon smiling serenely as his mental vision took in. 
future acres of cabbages ; while his homely housewife, 
with bare arms and frock tucked up to her waist, display- 
ing her many-colored balmoral, was busy in the dairy 
making Dutch cheese. The shrill voice of chanticleer, 
crowing defiance to his haughty rivals, was echoed in all 
directions, while the feathered inmates of his harem 
cackled joyously over new-laid eggs, feeling as happy as 
a poet who had just been delivered of a new idea, a lay 
of love, which might perhaps develop itself into a full- 
grown volume, and eventually bring him golden eggs — 
unless killed by the cold hand of criticism. From a 
neighboring marsh, the frog, degenerate descendant of 
the antediluvian labyrinthodon, croaked an accompani- 
ment to legions of crows, who were flying northward and 
cawing hoarsely in their flight. All nature seemed to be 
singing a song of welcome at the coming of summer, the 
scale of the unmusical gamut being crowned by the steam 
whistle of Old Buck, the locomotive of the Camden and 
Amboy Railroad, which gave a series of shrieks that 
would have startled the American eagle, if that game 
bird could be alarmed by empty noise. 

We used the term " cavaliers" in a metaphorical sense, 
for our two heroes were not on horseback, but were driv- 
ing in a buggy. The mud with which their vehicle and 
their persons were liberally bespattered, and the jaded 
appearance of their steed, showed that they had come a 
considerable distance. In fact they had driven from 
New York. The superficial observer might have mistaken 

256 tiie rniLOSOPiiERS of foufoutille. 

them for a couple of itinerant fortune-seekers, for, in the 
front part of the wagon, there was a hand-organ, while a 
pedlar's pack was strapped behind the seat ; but he who 
scrutinized them more closely would have seen in the re- 
fined features and delicate hands of the younger traveller 
the tokens of gentle blood, while the air and manner 
of the older of the two, who seemed fond of handling and 
jingling the silver coins in his pocket, showed the true 
man of the world, — that is to say, the world of Wall 

" Whip him up, Dick ! make him go ! " cried the younger, 
impatiently. " It seems to me we crawl." 

" Crawl ! " answered the other. " Why, we've been 
crawling fifteen miles an hour, since leaving the ferry. 
There is no hurry, Lenny, my boy, for it is not yet four 

"Ha! there it is," exclaimed the one addressed as 
Lenny, on reaching the top of a hill, pointing to a large 
building in the vale below. " Those walls contain all 
that I prize on earth. Perhaps at this moment she 
is waiting for me, and could see the dust that we would 
raise, if there was any. Poor Cherry, she has no sister 
Anne to keep her company ! Even Biddy, the cook, is 
false. But her Leander is true. As to that scoundrel — 
may my right arm be with — " 

" Now Lenny Lovell, just keep cool," said Dick, whom 
the intelligent reader has of course recognized as Mr. 
Longshanks, and who now sprang from the wagon, 
tied the horse to a tree, and a nose-bag of oats to his 

" Cool ! " answered Lovell, " I am perfectly cool, and 
if I catch the fellow I'll thrash him within an inch of his 


life, — the contemptible miscreant ! Do hnrry up. You 
move like a snail. I want to be off." 

" Listen to me," replied Longshanks, lighting a cigar. 
" If you enter the premises you will be certain to kick 
up a rumpus, for, disguised as you may be, your voice 
will betray you, the young lady will scream, perhaps she'll 
faint, or you will pitch into Malpest, and all will be up. 
Old Goodenough will take the alarm, and make her marry 
the fellow instanter." 

" She would not do it." 

"Perhaps not ; but I never like to trust to lack. The 
better plan is for me to assume the pack (for the doctor 
is the only one who knows me), and go on a reconnois- 
sance. If possible I shall obtain an interview with the 
fair one, and arrange the programme for your meeting. 
By the way, I hope you've made arrangements with u 
parson ? " 

" Yes," answered Lovell, " and Peewit, at his particu- 
lar request, is to give the bride away. I did the same for 
him, and one good turn deserves another." 

"It was Peewit, not the Griffin, you should have given 

"Is this a time to joke? I agree to your project, 
but insist on going with you." 

" If you will do it," replied Longshanks, " take the 
hand-organ, my gay and gallant troubadour ; but I charge 
you not to follow me into the house. I will return and 
let you know what is to be done. Then I shall go to the 
village, where the sheriff is to meet me, and while you 
are borne in the buggy on the wings of love, I shall 
spring the trap. Give me your love-letter ; it requires no 
answer, I believe ; and help me on with these things." 

258 the pnnosopnERS of foufoutille. 

" How heavy this confounded hand-organ is ! " said 
Lovell, as they started for Harmony Hall. " It will twist 
my shoulders off." 

" This plaguy pack almost breaks my back," answered 
Longshanks, trudging along with difficulty under his 

While our two paladins were tramping towards Har- 
mony Hall, Dr. Goodenough was sitting in his study 
reading some letters just received by mail. Among them 
was the following from Prof. Gummp. 


" Respected Friend, — Accept my congratulations on 
the triumphant success of your most worthy enterprise. 
The great American people have conferred new obligations 
on the rest of mankind. 

" I am sorry to say that my translation of that elevated 
work, the New Utopia, does not seem to be appreciated by 
the German intellect, and its publication has subjected 
me to a pecuniary loss. It is too profound in thought, 
and its sentiments are too lofty for the materialistic mind 
of the present day ; but the time will come when its super- 
lative merits will be understood, — a time when practical 
realism shall give place to speculative idealism, when 
man, no longer anthropopathical, shall contemplate the 
metaphysical harmonies of the soul, and, ceasing to ingur- 
gitate the biological philosophy of the present, shall reject 
amphibological physianthropics and exist in his sphere ac- 
cording to the preordained universal laws of androgynal 
asthetics. " Your brother in Progress, 

" Gummp." 


Professor Malpest was in his room, dyeing and friz- 
zling his hair, cleaning his false teeth, washing his face 
with cream, pulling out superfluous hairs with a tweezer, 
and dressing himself in the customary costume of a bride- 

In the kitchen, Biddy the cook was scrubbing the 
floor and muttering to herself as she worked. " Sure and 
what does he mane by a sittlement?" said she. "Be 
jabers, there is only one sittlement will contint the daugh- 
ter of Pathrick O'Brien. And what for did he want to 
sind me off to the city this day? I misthrust there's some 
diviltry up, ochone ! But ' it's an ill wind that blows no- 
body no good ! ' If it's me young mistress he's a-decavin' 
too, by the howly Virrgin ! but it's to the ould docther 
himsilf I'll confess — I will." 

Her meditations were interrupted by the discordant 
strains of the most out-of-tune hand-organ ever ground in 
public. Biddy was not in the best of humors, and the 
jarring sounds grated disagreeably on her nerves. 

"Be off with you," she cried, going to the door, — " be 
off with you, with your ould dog Thray ; sure we've 
throubles enough of our own without listening to those 
of a baste." 

" Don't speak so harshly to the poor man," said Charity, 
who was sitting in her window, as she tossed a shilling to 
Bridget. " Give him this trifle, and if you don't like his 
music, tell him he need not play any more." 

Biddy threw the money at the organ-grinder, and 
noticed as she again ordered him away that he was most 
shabbily dressed, had a large black patch over one eye, 
and his slouched hat drawn down over the other as if he 
were ashamed to show his face ; in fact, little of it could be 

2C0 the rniLOsor/iEns of foufouville. 

seen excepting a beard and mustache that would have 
done honor to the most ferocious of bandits. 

The musician picked up the silver coin, and, kissing it, 
put it in his pocket. He stopped turning his forlorn in- 
strument, but instead of going away sat down on a stump, 
being apparently very much fatigued. 

The cook resumed her work and her soliloquy, 

" He'll make it right, will he indade ? " said she, " when 
sure it's only the praste himself can do that same. Brid- 
get O'Brien was never born to be a cookin' and scrubbin' 
all her life like me poor ould mother in Mullygatawny. 
"Why should I be slavin' down here while Miss Charity — 
but no harruin to her, for she's a swate young crater — sits 
a mopin' and a rnopin' upstairs doing nothing at all at all. 
Aint me father's daughter as good as she and perhaps a 

Her reflections were again interrupted. This time it 
was by a peddler. If Joseph's coat of many colors had 
been worn by all his descendants, and been patched and 
repatched by successive generations down to the present 
time, it could not have looked worse than the garment 
which had fallen to the lot of that peddler, and his whole 
costume was in keeping with it ; he looked, in short, like a 
living embodiment of "Old Clo." By a strange coinci- 
dence he also had a black patch over one eye, and the 
lower part of his face was concealed by a muffler, as if he 
were suffering from the toothache. 

"Any pins, needles, thimbles, scissors, thread?" said 
he, deliberately walking in and setting his pack down on 
the kitchen floor. 

" Go long wid yez," said Biddy ; " I don't want noth- 
ing to do with you, nor any of your tribe." 


" Here are some beautiful rings, breastpins, bracelets ; 
smuggled in," continued the persistent peddler with a wink. 
" Got to sell 'em to reduce stock. Have 'em cheap." 

" I tell yez I don't want nothing," said Biddy ; but her 
eyes betrayed her tongue, for she seemed unable to raise 
them from an enormous pinchbeck brooch containing 
twenty-seven pieces of different-colored glass. 

" This is an elegant jewel," said the peddler, holding 
up the glittering bauble, — "the latest style, quite the 
fashion, all the rage, just like the one Queen Victoria wore 
at her coronation." 

" Sure and it is a beauty," said Biddy ; " but how can 
I buy it when I haven't niver a cint of money? " 

" No money ? " replied the peddler. " Well, then, sup- 
pose I tell you a way of getting this matchless, magnif- 
icent, superb, superfine work of art without paying a 
penny ? " 

" It's a-jokin' ye are," said Biddy, as her dyes sparkled. 

" No, I mean what I say. Are there not other ladies 
in the house ? " 

" None but Miss Cherry, — a swate gurrl as ever lived ; 
but she won't come down, for she's got the megrims like, 
and kapes herself shut up in her room all the day long 
a-sobbin' and a-cryin' as if her heart would break — poor 
thing ! I suspicion there's a young man summus about, 
and he's played her false, for they are decavin' critters 
are the man forninst us women-folks." 

The peddler held the brooch up to the window so that 
the bits of glass sparkled and flashed in the sunlight. 

" Possibly," said he, " your young mistress may be 
induced to purchase some of my .valuable wares ; so just 
listen to me. If you will take this wax flower to her, and 

262 the rnnosornERS of foufovville. 

ask her to examine it well, she may buy it ; but, mark ! 
don't show it to anybody else ; and mind ! tell her that a 
peddler is here with letter-paper and envelopes. Do that, 
and this gorgeous jewel, which formed part of the loot of 
Delhi, where it was the principal ornament in the famous 
peacock's throne of Aurungzebee, who captured it in battle 
from Genghis Khan, who stole it from the Emperor of 
China, — this unique gem shall be yours." 

Biddy did not wait to be bidden a second time, but, 
snatching the wax flower, she bounced out of the kitchen, 
her hoops in her heedlessness catching in her pail, upset- 
ting it and spilling the dirty water over the floor, com- 
pletely saturating the unlucky peddler, who happened to 
be sitting within a foot of it. She ran upstairs and into 
Miss Charity's room without knocking, for, in her eager- 
ness to possess th e showy prize, she did not think of the 
dignity and politeness which should ever be found in the 
descendants of Brian-Boru. 

Charity was sitting by her window, watching and weep- 
ing, for the wedding day, so joyfully anticipated by 
most young maidens, brought no visions of happiness to 

" Why does that grizzly organ-grinder sit staring at 
me from the stump with his hideous one eye ? " she said 
to herself. "He has doubtless his sorrows, poor man; 
but what are they to mine, alas ! Perhaps even he is ca- 
pable of love ; perhaps there are those who nave loved 
him. He is again kissing the mite I gave him. Why 
did I not send him more ? " 

" Ah ! miss," exclaimed Bridget ; " there's such a nice- 
spoken gintleman downstairs, with such beautiful things 
to sell, and a black patch over his eye." 


" I want nothing that he can give," answered Charit}\ 
" If he is hungry, offer him food." 

" He asked me to show you this jewel of a flower, miss. 
You might fancy it, for it's a rare plant." 

"I care no longer for flowers, nor for anything. 
Leave me." 

" And he has leather-paper and invilopes, mum," said 
Biddy, who would not be rebuffed. 

Charity had mechanically glanced at the flower. Sud- 
denly she started. 

" It is — it is — an oleander. O leander ! " she cried, 
clasping her hands together. Then (for even the most 
artless of women are more or less ruse) she thought of 
the perfidious cook, and said with assumed calmness, — 

" This is my favorite flower. I will look over the man's 
stock. Perhaps I will take some letter-paper." 

Miss Charity descended into the kitchen, her face suf- 
fused with smiles and blushes ; but, on seeing the peddler, 
she turned pale and started back. She had expected to 
meet Lovell. Mr. Longshanks she did not recognize, for 
she had seen him only once before, and that was in the 

" The original of this rare flower is not far off, miss, 
and here are pins and needles — (my name is Long- 
shanks)," — said he, speaking alternately aloud, or in a 
whisper, according as what he said was meant for the ears 
of Miss Charity or of Biddy. 

" Here," said he, " are was figures of all kinds. 
Here's Gen'l Washington (that's him sitting on the 
stump), and a bust of Napoleon (all mustaches and whisk- 
ers), and Julius Caesar (with a hand-organ) ; and here are 
fine-tooth combs (we've got a carriage), all ivory, and 

264 the rniLOSornERS of foufouville. 

coarse ones, real tortoise-shell, — no mock-turtle here, — 
(but it's only a buggy), and jews-harps, penny-whistles, 
pictures of Cupid (what shall I tell him), and here are 
envelopes too, and letter-paper." 

As he spoke, he ran his finger over the edge of a 
package of envelopes, causing them to diverge so that 
the young lady saw her name written on one of them. 

" Won't you buy them (and meet him on top of the 
hill) ? " 

" Yes, yes," answered Charity. " How much are they ? " 

"How much! Let me think. (At what hour ?) I 
usually get five or six shillings for them. Suppose we say 
five and a half ? Does that suit you? Five and a half! " 

"Yes, — I agree to it, — Jive and a half," said Miss 
Charit}', taking the package and handing a dollar bill to 

" Five and a half (on top of the hill)," said he, giving 
the young lady a dollar in small change, and handing 
Biddy the brooch of Genghis Khan. 

Professor Malpest now came into the kitchen, dressed 
to perfection, and, giving a sharp look at the peddler, or- 
dered him to leave. 

" I'll have no swindling tramps in my house," said he ; 
" off with you." 

Longshanks having satisfactorily finished his negotia- 
tion, prepared to obey, when the professor, encouraged 
by his apparent meekness, rudely pushed him by the 
shoulders to accelerate his exit. Like a flash the false 
peddler turned and struck him a stunning blow with his 
fist, between the eyes that fairly made him reel, following 
it up with a left-hander on the nose, that caused the blood 
to spirt out over his white waistcoat, and to trickle over 


his spotless cravat and -well-starched shirt-bosom. Chari- 
ty screamed, Biddy yelled " bloody murther," and the re- 
cipient of the castigation, clapping his hands over his 
face, fled from the kitchen. The doctor, disturbed by the 
outcry, came hurrying in to see what was the matter ; but 
the instant Longshanks caught sight of him he dropped 
his pack, scattering its contents around in miscellaneous 
confusion, and, darting out of the door, ran up the road as 
fast as he could go. He could not have run faster had 
the doctor been pursuing him with a legion of Greeks 
and Eomans. The organ-grinder, impatient to receive 
intelligence of his beloved, followed hard after him, leav- 
ing his instrument in the middle of the road. Longshanks 
did not stop until, quite out of breath, he reached the top 
of the hill. When Leander at last caught up with him, 
he was so full of laughter that it was five minutes before 
the impatient lover could get an intelligible word out of 
him as to the result of his adventure. While they were 
throwing off the toggery that concealed their ordinary 
habiliments, he told Leander of the arrangement made 
with Charity. 

In the mean time Professor Malpest, with battered 
visage and soiled garments, slunk crestfallen to his room, 
astounded at the impudence and audacity of a beggarly 

The doctor led Charity into his study, and, after a long 
and learned preamble, which we will not inflict on the 
reader, informed her that the clergyman would soon 
arrive to unite her in the holy bonds of matrimony, to 
that exemplary and upright man, brother Nicholas Mal- 
pest, and he hoped that she was quite prepared for the 
ceremony. Miss Charity, with a dissimulation of which 


2GG tiijs rniLOsornEiis of foufouville. 

no one would have supposed her capable, had she not 
given such a striking and lamentable proof of it on this 
occasion, answered that she " would consent to be married 
that night." 

Her father, joyous at this evidence of filial obedience, 
pressed her to his heart. Her tears flowed fast ; and we 
regard these evidences of sorrow as having been highly 
creditable to her, for they were doubtless caused by some 
compunctions of conscience at the deceit of which she 
was guilty towards her parent. Is there not a lesson in 
this to old and young ? "We are not much given to moral- 
izing, — it is tedious to the author and a bore to the 
reader, — but we will observe here, that this conduct of 
Charity Goodenough proves that in misfortune evil 
thoughts will come to us in spite of ourselves, thoughts 
of which in happiness we never would have deemed our- 
selves capable. What virtue is there in apparent good- 
ness which has never been tried ? The false may be as 
fair to look upon as the real ; it is only when weighed in 
the balance that it is found wanting. We do not mean 
to insinuate by this that our heroine was less perfect than 
young ladies in general. Artless maiden, openly engaged 
to the man of your choice, chide not poor Cherry for mis- 
conduct, of which you j T ourself would doubtless have been 
guilty, had you been subjected to the same temptation. 
Good young man, shake not your head and say you 
" would not want such a deceitful girl." Suppose you 
were iu the place of Leander Lovell. Ah ! that would 
make a difference, — would it not? Prim mother of a 
family, solemn pater familias, you will have read this 
book in vain if — but enough ; not wanting the reader to 


skip that which it gives us trouble to write, we will ser- 
monize no more. 

On leaving her father, Charity hied to her room, hastily 
wrote some lines on a sheet of paper, and, putting a few 
articles of apparel in her satchel, stole softly downstairs, 
passed out of the house by the back door, and, escaping 
through the garden, met her anxious and impatient lover 
at the appointed try sting-place. They were soon speed- 
ing at a rapid rate towards the altar of Hymen. 

At six o'clock, the Rev. Hieronymus Knox made his 
appearance at Harmony Hall ; and at the same time Pro- 
fessor Malpest emerged from his room, wearing an 
expression of complete satisfaction, and apparently much 
in love — with himself, notwithstanding the piece of 
court-plaster on his nose. The professor, the doctor, and 
the minister entered the reception room. But the bride, 
where was she ? The doctor was about to go in search 
of her, when the sound of approaching footsteps was 
heard ; the door was thrown wide open by Biddy, and 
Richard Longshanks, Esq., whom the professor instantly 
recognized as the quondam peddler, walked into the room 
accompanied by two constables. 

" I have a warrant fpr the arrest of this man," said he, 
laying his hand on the shoulder of the professor, who 
turned pale from the terror of conscious guilt. 

" What for — what — what for? " he asked, with quiv- 
ering lips. 

" For forgery," answered Longshanks. " For forging 
the names of Grubb & Co., Weevil Bros., Rice & Curry, 
Palladio Styles, and others, to certain false receipts, and 
thus defrauding Dr. Goodenough out of considerable sums 
of money." 

268 the rnnosopnERs of foufouville. 

" What can this mean? " asked the doctor. 

" It means, sir," replied Longshanks, " that this thiev- 
ing knave has inveigled you into this Foufouville folly in 
order to rob you at his leisure ; and, by obtaining the 
hand of your daughter, to eventually get possession of all 
your property." 

"It cannot be possible," said the doctor. "Brother 
Nicholas guilty of dishonesty ! It is all an error." 

Malpest, who had partially recovered his presence of 
mind, turned to Longshanks, and, in a low tone of voice, 
proposed to compromise the matter, offering him money, 
and adding, " As to the girl, she can go." 

"Despicable scoundrel ! do j t ou judge others by your- 
self? " answered Longshanks. " You cannot bribe 

" Bribe ! " exclaimed the doctor. " Can it be true? I 
am dumfounded." 

Then suddenly seized with indignation, he grabbed 
Malpest by the collar, and shook him as a cat would 
shake a mouse. The miserable wretch, who in his en- 
counter with the peddler had shown himself a still greater 
coward even than scoundrel, dropped on his knees and 
begged piteously for mercy. 

"Drag him away ! drag him away ! off with him ! " cried 
the doctor. "Will wonders never cease? What will 
happen next? I am overwhelmed." 

A constable now stepped forward with his handcuffs, 
and was about to fix them on Malpest' s wrists, when 
Biddy, who had stood peeping at the procedings through 
the half-open door, rushed in, exclaiming, — 

"Ah! the doubly decavin' villain, but he's cotched 
in his own trap, he is, by the howly St. Patrick. But ye'll 


not take him away at all, at all, till he's made an honest 
woman of me." 

" What do you mean, what do you mean, Biddy? " in- 
quired Longshanks. 

"And what do I mane, is it? Sure what I mane is 
that I'm a'most three months gone already ; bad luck to 
him ! " 

"Hey! what! has he got you in the fam — " cried 
Longshanks, tossing his hat up to tho ceiling, dancing 
about with frantic delight, and giving way to transports 
of laughter. 

" Nicholas guilty of concupiscence ! I am horrified," 
said the doctor, sinking back in his chair, as if utterly 
deprived of strength by the dreadful and unexpected in- 

"Bridegroom, what say you to this new charge?" 
asked Longshanks. 

" Let me off! let me off ! I'll make it all right. I'll do 

"It isn't I that will thrust him for that same," said 

"I am sick at heart," said the doctor. "This vile 
business must be settled. Infamous wretch ! if you will 
marry that woman, whom you have deceived, I will not 
prosecute you, — you shall keep your ill-gotten gains; 
otherwise, the law must take its course." 

" Anything — anything," answered Malpest. 

"Stand up then," said the Rev. Hieronymus Knox. 

The weak-kneed rascal scrambled trembling to his feet, 
and, maintaining himself with difficulty on his legs, was 
married to Biddy, the cook. 


"When the ceremony was over, the doctor could no 
longer control his rage and exasperation. 

" D — n you, you infernal emissary of Satan ! " he cried, 
swearing for the first and only time in his life ; " get out 
of my sight, and never let me see your face again." 

By way of emphasis to his order, he gave Malpcst a vig- 
orous kick behind, which sent him howling out of the 
room like a Avhipped cur. He immediately made his 
exit from the house, and when last seen was hurrying up 
the road, with Biddy — who feared her husband would 
escape her — in full chase, her red hair streaming in the 
wind, and glowing in the setting sun as if it were on fire. 
Longshanks and the constables, recollecting that their 
warrant was still unexecuted, followed after. 

" Sir, you need repose. I will go. Adieu," said the 
Rev. Mr. Knox, taking his departure. 

The doctor, when the excitement under which he was 
laboring had somewhat subsided, resolved to seek con- 
solation in the society of his daughter. He went up to 
her room, and knocked at the door, once, twice, thrice ; 
but, receiving no response, he entered. Her unfinished 
embroidery stood in its accustomed corner, her clothing 
was strewn about in disorder, and on her work-table he 
observed a note addressed to himself. He opened it and 
read as follows, — 

" June 4. 

"Dear, dear Papa, — In a few hours I shall be the 
wife of the noblest and truest of men, — my own Leander. 
Pardon me for my wicked deception; my feelings are 
stronger than my will. 

" Ever your own 

" Cherry." 


Dr. Goodenough was alone in Harmony Hall. 

We had the honor of becoming acquainted with Dr. 
Goodenough about a year after the occurrence of the 
events that we have recorded in this narrative. He was 
then residing in the city with his daughter and son-in- 
law, Mr. and Mrs. Lovell. Most of his time was spent 
in preparing a new edition of his works (which his pub- 
lisher, with singular blindness to his own interests, de- 
clined to bring out) ; for, notwithstanding his disastrous 
experience at Harmony Hall, he still continued to cherish 
his theories of reform. But his ideas would seem to 
have undergone some modification, for he acknowledged 
that the time had not yet come for their practical devel- 
opment. " Human beings," he said, " must first cease to 
be anthropopathical, and the mind of man attain a higher 
sphere of organization." In the evenings it was his 
greatest delight to take his little grandson, Jonathan G. 
Lovell, in his arms, and dance him on his knee. 

We are happy to say that he eventually regained pos- 
session of the real estate appertaining to the former 
phalanstery ; but his property was, nevertheless, much 
diminished by the embezzlements of Malpest. 

The old gentleman never liked to talk about his ex- 
periment at Harmony Hall, and it was seldom alluded to 
in his presence. The few months passed there appeared 
also to have left a painful impression on the mind of 
Mrs. Lovell ;.but it was otherwise with her husband, who 
always spoke of his Harmonian experience as a mere 


frolic. He long wore on his watch-chain a silver shilling, 
— a cherished memento of that period. He was exceed- 
ingly liberal to organ-grinders, whom he seemed to re- 
gard with a sort of fellow-feeling, until they became an 
intolerable nuisance, gathering arourld his house like 
mice about a Dutch cheese. Mr. Longshanks, his part- 
ner in business, was a constant visitor at his hospitable 
mansion. He appeared to have a strange weakness for 
peddlers, having been known, on one occasion, to buy out 
the whole stock in trade of an itinerant vender of small 
notions, at his own price, much to his astonishment, and 
distribute the miscellaneous assortment among some for- 
tunate beggars who happened to be standing by. 

Joseph Peewit, Esq., when we last heard of him, was 
residing near Jersey City (where he kept a fancy store), 
with his small -but rapidly increasing family. His wife, 
much to his chagrin, threw the MS. of her invaluable 
lecture, on the Co-relation of the Sexes, into the fire, be- 
fore the honeymoon was over. Posterity will thank us 
for the few fragments we have preserved of that remarka- 
ble production. After her marriage she withdrew en- 
tirely from the world of letters, refusing even the posi- 
tion of Secretary to the Literary Society of Communipaw. 

Mrs. Strongitharm soon consoled herself for the loss of 
the fickle Peewit, and took another partner. He pro- 
fessed to be a spiritualist ; and certainly a most violent 
spirit seemed to have gotten possession of him, for he gave 
Mrs. S. a Poland for all her Olivers by making her 
head the medium of constant knocks. 

As to Malpest, the doctor, according to his promise, 
refused to appear against him ; but he was, nevertheless, 
tried, and convicted of forgery, and sentenced to ten 


years' imprisonment. During his incarceration he was 
occasionally visited by reformers, and others, — mostly 
of the female sex ; for many persons regarded him as the 
victim of misplaced confidence, and more than one was 
heard to hurl anathemas on the head of Dr. Goodenough, 
who was regarded as the author of his ruin. He was, 
however, averse to receiving visitors, seeming to shrink 
from contact with his kind. The most persistent caller, 
and the one whose coming seemed to cause him the 
greatest annoyance, was a coarse, flashily-dressed woman, 
with a hideous, cross-eyed infant in her arms, who always 
heralded her advent by a large piece of pasteboard, which 
bore the following superscription in letters nearly a quar- 
ter of an inch long, — 


"Nee O'BRIEN." 

We regret to say that he was pardoned by the gov- 
ernor after about a year's imprisonment. 



An Account of the Philosopher Fou-foit. 

We have completed our history of the decline and fall 
of Harruonianism. But Harmonianism was but a branch 
of the banyan-tree of Foufouism, — the most wide-spread 
of all isms, — and we doubt not that we will be gratifying 
a natural curiosity in the reader, if we now give some ac- 
count of the founder of the fraternity of Foufouites. 

The means of doing so are happily at our command, for 
among the posthumous papers of the late lamented Dr. 
Goodenough, there was found a MS. translation of a very 
rare and curious Chinese work on Fou-fou, not a single 
copy of which has yet made its way into any of the pub- 
lic libraries of America or. Europe. 

"We subjoin this unique and interesting specimen of 
celestial literature without presuming to make editorial 
changes, with the exception of dotting an occasional t, for 
the doctor was notoriously negligent iu his chirography. 



Translated into Latin from the original Chinese of Ly-ing, by Ignatius 
Hook, a Jesuit missionary, and done into English with notes by Dk. J. 

In the 77th year of the reign of the great Fi-fo-fum, 

Khan of the Celestial Flowery Kingdom, Brother to the 


Sun and Moon, Lord of Heaven and Earth, and of the 
Seven Umbrellas, that is to say 2,222 years before the 
birth of Confucius, 1 there dwelt in the village of Yangts- 
chankiangkong 2 a retired rice-merchant, by the name of 
Bum. Now this Bum, who was a man of portly dimen- 
sions, had amassed a large fortune by selling spoiled rice 
for good, and, being the richest man in Yangtschankiang- 
kong, was much puffed up with self-conceit, and was 
greatly respected by all his neighbors, 3 who stuck out 
their tongues and scratched their right ears 4 whenever 
he passed. He was a man of low extraction, who in 
early life had made a living by keeping a corner tea-store. 
He laid the foundation of his fortune during the great re- 
bellion of the Southern provinces, when he contracted 
with the government to supply the army with one million 
catties of rice, and one hundred thousand taels of cattle. 
So bad was the quality of the food supplied by Bum, that 
when they were attacked by those terrible opium-eaters, 
the long haired Kanchew 5 Tartars, they had not strength 
to run away, and every one of them had his pigtail cut off 
two inches below his ears, 6 thereby incapacitating him from 
ever again serving the Khan as a soldier. So, in spite of, 
or rather perhaps in consequence of, the misfortunes of his 

1 This is clearly a chronological error, probably the fault of some tran- 
scriber, for as Confucius nourished in the sixth century B.C., it would placo 
the reign of Fi-fo-fum some years anterior to the Deluge. 

2 The name of this town does not appear on any of tho modern maps of 
China; but they are notoriously defective. 

3 How little human nature has changed! 

4 To this day a mark of respect in Thibet. — See Travels of Hue in Tartary. 

5 Now called Manchoos; probably from tho singular historical circum- 
stance here related. 

6 Doubtless a circumlocutory method of expressing decapitation. 


country, Burn -waxed wealthy and grew in the esteem of 
his fellow-citizens. His business increased ; he had 
agents in different provinces, and hundreds of boats for 
the transportation of his produce. They are called Bum 
boats to this day. So Bum, having become a man of 
wealth and consequence, removed from his miserable bam- 
boo dwelling in the environs of Yangtschankiangkong, 
and built himself a sumptuous mansion of porcelain and 
lacker ware in the very centre of the town. Of course he 
cut off all his former friends and acquaintances. 

It had long been the wish of Bum to have an heir to his 
name and his wealth ; but the divine Buddh, doubtless 
incensed at the wicked manner in which he had acquired 
his riches, long denied him this happiness. It was in 
vain that he erected a water praj'er-mill 7 that turned off 
one thousand prayers an hour ; it was in vain that he 
laid on the altar of Buddh rich offerings of fat pigs, 
boiled fish, and gallons of hot Sam-shoo wine ; 8 it was in 
vain that he shut himself up in the joss-house and per- 
formed the three hundred and thirty -three genuflections, 
and nine hundred and ninety-nine prostrations, touching 
the big toe of the idol with his nose at each prostration ; 
the god could be neither bribed nor cajoled into acceding 
to his wishes. At last, after twenty-five years of mar- 
riage, Mrs. Bum, who was the finest-looking woman in 
China, for she weighed nearly three hundred pounds, was 
seized with one of the four hundred and forty-four mala- 

7 Prayer mills are still common in tho Lama convents, and private houses 
of Tartary. Some of them are turned by the foot, like a knife-grinder's ma- 
chine, and the industrious owner can go on with his handiwork while his 
machine is praying for him. — See Travels of Hue in China and Tartary. 

8 It is still customary in China to offer food and drink to the gods, — a 
practico that is encouraged by the priests. 


dies of the body, and obliged to take to her bed. Dr. 
Quak was at once called in, and, in one month under his 
management, the poor woman was brought to the point of 
death, being reduced to mere skin and bones. But she 
eventually recovered, and in less than a year, to the as- 
tonishment of everybody, crowned the hopes of her hus- 
band by giving birth to a son. 

In the excess of his joy Bum gave a grand feast to all 
his friends and relations. There were birds'- nests soup, 
bon-bon stew, fried rat, sugar-cane worms, shrimp patties, 
salted eggs, sea-weed jelly, red-billed magpies, peacock's 
brains, mandarin ducks, boiled blubber, fish tripes, sharks' 
fins, sea-slugs, water snakes, dromedary's hump, fried 
frogs, kabobs, Bohea tea, Sam-shoo wine piping hot, and 
sweetmeats of every imaginable kind ; in short, all the 
delicacies known to the culinary art of China, whether in 
or out of season. All the guests stuffed themselves until 
they were sick, 9 and as to Bum, he ate so much, and drank 
so much, and laughed so much, that he went off in a fit of 
apoplexy. His relations of course went into the deepest 
mourning, dressing themselves in white 10 from head to 
foot, and letting the hair of their heads grow until it 
reached a length of nearly a quarter of an inch. u 

The little Peepee — for so the baby was named — was 
nursed with the greatest care. When he became old 
enough to begin his education a giver of wisdom was pro- 
cured for him, who kept him see-sawing backwards and 

9 This is not strange, for it has always been considered polite in China 
for the host to press his guests to eat, and the height of ill-breeding on the 
part of the latter to refuse anything offered. — See Sirr, five years in China. 

10 The mourning color in China; and how much more respectful to the 
Ruler of all things than black ! 

11 To this day the greatest compliment that can be paid to the deoeased. 


278 tee rniLOSornERS of foufovville. 

forwards from morning till night, repeating letters of the 
alphabet, or passages from the forty-four books of instruc- 
tion. At six years of age he knew six letters ; at ten he 
knew, by heart, quite a number of verses from the four 
sacred books ; and at fifteen he had made some progress 
in the five classics. All the ladies of the village who had 
daughters about his own age were amazed at his wonder- 
ful precocity. He was fond of displa3 7 ing his learning 
before his youthful companions, and cared nothing for 
their silly amusements. When one would propose a 
game of bones, he would answer with a verse from the book 
of Ho ; when challenged to play at hop-scotch, he would 
turn up his nose and walk away with an air of disdain. 
In consequence of these peculiar ways he was nick-named 
Fou-fou, which, in very ancient Chinese, is supposed to 
have meant " transcendental wisdom." 

Now it happened that next door to the widow Bum 
there lived an old lady, by the name of Mah, whose hus- 
band had also been an army contractor. He had agreed 
to furnish every man with a blue silk umbrella, but, being 
a covetous person, he had sent them, instead, miserable 
cotton parasols, wholly ineffectual in protecting the sol- 
diers from the sun and rain. The inconvenience suffered 
from the heat was partly remedied by their fans ; v but 
they had no protection against the dampness, and conse- 
quently all caught cold. This accident, however, turned 
out fortunately, for the whole host set up a simultaneous 
coughing, which so alarmed the insurgent Tartars, — who 
supposed that an army of not less than a million of men 
was advancing against them, — that they immediately 

12 Every man, woman, and child carries a fan, which seems more indis- 
pensable to a Chinese than a pocket-knife to a Yankee. — Forbes. 


turned their camels' heads towards the West, and never 
stopped, in their flight, until they reached the top of the 
Himalaya mountains. 13 When the mighty Fi-fo-fum 
heard how shamefully his army had been swindled, his 
rage was so great that he would have plucked his beard 
out by the roots, if he had had any, and he at once sent 
High Commissioner Hang to investigate the charges of 
peculation that had been brought against Mah. The 
contractor was arrested, and, the charges against him 
being fully proven, he was sentenced to forfeit all his ill- 
gotten gains into the public treasury, to be hauled over 
the coals on a gridiron, to receive one thousand strokes 
of a bamboo, to be flayed alive, to be hanged, drawn and 
quartered, and to have his ancestors for fifteen genera- 
tions degraded ; 14 but the latter part of the sentence was 
a superfluous piece of justice, for Mah was not known to 
have any ancestors. 

Mah, having obtained a private interview with Hang, 
not only succeeded in persuading that official of his in- 
nocence, but actually induced him to declare that the 
contractor, having been the means of delivering the 
country from the Tartars, was an eminently patriotic citi- 
zen. The sentence of the Court against him was, accord- 
ingly, abrogated by the Commissioner. As an evidence 
of the cost of legal proceedings in those days, it was 
remarked that Mah, although finally declared innocent, 
was shorn of nearly four-fifths of his property. The 
wealth of Hang was greatly increased about the same 

13 This important incident in the history of tho Central Flowery Kingdom 

is not mentioned by any other author. \^ 

14 To degrade a man's ancestors from the rank they enjoyed in life, is 
one of tho most dreaded punishments in Chinese criminal law. — Sirr. 

280 the rniLosornERS of foufovville. 

time. For his services in this transaction the emperor 
presented him with a peacock's feather, — the highest honor 
to which a subject could aspire. 15 Mali, who still re- 
mained in comfortable circumstances, lived, contentedly, 
for several years, highly esteemed by all, and at last 
died of the gout, leaving a disconsolate widow, and a 
daughter, named, Ah-me. 

This young lad}', who was a few years younger than 
Fou-fou, was one of the most beautiful of her sex. Her 
complexion was the color of a ripe olive ; her jeyes were 
small, black, languishing, and more oblique than any 
other eyes in China ; her feet were about the size and 
shape of her fist when doubled up ; she had no calves to 
her legs, 10 was flat-breasted, and straight-waisted, — in 
short, she was a perfect beauty. As she grew up to 
womanhood she naturally attracted the attention of all 
the beaux in the neighborhood, and several soon became 
suitors for her hand ; for, in those days of innocence, the 
young people themselves regulated their matrimonial 
affairs, instead of leaving them to their parents, as is the 
custom at present. 

One day the beautiful Ah-me entered her mother's 
boudoir of gilt bamboo. 

" Mamma," said she, " I am the most embarrassed girl 
in China ; I have received four offers. First came the 
haughty Hi-tun, the eldest son of the mandarin Poo-poo ; 
then, that ferocious soldier, Bang "Wang, who has often 

15 In modern times a present of three peacock's feathers is one of the 
most signal marks of imperial favor. — Notes on China. 

1G This is the natural consequence of contracting the feet in childhood, 
and is a defect found in all women whose feet have been thus disfigured.— 
Davis. View of China: 


told us Low many Tartars he killed in the last campaign ; 
next, that rollicking young gentleman, Jak, master of 
the five-crackers on the revenue junk, Hi-poop ; and 
lastly came that exceedingly wise and studious youth, 

"Who has the most cash?" 17 inquired the judicious 

" Hi-tun," answered Ah-me, " possesses the tablets of 
one thousand seven hundred ancestors ; 18 he is the most 
perfect master of the ceremonies in Yangtschankiang- 
kong ; no one can handle the chop-sticks so gracefully as 
he ; not one keeps his pig-tail so nicely oiled ; his nails are 
six inches, and his nose an inch and a half long ; but 
then he has not got much cash, and he is too proud to 
work. Bang "Wang expects, some day, to be a mandarin 
of the blue button ; but he has nothing, at present, as he 
himself acknowledges, excepting his valor, and his tom- 
tom. Jak, who is tired of life on the ocean wave, as he 
says, and wants to come to anchor, has only his pay, and 
his rations. Fou-fou is immensely rich." 

" Then, of course, you accepted him," said Mah. 

" I rejected the whole of them," answered Ah-me. 

" Silly girl, what have you done ! " exclaimed Mah. 

Lest the conduct of Ah-me seem strange, it must be 
stated that the handsome Si-si kept a retail tea-store 
directly opposite the residence of Madam Mah. In per- 
sonal appearance he was a model of Chinese elegance ; 

17 A copper coin worth about one-eighth of a cent. It has a square hole 
in the centre for convenience in stringing. 

18 Every wealthy Chinese gentleman keeps an apartment called the 
" Hall of Ancestors," in which are ranged the tablets of his deceased pro- 



for be was nearly five feet and a half high, his com- 
plexion was yellow, his pig-tail long, and his nose short, 
his forehead low, and his cheek-bones high, his ears 
large, and his eyes small, his fingers thin, and his legs 
thick, his lips straight, and his eyes oblique, his cheeks 
sunken, and his stomach protuberant. The gentle Si-si 
had never told his love, but let concealment, like a thief 
in a candle, consume his substance, while his passion 
burned all the more fiercely; but his heaving breast 
and languishing glances betrayed his emotions, which 
were answered by a responsive flutter in the heart of 

The effect of the young lady's cruelty to her suitors 
was heartrending. The haughty Ili-tun, out of pure 
spite, married his washerwoman's daughter, and was, in 
consequence, discarded by all his family. When last 
heard from they were making a living by taking in plain 
washing, — Hi-tun doing the ironing. 

Bang Wang attempted to commit hari-kari, 10 but only 
succeeded in ripping open his yellow silk gown. His 
after fate is unknown. 

Jak was said to have drowned his sorrows in the bowl. 
Certain it is that he was seen cruising around the canals,- 
for many years, always jolty, and, according to rumor, 
with a wife in every port excepting Yangtschankiang- 

As to Fou-fou he resolved to put an end to his grief 
by putting an end to his life ; so, one dark night, he de- 
liberately threw himself into the canal ; but the water 
was exceedingly cold, and whether this cooled his pas- 

19 This singular custom is now confined to Japan. 


sion, or whether he was afraid of freezing to death, — 
a method of shaking off this mortal coil he had not con- 
templated, — certain it is, that, on rising to the surface 
and finding himself directly under the stern of the Hi- 
poop, he at once seized hold of the rudder and there 
clung. The man at the wheel finding the vessel would 
not obey her helm, or rather that her helm would not 
obey him, naturally imagined that the junk was be- 
witched, and falling on his face, in abject terror, vowed 
to all the gods that if the Evil Spirit were taken away 
he would present the priests of Buclclh with one-half the 
curry he had stolen the day before (he promised the 
whole, but mentally intended only to give half). Jak, 
coming up and learning the difficulty, called him an 
ignorant land-lubber, and gave him a kick that sent him 
through the gangway head-foremost into a hogshead of 

" Shiver my timbers ! " said he, " but I'll make her 

He then gave the wheel a jerk ; it turned half round 
and immediately sprang back, for Fou-fou was holding 
on to the rudder with one hand, and with the other grasp- 
ing the tail of the carved dragon on the stern of the ves- 
sel. Jak made two more attempts to turn the wheel, but 
with the same result, and being now convinced that 
Sheitan was at the bottom of the matter, — that is to 
say, of the junk, — he dropped on his marrow-bones and 
began to stutter a confused medley of phrases from all 
the prayers to Buddh that he had heard from time to 
time in his cruises, — it being the first evidence of piety' 
he had given since he followed the canals. The junk, 
left to herself, soon drifted plump against the bank, and 

284 the rniLOSornEiis of foufouville. 

Fou-fou, having waded ashore, endeavored to sneak home 
unperceived. The Hi-poop remained quietly alongside 
the bank until daybreak, by which time — as evil spirits 
prowl about only at night — her rudder was found to bo 
clear, and she proceeded on. her way, with a fair wind, at 
the rate of a mile an hour, both Jak and the land-lubber 
forgetting their terror-stricken vows. 

The next day the adventure of Fou-fou was known all 
over the town, for his action had been seen by one of the 
guardians of darkness. 20 He became the laughing-stock 
of everybody ; but, as his thoughts were wandering in the 
sublime regions of transcendental metaphysics, he passed 
by the scoffers disdainfully, not stooping to reply to 
their ribaldry. 

In a week the beautiful Ah-rue married the gentle Si-si, 
and that is the last we hear of her. 

Fou-fou, being now completely disgusted with the 
world, shut himself up in his house for twentj'-five years, 
giving himself up entirely to the study of philosophy. 
Having attained the age of nearly fifty years, and his 
beard reaching down to his waist, he at last emerged 
from his seclusion and announced to his wondering 
townsmen that he had found the true key to human' hap- 

" The permanent principles of Nature," said he, " are 
three : the active principle, or spirit ; the passive princi- 
ple, or matter ; and the neutral principle, or mathematical 
laws of justice and harmony. The nature of man was 
co-ordinate with this division, and contained : 1 . His 
physical nature, adapted to the passive principle, or mat- 
ter ; 2. His moral nature, adapted to the active princi- 

^Niorht watchmen. 


pie, or spirit ; and, 3. His intellectual nature, adapted to 
the neutral principle of law and justice. In order to con- 
struct, synthetically, a true harmonic sphere out of this 
methodical analysis of the principles of man's physical, 
moral, and mental nature, individually and collectively, 
with regard to general society and universal unity, we 
must follow the theory of the four movements, and mixing 
up the cabalistic, or emulative impulse, with unityism, 
or harmonizing aspiration, till they form a cosmologies! 
equilibrium, we obtain, as a solution, that all property 
and women should be held in common." * 

The utterance of these subversive, levelling, revolution- 
ary, and atrocious doctrines, raised a terrible commotion 
in Yangtschankiangkong, especially among the bonzes, 
who possessed most of the property of the place. The 
bonzes excited the women, and the women excited their 
husbands ; so, in the midst of a general hue-and-cry Fou- 
fou was arrested, and brought before the old mandarin, 
Poo-poo, on the charge of heresy and rebellion. 

" Prisoner," said Poo-poo ; " what have you to say in 
answer to this charge ? " 

"There are two phases of incoherence," answered Fou- 
fou, "containing each seven social periods; two phases 
of combination containing each nine social periods. As 
soon as society shall have reached the thirty-second, 
which is the apogee of harmony, the pivotal or anti- 
harmonic age of the race will begin, the Aurora Borealis 
will be converted into a boreal crown, and the soul of 
man cease to be vertiginated by the viripotency of woman. 
This is axiopistical." 

* For a modern plagiarism of this speech, see the New American Cyclo- 
pedia, under the heading FOU. — Note by the author. 

286 the ruiLOsoriiEiiS of foufoufille. 

" Can't you speak Chinese? " said Poo-poo. 

11 The human race will perish," continued Fou-fou ; 
" but, by a scries of bicomposite transmigrations, be 
transmogrified into the seventh sphere." 

11 Take him away ! take him away ! " cried Poo-poo ; 
" he is nothing but a crack-brained visionary, and can do 
no harm." 

But the bonzes were not to be cheated of their prey, 
nor was the resentment of the women allayed ; so an ap- 
peal was taken, and the case brought before High Com- 
missioner Hang. Hang instantly decided that the crim- 
inal should have his head shaved, be put in the pillory 
for three days, be chopped into mince-meat, and.that his 
doctrines should be applied to himself as far as possible. 
The merciful Fi-fo-fum 21 remitted all but the latter part 
of this sentence, and as the population of the province 
was estimated at 3,000,000, and its assessed wealth was 
10,000,000,000 cash, the portion belonging to each in- 
habitant, according to the theory of Fou-fou, was 3,333^. 
It was accordingly directed that this sum be paid to him, 
deducting the dues of the court ; and, as these amounted 
to exactly 3,333, he received, on his discharge, just one- 
third of a cash, and his property was confiscated for 
distribution among the rest of the people. The sentence 
was highly applauded in Yangtschankiangkong, though 
in the end it gave rise to great dissatisfaction, from the 
fact that not a single cash that had belonged to the es- 
tate of Fou-fou actually found its way into the pockets 
of the people. For the extraordinary wisdom displayed 
in the decision of this case, Hang was raised, by the 

21 The emperor must have boen quite aged at this period. 


Khan, to the position of Minister of Eternal Equity. 
Fou-fou bought a cracker with his one-third of a cash, 
and, being convinced that no man is a prophet in his own 
country, resolved to emigrate from Yangtschankiangkong. 
He started the next morning, following the course of the 
So-long canal. About 12 o'clock he met a couple of ox- 
drivers named Gee-wo and Go-long, who were taking a 
mid-day rest from their labors. They told him they 
were very poor men, who worked hard for a mere pittance 
in order to support their wives and families. Their em- 
ployer was the proprietor of the adjoining tavern of the 
Five Felicities ; he had always paid them their wages 
regularly, and they had never been discontented with 
their lot, even though it was not an easy one. Fou-fou 
told them that their contentment showed their ignorance 
and folly ; and then he unfolded his views to them at 
length. They comprehended very little of what he said, 
excepting that they were entitled to a portion of their 
master's property, which seemed to them quite reasonable ; 
and, when the philosopher promised them a good dinner, 
if they would join him, they at once abandoned their oxen 
in order to follow him. He took them to the tavern of 
the Five Felicities, and ordered a feast for three. The 
superintendent of the chest 22 gave the necessary direc- 
tions to the governor of the kettle, 23 and in a short time 
the steward of the table 24 placed the food before the three 
hungry men. "When they had finished Fou-fou started to 
leave with them without paying ; but Gin-sling, the land- 
lord, stopped them, and demanded his money. Fou-fou 

22 The landlord. 23 The cook. 24 The waiter. 


began to explain his philosophy, and endeavored to con- 
vince him that since he and his companions were entirely 
penniless he owed them, in strict equity, much more 
than a beggarly meal. Gin-sling could not see the mat- 
ter in that light ; and, accordingly, the three philosophers 
were arrested, and taken before a Dispenser of Justice 
named Meen-fun, followed by the parents, wives, chil- 
dren, and other relations of Gee-wo and Go-loug, who 
were loud in their imprecations against Fou-fou, for hav- 
ing got the ox-drivers in trouble. Meen-fun, with that 
eye for poetical justice for which the Chinese have ever 
been famous, ordered, as a preliminary punishment, that 
a powerful purge be administered to each of the culprits ; 
and — [Here there is a lacuna in the MS. of Dr. G.] 

Late in the afternoon Fou-fou arrived in front of a 
joss-house. 25 A number of ragged, suspicious-looking 
men were prowling around it, and he at once began to 
harangue them on the uselessness of joss-houses, and the 
absurdity of the doctrines taught in them. " They sup- 
port in idleness," said he, " hundreds of good-for-nothing 
priests, who. should be tilling the soil, and adding to the 
productiveness of the land, and who pretend that their 
teachings are the inspirations of Buddh, whereas, they 
are nothing but the fabrications of a few crafty or vision- 
ary men to take advantage of the credulity and supersti- 
tion of the mass of the people. They call themselves the 
priests of perfect reason, and yet no two of them inter- 
pret the doctrines of Buddhism alike, and they keep the 
people in a perpetual state of distraction by their dissen- 
sions." He spoke for more than an hour, and supposed 

25 A place of worship. 


he had made a great impression on his hearers ; hut the 
moment he finished, one of the men said, — 

" That is a nice gown the fellow has on ; let's take it." 

" We should first cut his throat," said another, " so 
that he may not inform against us." 

" Good ! good ! " cried the rest of the wretches ; and, 
immediately seizing the philosopher, they were on the 
point of putting their murderous design in execution, 
when the great gong of the pagoda sounded the signal 
for the sunset prostrations. Instantly the robbers fell 
flat on their faces, with their noses buried in the dust, 
and Fou-fou, taking advantage of the circumstance, 
leaped over their prostrate bodies, and fled for safety to 
the joss-house. The chief priest, a venerable, long- 
bearded bonze, named Hum-drum, took him by the hand, 
chin-chinned 26 him three times, and thus addressed him, — 

" Stranger, I have heard thy discourse, and witnessed 
thy mishap, which would have ended in thy robbery and 
murder, if thy assailants had not feared to incur the 
wrath of Buddh had they failed to perform the nine pros- 
trations at the appointed hour. Thus do desperate and 
blood-thirsty men, who cannot be controlled by the fear 
of human laws, tremble before the terrors of a future 
punishment. Let this be a lesson to thee to rail no more 
against institutions that have saved thee from pillage 
and death. Thou canst rest with us this night, for we 
are enjoined to be charitable, even to those that despite- 
fully use us. 

" Eat, drink, and sleep, and to-morrow go thy way in 

26 The Chinese method of salutation. 


The next day Fou-foii reached the city of Nintschang- 
yangtscheufu, the metropolis of the province of Yan-kee. 
It was in vain that he sought admittance to the public 
houses, for his clothes were, by this time, so travel- 
stained and soiled that he was regarded as a suspicious 
character. The Inspector of the Books, 27 at the hotel of 
the Three Perfections, told him there was no room for 
such unprofitable-looking customers ; while the Guardian 
of the Portals, 28 at the House of Social Relations, threat- 
ened to kick him away if he did not leave quietly ; con- 
sequently, he had no chance to repeat the exploit he had 
performed at the inn of the Five Felicities. So, having 
nothing else to do, he took his stand on the steps of the 
principal pagoda, and began to harangue the multitude ; 
but, as every one was absorbed in the worship of a 
graven image of silver, called the " almighty dollar," 
very few persons stopped to listen to him, and those few 
merely laughed at him, for a moment, and then passed 
on. Now the Yan-kees were a practical people, and the 
last in all China among whom he would have been likely 
to ^nd followers ; but it happened that Chew-yung, a 
penniless opium-eater, accompanied by a drunken vaga- 
bond, named Rum-punch, were among those who heard 
him propound his theory of the distribution of property, 
and they were struck with the propriety of the proposi- 
tion, and immediately enrolled themselves among his 
disciples. The beggars of the city also gathered around 
him, attracted by the promising nature of his tenets, so 
that he soon found himself at the head of quite a numer- 
ous body of malcontents. . A revolution might have been 
the result, but the ensuing night being very cold, and his 

27 Tho clerk, or book-keeper. & Tho porter. 


followers, observing that he was clad in a warm, woollen 
gown, while they had almost nothing to cover their 
nakedness, made a second application of his doctrines to 
himself, and, stripping him of his last garment, divided 
it among themselves. In the morning the philosopher, 
Fou-fou, was found frozen to death. 

After the demise of Fou-fou, his followers spread 
themselves over the empire ; but their leader being gone, 
they no longer formed a homogeneous body ; but, while 
adding to their numbers, split themselves into different 
sects (similar to the manner in which the learned tell us 
that some minute animals increase — by division 29 ), each 
sect holding some tenet, or tenets, different from the 
others. These subdivisions repeated the process, and 
as the original type, according to natural philosophers, 
may, by natural selection, branch off into species and 
genera, which, in course of time, differ widely from each 
other, and from the parent stock, some hardly retaining a 
single characteristic of this latter, so the Foufouites, as 
they have spread over the earth, and been subjected to 
varying influences, have gradually become divided into an 
innumerable number of lodges, each one of which main- 
tains some principles that are scouted by the others, 
while individuals are found who do not believe in one 
single precept promulgated by the founder of the order. 

29 Called, in modern scientific nomenclature, " Multiplication by Divis- 
ion." I would respectively suggest to the Academy of Sciences, the more 
appropriate term of ''The Logarithmic Method of Reproduction," since, by 
the division of the monads, other monads are subtracted from them. 

292 tiie rniLOsopjiEns of foufovville. 



The chapters of our book having reached the unlucky 
number of thirteen, we feel bound, as a true Foufouite, in 
justice to our publisher and ourself, to write a fourteenth 
in order to avert the misfortune notoriously attendant on 
the former figure. "What Foufouite would make the 13th 
at table? "Who would want to work 13 hours a day? 
Who would pay 13 dollars for what he could get for less? 
Who would want to travel by a train that only went 13 
miles an hour? How many more juries would disagree if 
they consisted of 13 instead of 12? What school-boy 
would want the multiplication table extended to 13? Who 
does not remember being whipped in his 13th year? 
What boy of 13 does not wish he was nearer the age of 
stove-pipe hats ? What girl of that age does not look for- 
ward longingly to long frocks and beaux ? What mother 
does not begin to feel anxious for her daughter when she 
reaches that age? What poor man would want 13 chil- 
dren? Who (unless a woman) would have 13 hats? Who 
could fall in love with a girl who had only 13 teeth? 
Who would want to wait 13 years for a wife, notwith- 
standing Jacob waited 14 ? What girl (with proper ideas) 
would look at a man with only 1300 a year? What wife 
would let her husband smoke 13 cigars after dinner? 
How many have been ruined by holding 13 cards? Who 


would lake 13% for his money if he could get 14? Who 
would invest in a petroleum company that promised only 
13%? What auctioneer stops at 13 if he can get 13 and a 
" aff" ? Who would give 13 cents for a shilling if he could 
help it ? What poet since the days of Byron (the most 
unhappy of men) has put 13 ideas into 13 lines? Who 
would want the toothache for 13 days? Who would boil 
an egg 13 minutes? Who would cut a pie in 13 pieces? 
Who would voluntarily listen to a sermon that extended 

Having shown what a very unlucky number 13 is, we 
could give an equally convincing demonstration of the 
folly of beginning anything on Friday ; but as this is gen- 
erally acknowledged, we will forbear. 

Dr. Goodenough has long since passed away, and the 
Society of Harmonians ceased to exist, but Foufouism 
still flourishes throughout the world among all nations. It 
is upheld by all classes and conditions of men and women, 
its insignia decorating the plebeian as well as the aristo- 
crat, the ignorant and the learned, the poor and the rich. 
Gibbon considered the whole history of the Roman Em- 
pire too much for one man to undertake, and in this ac- 
count of the decline and fall of Harmonianism we have 
confined our attention to a mere phase of Foufouism, 
leaving an immense field unexplored for future gleaners. 
We have purposely forborne from comments, believing it 
to be the duty of the historian to relate facts rather than 
to give opinions, and leaving it to the judicious reader 
to draw his own conclusions. We have not couformed to 
the usual practice of other great writers of putting the au- 
thority for each transaction in notes at the foot of the pa- 

294 tiie rniLOSopnEns of foufowille. 

ges, partly because we -wished to be original, and partly 
in order that the reader's attention might not be perpet- 
ually distracted from the important events narrated in 
the text. 

Foufouism still exists, but in consequence perhaps of 
the discredit thrown on the order by the failure of the 
phalanstery, there are many weak-kneed brethren who 
not only shrink from avowing, but actually deny their 
connection with it. Hating gammon, nonsense, and 
lrypocrisy, we, who have written this book, do not hesi- 
tate to acknowledge, openly, that we belong to the frater- 
nity ; and as there should be nothing secret in our soci- 
ety we shall now make known a few of the signs by 
which the public may recognize a Foufouite at a glance. 

When a man, whether in speaking or writing, uses 
long words where short ones are better, it is prima facie 
evidence that he is a candidate for admission into the 

When you find an author using mystical " transcen- 
dental" language from which the thought (if there is any) 
can only be evolved by patient study, or the use of a dic- 
tionary, — and nineteen times out of twenty it is not 
worth the trouble, — you can rest assured that he is a 
Foufouite of the first water, and that his admirers like- 
wise belong to the brotherhood. We have noticed, in the 
course of much miscellaneous reading, that whenever a 
writer has an idea that is really worth recording, he in- 
variably takes pains to express it in the clearest language 
that his faculties can command. 

Bunsbyism (if we may coin a word from Mr. Dickens) 
of any kind is an indubitable sign. 

So also is affectation. 


When you find a man sacrificing comfort to vain show 
you can set him clown as one of our Grand Masters. 

When you find a native citizen of the United States — 
a true-born Yankee — aping foreign manners, dress, or 
forms of speech, you may confidently point your finger 
and say, " There goes a Foufouite." 

All those who prefer what is foreign to what is domes- 
tic, not because it is better (which it is too often), but 
because it is foreign, are claimed by us. 

Any American who makes a parade of heraldic signs 
and devices (no matter how justly entitled to them ac- 
cording to the laws of heraldry) must have imbibed our 

In short, any native American, who is not also a true 
American, is a Foufouite. 

All women, who talk politics or political economy, we 
hail as sisters. 

Those who are called strong-minded hold a high place 
in our order. 

All snobs are Foufouites, although all Foufouites are 
not, necessarily, snobs. 

Many of the F. F. V.s also belong to the O. F.s. 

Among the insignia of the order are flashy habili- 
ments, mock jewelry, or even much of the real article, 
and the hat cocked over one eye. Self-conceit is the 
most infallible sign of all. 

Foufouites flock to mock auctions ; they support astrolo- 
gers, mediums, seventh daughters, and people whose 
"sands of life have nearly run out ;" they relieve import- 
ers from all sorts of worthless foreign rubbish ; they rail 
at democratic institutions ; they invest in lotteries (in 
Wall Street, as well as elsewhere) ; lose their money in 

29G the rniLOsoriiERS of foufovville. 

gambling hells ; squander it in rum-shops, and keep up 
the price of Greek and Latin dictionaries. 

Notwithstanding that our. order includes, among its 
members, people of every station and condition of life, 
from kings upon their thrones, down to beggars in the 
streets, it is extremely rigid in its rules of admission, 
and no elevation of rank, no amount of wealth, will se- 
cure this privilege, unless the party has given proof of 
adherence to our principles. What those principles are, 
we do not feel at liberty to state ; in fact, like the doc- 
trines of Buddh, the}' arc so numerous that probably no 
one individual knows the whole of them ; for it should 
be borne in mind that Foufouism is older than free- 
masoniy, and that every generation of men gives birth 
to some new principle, the adoption of which carries 
with it the appellation of Foufouite. 

The moving words in which the historian of the Decline 
and Fall describes the completion of his great work are 
doubtless familiar to the reader ; but it is necessary to 
have been in a similar position in order to fully appre- 
ciate them. 

It is in the seclusion of our study — which is also our 
bedroom (and we will add our children's nursery) — that 
we are writing these last lines of the last page of our 
book. In parting with it we feel like parting with a 
familiar friend, for it has been our daily companion during 
nearly three long winter months ; still, as the publisher 
tells us it may possibly pay, the poignancy of our regret 
at having finished it is somewhat alleviated. 

The accomplishment of our laborious task has been 
attended by many drawbacks. Only future commentators 
will know the amount of research involved, by the ex- 


treme difficulty they will have in hunting up our authori- 
ties. »We have perseveringly prosecuted our labors in 
spite of constant interruption from our children, sur- 
rounded by the ruins of their Christmas toys, and our 
attention constantly distracted by the gambols and noise 
of their pets, a cat, two kittens, and three puppy-dogs. 

Our son, sis years of age, the heir to our name (would 
we could add fortune), is climbing up on our shoulders, 
and our little daughter is sitting on our knee. Having 
just pinched their ears to keep them quiet, ours are the 
only dry eyes amongst us. In this affecting manner we 
take our leave of the reader, consoled by the reflection 
that, while the life of the historian must be short and pre- 
carious, his book may long survive on the shelves of 
second-hand book stores, and be of service to future gen- 
erations of trunkmakers and hatters. 



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